Iâve gotten more than one anon ask from a teenager, paranoid that theyâre a pedophile or a predator for crushing on a peer 2-3 years younger than them. Because anti-shippers/fandom purity police constantly use the term âpedophileâ for ships between teens 2-3 years apart, itâs no wonder why real teens are confused and terrified. So I wanted to make a post with proper definitions of these terminologies and link to some sources, so that maybe itâll reassure some other poor teen out there that itâs perfectly fine for them to crush on their schoolmate.
First Iâm going to get this out of the way: Iâm talking about crushing and dating and having a romantic relationship. Sex between a legal adult (18 and up) and a legal minor (17 and down) could be illegal depending on the age of consent where you live, and any Romeo and Juliet laws that may or may not be in place. Thatâs way more complicated, so I wonât be touching on teenage relationships where sex is involved. While Iâm on this subject though, a quick PSA: if youâre under 18, do not take/send nudes at all. You could be charged with child pornography for âself-producingâ your own nudes. As dumb as that sounds, it happens. I donât agree with courts that do it, punishing hormonal teenagers for having hormones is dumb, but it still happens. Itâs not worth it, donât do it.
One more thing: Iâm talking about relationships between peers in the same age group. Between two young adults, adolescents, or teenagers. Note that there is some overlap between these groups (i.e. 15 year old is a teenager and an adolescent but not an adult, while an 18 year old is all three, while a 20 year old is only a young adult). Iâm not justifying age gaps that are obviously wrong and illegal, like a 30 year old and a 14 year old, so please do not put words in my mouth.
Moving on to the topic at hand...
If the only âconcerningâ thing about a relationship is a minimal age gap between two peers in the same age group, the relationship is probably okay.
The existence of an age gap alone does not make someone a pedophile or predator or child groomer. Intent needs to involved. Ill intent. Along with other abusive, predatory, manipulative behaviors.
Letâs break down some of these terms further:
A pedophile is attracted to prepubescent children. If the younger party in the relationship is not prepubescent, the older person is not a pedophile.
Here is the criteria for being a pedophile, as defined by the American Psychiatric Association.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/pedophilia
If there is less than a 5 year age gap between teens (i.e. a 15 year old and a 19 year old), there is probably not an issue.
If however, for example, an 18 year old is attracted to someone whoâs 13 and still prepubescent, there may be an issue there and the older teen should seek help or talk to someone about it. This doesnât mean theyâre a bad person. If they havenât hurt anyone, theyâve done nothing wrong. It may just be a disorder that they have no control over, so thatâs why itâs a good idea to seek help for it.
Moving away from âpedophiliaâ now. What about people who prey on (i.e. are intentionally seeking to harm) teens who are post-pubescent? That person is not a pedophile, but they are a predator or a child groomer.
Which leads to the next point, what are some examples of âill intentâ when it comes to predatory relationships? What exactly is a predator or a child groomer?
This site lists the definition of grooming, along with some red flag behaviors.
https://www.d2l.org/child-grooming-signs-behavior-awareness/
First I want to point out the word âdeliberate.â You canât accidentally groom someone, like Iâve seen multiple fandom police claim. Posting properly tagged and flagged nsfw fanart on a public forum like tumblr or twitter that allows nsfw content is NOT grooming. Grooming is a deliberate act. It involves intent. If an adult is sending private DMs of nsfw sexual fanart to a minor that they KNOW to be a minor, that is completely inappropriate and grooming behavior. Same goes for any nsfw sexual talk, like an adult having a nsfw rp chat with a minor, thatâs wrong too. But simply posting/liking/sharing nsfw fandom content on a public website is not grooming.
That link has a longer list of red flag behaviors, along with examples, but here are three I want to especially point out.
A lot of these sites seem to write their info with the focus on young children being groomed, going by the language they use (âchildâs natural curiosityâ). But teenagers can definitely be groomed also, in the same ways. If an older partner is taking advantage of a vulnerable teen due to an abusive home life, or trying to isolate them from their family and friends, or overstepping any emotional/physical/sexual boundaries, that teen is very likely in a dangerous situation and needs to confide in a trusted friend, and eventually in a trusted adult, about it.
I also wanted to share this source as well, just as a general example of other signs of abuse in a relationship. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a chart that lists common behavior patterns of an abusive, manipulative partner.
https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
This chart uses the example of a male abuser and a female victim, but they have another page and chart for lgbt+ relationships.
As their site says, this can apply to anyone. Age, gender, sexual orientation, it doesnât matter, anyone is capable of being an abuser or being a victim. Notice how this has similar tactics as the child predator/groomer red flag list too, such as isolation.
Also notice the different manipulative behaviors in this chart. This chart is just a good rule of thumb for red flags in any kind of relationship, be it sexual, romantic, platonic or familial.
Here is another source that lists more red flag behaviors, but more specifically for teenage relationships.
https://www.teendvmonth.org/resources/signs-teen-dating-violence/
With that in mind, here are some hypothetical scenarios. Letâs use a specific example of a 18 year old high school senior (12th grade) dating a 15 year old high school sophomore (10th grade).
This relationship could be bad if the senior is using the sophomore for their own personal gain. Taking advantage of the fact that the younger person is inexperienced when it comes to dating, and using that fact to manipulate them into a relationship. Maybe the senior isolates the sophomore from their family and friends, makes them feel guilty for wanting to hang out with friends, makes them quit their after-school sports activities or forces them to cancel plans with friends so that they can spend more time together. Maybe the older teen controls how they dress or what they do, or makes them do things that theyâre uncomfortable with. All of those are signs of an abusive relationship. If the older teen doesnât care about the younger teen or about their feelings and is just using them, obviously that is an unhealthy, abusive relationship. (*Itâs important to note though, that this exact thing can happen between two people of the same age too. A partner whoâs the same age as you can also be controlling and abusive. It can happen with friendships too, it doesnât have to be limited to dating relationships.)
On the other hand, this senior/sophomore relationship very well could be a perfectly healthy one too. Maybe they are in the same after-school club and bonded through that. Maybe theyâve already known each other and have been friends for years, maybe their families are friends, etc. And theyâve recently started crushing on each other and decided to date. As long as they respect each other, itâs fine.
Thatâs why you need to know what is going on in a relationship before you judge. An age gap by itself is not proof enough that a relationship is bad or abusive or predatory. One of the partners needs to have ill-intent, and exhibit these abusive red flag behaviors.
So to sum up everything, if the ONLY thing in a relationship is that there is an age gap, but both people are otherwise peers and in the same age group/range, and none of the above red flags are present, your relationship is fine and you have nothing to worry about. You know youâre a good person, your partner is a good person, you have family and friends supporting the both of you, you care about and respect each other, then youâre fine.
Youâre not a pedophile or a predator or any awful thing like that. Remember, those are deliberate acts and involve ill-intent. Please donât let fandom police scare you. Theyâre internet strangers, they know NOTHING about you or your personal life or your relationships or your home life or your upbringing or your family and friends. Theyâre judging you based solely on the fact that thereâs an age gap, and nothing else. They have nothing to go by. Theyâre not trying to educate others on healthy or unhealthy relationship dynamics. Theyâre just instilling fear in people to back up their own moral superiority or ship war or whatever tf is driving them to be like That and spread misinformation and make inaccurate generalizations. And they donât seem to realize or care how dangerous it is that theyâre telling teens that theyâre predators when theyâre not. They donât care about victims. If they did, theyâd be spreading helpful advice, but instead theyâre just spreading fear and misinformation. Please stop listening to them. And please for all that is good, donât take advice from them. Talk to adults in your personal life, if not a parent, then an older cousin or an aunt or uncle or teacher or counselor. Or Google it and find reputable sources for yourself. That is much more reliable than taking advice from people who throw around the word âpedophileâ to describe a ship between two teenage anime characters. People need to use common sense and look at relationships on a case-by-case basis. And anti-shippers/fandom purity police are unable to do that.
To fandom police: stop telling teenagers that theyâre a predator or pedophile for dating their schoolmate whoâs two years younger than them. Itâs none of your business, and donât give me that âbut if theyâre hurting themselves or others, I need to say somethingâ BS. Youâre a stranger, you do not know their personal lives. You know nothing about what is going on except that an age gap is involved, thatâs it, and that is not enough to jump to such a drastic conclusion and serious accusation. Itâs not your place because you donât know their life or their situation. Also frankly, itâs damn weird and highly inappropriate for you to be inserting yourselves into the personal lives of some random teenager on the internet that you donât know (especially if youâre an adult). You think shippers are gross for âbeing invested in the love lives of fictional teens,â yet here you are trying to control the love lives of real life teens. Please get some perspective.
Edit: Another point I forgot to mention, so Iâm tacking this onto the end.
Stop acting like all teens x-years-old are the exactly same as every other teen who is also x-years-old. âIâm 18 and I would NEVER date a 15 year old because theyâre practically a baby and Iâm such a mature adult already and-â Good for you, you want a cookie? Repeat after me: not everyone is the same as you. One 18 year old might be socially awkward but nice and with no dating experience at all, and would fair well with dating a 15 year old who also is in their first relationship. Another 18 year old might be really responsible for their age due to circumstances in their family life, and are fully capable of handling themselves and dating a 21 year old college classmate. Everyone is different. Two people of different ages may just âclickâ with each other, theyâre on the same wavelength, or they have similar experiences, etc. Just because you personally wouldnât date someone 2-3 years younger/older than yourself doesnât mean 1) that itâs wrong, or 2) that others wouldnât be okay with it for their own personal (and valid) reasons.
Again: it is not your business to interfere with an internet strangerâs personal life and relationships when the only thing you have to go off of is âthereâs an age gap.â Iâm begging yâall, please look at this with the nuance that it deserves. It is not black-and-white, and your black-and-white thinking is really messing up teenagers and making them feel bad about completely normal and healthy age-appropriate crushes or desires to date someone else.
