#thoughyouslayme

Today I was struck by a line from 1 Thessalonians 3:3-4 at my church’s Friday night bible study:

“that no one be moved by these afflictions. For you yourselves know that we are destined for this. For when we were with you, we kept telling you beforehand that we were to suffer affliction, just as it has come to pass, and just as you know. (1 Thessalonians 3:3-4 ESV)”

We learned that Paul was writing to the church of the Thessalonians because the “ good news of [their] faith and love“ (v6) had encouraged him much but he knew they had an enemy and feared “that somehow the tempter had tempted [them and their] labor would be in vain” (v5). Spiritual warfare was easily waged on them as they became more and more submitted to God’s great purpose and commission and obviously they would struggle and face great affliction because of it. Yet Paul encourages them to not be moved in the trials because they were destined for it. Literally God has planned it to happen. 

<<TL;DR Near Bottom>>

The more I looked at my own life, especially in the past month, the more I could see the truth in all of it. It started about two months ago when God started resurrecting several bible studies to put me in: there was one with a group for Philippians/ Colossians, one for Romans, one for Acts, one for Leviticus and a one on one study for Genesis even! Then, He allowed me to read Ruth with a sister, with whom I found out had a similar passion for the word as I did and we started reading Daniel with another group. Then more readings of Ruth came with several sisters out of with birthed a reading of Joshua and also a reading of Exodus with another sister and Nehemiah with another sister! It was CRAZY AMAZING how much God was doing in my life! The desire the Lord gave me for the word was running high and that’s all I wanted to do. 

I even told God, “Lord, I’m going to not be able to do well in my classes because I’m not studying three weeks in advance like I used too, I just don’t have time”. The Lord gave me less than a week to study for a biology class, my worst subject, and gave me a 94.7 on the first test and a 95 on the next. This was CRAZY how God was working so that He could bring me deeper and deeper in love with Him and his word. 

But then the cold happened. About a month ago, I got a cold and it was extremely persistent. Also, my parents and I started arguing about where I should go when I graduated and it was such a headache to think about. Though my fever went, I was still struggling with a weak throat full of mucus and coughing, and couldn’t sing well for Youth Group for a week. Praise the Lord that a brother and a sister at a my church could take over for me many times but I just wanted to be able to sing again. 

Also, the fights with my parents got worse when I applied for a ministry internship job and they offered me a position. Being non-Christians, my parents were extremely hurt about it, not supportive, and angrier than I’d ever seen them. Their anger even affected my sister who essentially cursed me in a conversation that started out as a warning not to anger my parents and ended in a one sided curse about my silly, foolish faith. I’ve never seen my family so angry before but it hurt my heart more than anything else in the world and my pastor’s wife whom I’d usually ask about these situations was out of the country.

When midterms ended, I unwisely decided to travel ever second of spring break while jamming bible studies on my off days and my sickness took it’s toll: I got a horrendous fever over night with a head ache and just blew up at my parents the morning I woke up when they were frustrated with me for getting sick again within a month. The day after was even worse when I was not only battling feelings of guilt and massively deprived of my normal bible studies with friends, but my whole right side of the body, should down to foot was feeling semi-paralyzed with pain. It was more so a cramping pain but it’s hurt so badly to move that side of my body that I thought I was going to die of tetanus (unrealistic but your brain is overly worried). There was a dull pain in my left leg as well but I remember sleeping that night was a horrible pain because my body was on fire and it tossed and turned trying to find the right temperature to get rest but there was no rest until 9 in the morning when I gave up on sleeping and decided to just stay awake. 

My brain hurt from fighting with my parents and guilt, my body hurt from my mystery illness, and I couldn’t do God’s work as I desired. I literally felt like I was being slayed by fire. At time I kept thinking: “God where are you? Have you forsaken me?” and I wanted to cry so badly but my heart was so apathetic I couldn’t even cry. Finally on Sunday, I missed a huge meeting at church because I couldn’t even drive an hour and I knew that I needed to apologize to my parents. I pathetically crawled down stairs and laid on the tatami mat of my parent’s office where my mother was obviously angry with me. I could barely speak and my parent realized there was something wrong with my body and my mother noticed one of my legs was swollen and my face was pale so they start pulling out all sorts of herbal medicines to get rid of the swelling and cure me and the whole time I stayed silent in my guilt. 

Eventually I apologized and my mother said the most tear wrenching words, “We love you so much. We just want you to get better” as she pointed down to my less swollen leg and I felt silly for even fighting with them and over worrying about it but after getting right with my parents, God revealed to me a lot of things.

TL;DR Starts here for what I learned from being sick for a whole month:

1) Spiritual Warfare is Real: The more God put you in His great work, the more Satan wants to destroy you. First he destroyed what ability I had to serve my church- worship by taking away my voice. Second he used a ministry job to worsen my relationship with my parents, of whom I want to be saved as well. Third, the week I came back, I was still sick so a lot of my bible studies were canceled. Four, because I became so apathetic, I had little motivation to pray earnestly to God. Five, even with logistics for an Easter event, which should have been an easy job, became extremely hard when ever building on campus decided to closed on Easter. Six, because I was so sick and congested, it was even difficult to do my homework- I would fall asleep ever hour on hour in trying to write a paper or do problems. Literally it took me three days to write a short three page paper. Lastly, I couldn’t drive for a week which was hard for me to promise to help people who would ask me for rides. In everything, Satan obviously wanted to knock me down and I was indeed frustrated and bitter about it. At times, I wanted to scream, “God where are you?” But before I decided to cast my faith aside, God reminded me...

2) God is Sovereign, Even in the Trial of My Life: I was reminded that in all of these things that God is sovereign and God is good. God in fact, like in Job, allowed for these things to happen, allowed for his hedge of protection upon me to be lowered for His glory.  First, not being able to do worship helped me to learn on trust on brothers and sisters in my church, which with one I had a hard time trusting before. Second, although my parents and I fought a lot, I got to share more and more about God with my Father and even encourage him in his faith. Third although the bible studies were canceled, I knew part of my recovery had to do with not having so many commitments (in which I was indeed getting better and needed the time to do my essay). Fourth, I realized how much I needed prayer and how much I needed God to soften my heart. Fifth, God pulled through in the end with logistics. Six, God still allowed me to get things done, partly in how all my bible studies canceled on me. Lastly, because I couldn’t drive, my father personally brought me to my Friday night bible study today and stayed (PRAISE THE LORD!) In all the sickness God could taken my life away for all the sins that I personally brought into all these situations but He allowed me to continue living and suffer to teach me something. 

I realize that truly like the song by Shane and Shane, Though You Slay Me, says (which John Piper has a great piece on):

Though you slay me Yet I will praise you Though you take from me I will bless your name Though you ruin me Still I will worship Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

To those who may be struggling with hardship or grief, hear this bold Truth: