#throughtheshadowsofshame

That being said it feels even more imperative for me to explore creative mediums, and I've been wanting to draw Erina in the AUP style for MONTHS that is lowkey the reason why I got a drawing course LMAO trying to do it in AUP's style was errr pretty ambitious of me (WAG I love your art I want to eat it I adore it and I wish I could draw like you my goodness) but I've always wanted to know what Erina would look like in universe ykwim???

*cue staring at Eileen, Terinna, and Ludger screenshots for hours, not that I minded* So yeah, this is what she looks like! Her little thigh harness thing is a little sneak peak, a little foreshadowing of sorts~ if this is your first time meeting her, she's a Professor at Theorn, also a full-time researcher who teaches Botany & Potioncraft. She went to college with Bellaluna. I think that tells you all you need to know in a nutshell. lmao.

Anyway, come meet her over at AO3!

Yes I am pairing the emotionally repressed Ludger Cherish with her. Yes this is a slow-burn, and yes, this is at 173k words and counting 💀

The reason I'm planning the plot? Because more character arcs since this is quickly turning into a fix-it fic 🤣 writing some character's own arcs in, developing side characters (you can pry adventurer-coded gunslining Merylda over my cold dead body; Esmeralda hasn't been yeeted out of Selina; Black Dawn doesn't exist and yet somehow Sedina is still feral still loyal still stupidly hardworking lmao)

Okay, so for this chapter, this song captures a lot of relevant things. (That and "I'll Be Good" by Jaymes Young) are perf for this chap. Some parts of the Too Sweet lyrics obviously don’t apply—like, Erina is not an early bird, and Ludger arguably has the better sleep schedule... (but even that’s debatable.)

But the real point is the chorus and how it captures the emotional core I was writing around.

A lot of people interpret the song as an older man/younger woman dynamic. I don’t. To me, it’s about two people who are very different, one of whom is deeply bitter, convinced they don’t deserve sweetness. That bitterness isn’t loud; it’s resigned. A quiet punishment. A belief that “good things are for other people, not me.”

There’s also a female cover of the song I love, and when paired with the original, it really brings out the push and pull I had in mind emotionally. The contrast between bitter and sweet. Maybe I'll post about it when the time comes to write that chapter. Also:

“If you can sit in a barrel, maybe I'll wait.”

I don’t think that’s about age. I think it’s about time. Like a sweet grape growing bitter. Or how the passing of time changes what sweetness even means. He has a goal—maybe even a duty, maybe even penance. And only after that, maybe then, could he believe he’s allowed something good. Maybe. Like this man believes he needs to atone for his sins so like he thinks he shouldn't have good things and maybe AFTER the cage he can think about it (but even then it's like... that whole inner debate cause he plans on leaving and POINT IS LUDGER'S BRAIN IS A MESS OF CONTRADICITONS)

What’s funny is I didn’t have this song in mind when I wrote the chapter. But it just fits. What I did have in mind was the alcohol. I debated between whiskey and vodka-diluted-with-water (which kind of tastes like soju—not really, but close enough). It’s pathetic. And he knows it’s pathetic. But he’s homesick and it's the closest thing he's got.

And then there’s the coffee. If you’ve read the flashbacks, you know coffee has history. It started with Erina. That theme’s been around for a while. But I hadn’t planned on it colliding like this with the alcohol symbols. It just... converged.

So here’s how the drinks work symbolically in this chapter:

Soju (vodka-water): comfort, home, homesickness. He drinks this when he wants to remember.

Whiskey: the present, bitterness, punishment. It burns. He drinks this when he’s guilty.

Coffee: Erina. Quiet care. Something he actually enjoys. It’s still bitter—but a different kind. Not one that hurts.

And now, a deeper layer.

He used to say he’s looking for the relics for two reasons:

Break the cage.

Go home.

But he’s always really thought of it as: “I’m not a hero. I just want to go home. Breaking the cage is a bonus.”

But in this chapter, he doesn’t reach for soju. He reaches for whiskey. Which means: he’s starting to doubt that he actually wants to go home.

He doesn’t process that consciously. He just changes the narrative. Tells himself,

"This is for the relics. This is to break the cage."

He stops using “going home” as an excuse. Why? Because it’s too soft. Too sweet.

So instead, he picks the lie that hurts more. The one that punishes him better.

Then—coffee. After the whiskey.

It washes away the bitterness, but it doesn’t erase it. It replaces it. With something still bitter but different.

Coffee isn’t punishment. Coffee is Erina. Something he likes. Something he taught her. Something that became a symbol of quiet, reciprocal care.

And that contrast? That shift? That moment of drinking coffee after whiskey?

That’s important.

It's about two people who care deeply about each other, but don't know how to express themselves without setting themselves on fire. Lmao.

Erina hears the truth.

Ludger says the truth.

Neither are prepared for that. Because neither of them are ready for what that truth does to ther sense of self.

"Is any of this mine?"

"You're worth it."

If I were to breakdown the emotional core of this chapter it would be distilled to these two lines.

Erina, who is a strong, independent woman who had to claw her way up, knows she's smart, capable, etc.

Her line, her imposter syndrome, it's not her getting mad at Ludger. If you've seen the last line you know she's not mad, the chapter ends with her frozen. Processing. Blushing stupid. But still processing the emotional whiplash of that escalating truth.

Because as you've seen in the flashback chapters, it's about shame (the title of the work), about agency, about identity. You've seen her deflect emotions and use work as a shield. That's because her identity was highly centered on her work as her sense of self-worth.

It's about the terrifying idea that someone might have been holding you up this whole time and you didn't even know about it.

She's not mad at Ludger.

She's scared that she didn't deserve it.

And Ludger? Ludger wasn't even supposed to tell her he did that.

And then he said the quiet part very, very loudly.

He wasn't supposed to break like that.

Yes, he's confessed in the train. No, as you may have seen in the first chapter of season 2, they have not talked about what they are.

So Erina knows about his feelings. He has talked about his feelings.

Why does this hit differently for him?

Because he blurted this one out loud.

He said it -- the train is one thing because Erina was asking for it. It was an emotional decision as well but it was coming from this bottleneck of every single damn thing he has been feeling.

This one? was involuntary as heck.

Because Ludger Cherish hates losing control.

And yet.

“I did it because you’re— fuck, you’re worth it. You’ve always been worth it, damn it!”

And there it is.

What does he do?

He doesn't walk, he flees.

Because he exploded emotionally. With witnesses. And shit-talking trees.

And he doesn't know what to do with that.

So the chapter ends with them having an emotional panic attack blowing their emotional constipation out in the open LMAO.

Yes it will get resolved.

No it's not a misunderstanding, they just need time to process.

Which is what the next chapter is about~

I just wanted to say that this chapter is deeply personal to me, and if you've read it -- whether you laughed at the fig dropping Sentinels or cried silently like Erina or screamed because of the walking emotional disaster called Ludger Cherish -- I hope you felt something. Even if it left you quiet. Even if you're still processing.

Thanks for reading. And if you have thoughts? I'd love to read them! My tumblr inbox is open.

It was a very difficult chapter because of all the emotions and body language as well as the environment which is more dynamic int his chapter compared to the previous chapters I've written.

So I figured I'd try mapping it out! I think writers really have a tool like this? But I didn't really reference any of those a lot, I'm used to doing flowchart to make sense of my brain, therefore I just did what was natural.

This was so helpful for me. When I tried to input all of the needed elements at once as I was writing it, it just didn't feel right and I got stuck thinking of what was wrong with it, not to mention how overwhelming it felt.

I like to really get in my feelings when writing the scenes, trying to feel and imagine what the characters would be feeling.

And there were a lot of feelings in this chapter.

So what worked?

Doing it in layers was by far a big brain moment for me. Instead of doing the entire scene in one draft, I did it in 3-4 parts:

First, I would draft the entire narrative focusing on the movement and dynamics of the changing environment and other external (non ML/FL) objects/characters. This establishes a sort of skeleton or structure for the entire thing because it gives us the timelines for when certain things need to happen and if it made sense for it to happen at that point (e.g. in my first draft it was only supposed to be 4pm and then the next paragraph the sun was already setting -- it just didn't make sense)

Second, after the skeleton is done and the scene is basically painted in with words, I add in the POV of the characters, 1 character at a time. The scene is difficult because they're both just walking silence not talking to each other, but they're both lost in thought so I needed to convey not only an inner monologue, but also body language, all juxtaposed into the setting in #1.

Third, I look at the side-by-side character thoughts/actions as the sene is unfolding (if you can kinda see it, there's a timeline of major events in the scene, and I've color-coded the thoughts of Ludger and Erina (my OC) and what change is happening at that point in time This is also for continuity, logic, and parallelism. (e.g. what are they thinking of at the same time? That would affect their body language and therefore change the perception or assumption the other person has of their current state of mind)

Fourth is copy editing. Mostly for rewriting the flow, making sure it makes sense, making sure the ideas are good.

Fifth is line editing. Tightening up the dialogue, cutting unnecessary lines, paragraphs, writing additional text for smoother transitions, wittier banter, etc.

Sixth is re-reading! And not just once. I re-read it a few times after editing, then leave it alone on the next chapter. Then I read it again at least once before I publish it. Because of this reason when I'm writing something I'm usually (ideally) 2-3 chapters ahead of my published chapters.

Phew, that was a hefty chapter. Anyway, I just wanted to share my process. Since I write the whole day and I'm alone most of the time, I don't really have people to talk to about this so I thought I'd talk to the internet void.

If you're curious about my story it's this one, on AO3: Through the Shadows of Shame - an AUP Fanfic