#thousand below

(poem inspired by, and title drawn from, Hell Finds You Everywhere by Thousand Below)

(hey y'all, this poem is one I wrote just a few minutes ago, but it's one of few poetry pieces I've written about something that's eaten away at me for quite some time now. When you pursue a major project, no one prepares you for what happens when it crashes & burns. From the outside, it doesn't seem like much of anything for one to be so deeply affected by. But when you're a teenager who spent nearly 2 years putting in time & effort on something many people supported you on just for it to fall apart and create damage to relationships you formed, that's not something you just easily bounce back from. Bonus points when your "support" system fails to understand the support you need during that time. I've been in a strange state of dissociation for the past year and a half since, and I've struggled to figure out how to put into words how I feel because of it. I've written about the people who created damage both before and after the crash, but not the damage itself. I hope y'all enjoy this poem, maybe I'll post more about it all in the future, but for now I hope this provides some sort of entertainment for your lazy Tumblr Saturday)

(also I've been sick for the past week and randomly started my period today, so if you've seen me not being very active on here or my other blog, that's why 🫠🙏)

There was a time where I felt whole

Where I felt motivated, excited, encouraged, liberated

When the world seemed to rotate in my favor

And the lights shun down on the path I'd long been searching for in the dark

Then the bulbs shattered, I think they all overheated

And the next thing I knew, I was bandaging my feet with the pages I wrote my dreams down on

I was sweeping up red glass shards, but it wasn't just my blood staining them

I long believed I had hurt others the way I became hurt

Complacency became my medicine as I watched the path become closed off

I waited so long for the wounds on my heels to scab over so I could run again

But yet every time I've tried to walk, blood is shed again

And I realize that I haven't actually healed yet, rather I've only made things worse

The people who bled alongside me held shards of their own, they collected them while I was down

And they stabbed them into my back as though I wasn't already screaming in pain before them

And the others who didn't bleed? They don't see red on my body

They see serous fluid, some sign that leads them to believe that I'm healed enough, and that I should stop tending to the wounds

Believe me, if I could ignore them, I would

But when I watch as they turn into bright scars, I remember the darkness that created them

And when I try to walk again, even for just a few steps, I sit back down when I remember how bad it hurt the last time, and the time before

And when I lie on my back, I feel the sharp shots of pain, and my dreams become flashbacks

There was a time where I felt whole, but now I feel empty

Used, abandoned, depleted, and broken

The world stutters and stops, then speeds back up, all in a motion that knocks me back off balance

And the illuminated path I once walked? The lightbulbs haven't been replaced, and I'm still finding shards of glass both clean and rose-colored

"I wanted this to be more

But they'll forget me..."

Taglist:

How far would you go for everyone that you love and you know Trade away the comfort and your peace Disappear slowly and you'll see They'll be happy for certain, you feel like a burden They say that they need you, but you'll give them a version Of a world where the pain and the empty heart you hold Can't hurt them anymore If heaven exists, then it's worlds away You spend your life in a darker place And you beg and you plead and you hope But Hell finds you everywhere

(Hell will be a place of complete, absolute darkness There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth)

Enemy, stuck at sea Your thoughts come hitting like a hurricane But you've been here before It's your theater of war Enemy, speak and sing All of the love I'll never bring in your care 'Cause Hell finds you, Hell finds you everywhere

In the garden of your mind Hatred grows and dissonance calls your name Like a siren's song pushing you along Heaven's hiding barely out of frame But Hell embraces like a hurricane I wanted this to be more, but they'll forget me The graves we're digging deeper I'm feeling emptier, emptier I'm not leaving til you leave first, not until you're resting I thought it couldn't be worse And now it's heavier, heavier

Enemy, stuck at sea Your thoughts come hitting like a hurricane But you've been here before It's your theater of war Enemy, speak and sing All of the love I'll never bring in your care 'Cause Hell finds you, Hell finds you everywhere