If I make decision that benefits me and in the end makes me happy, it still upsets you. If that choice I made leads me to not be as you say "over-emotional, dramatic, sensitive, disrespectful to you and not in control of my feelings" it still upsets you. I can't win with you.
If I had chose to stay I know I would have gotten more upset, cried and felt more trapped in my own apartment. But I think you would have preferred that. I think you would have rather me to suffer more than you.
I finally got an escape, a break. But you resent me for it. You resent me because you wanted to see your friends, the friends you always tell me to reach out too more because you wanted to see them to and I just happened to run into them and I didn't say for you to come over while I was there because I needed to not be with you.
You think if the roles had been reversed I would have been mad but I wouldn't have. But no matter what say, you've already made up your mind - that my decision was somehow unfair to you.
For the first time in a long time, I thought of myself. I thought of what I needed. I didn't try and go back and apologize just to fix everything. I did what you always say you want me to do: I didn't let my feelings control me, I controlled them by removing my myself from a situation that was getting a worse, from a partner who wasn't listening to me or taking the moment to realize what he did.
And now you're making me suffer and feel bad for my decision and situation. And that's not fair to me.
All I keep seeing and hearing are things you're doing that I don't want in a partner anymore, that I'm tired of experiencing. A partner who is a hypocrite. A partner who picks and chooses when to be forgiving, understanding, when to really listen. A partner who is defensive and just keeps putting it back on me, on what I could have done. A partner who keeps wanting play tit for tat. A partner who keeps wanting to tell me when I'm "not treating him with respect" or "raising my voice at him" or "talking with an attitude" but never wants to hear it when he's on the receiving end of the same exact phrases. Instead always responds with, "no, I'm not, "it's not the same thing."
It never is. Only you get to tell people what they are, how they're treating you. You're always reacting to me. I tell you what I want, what I need but you don't really want to hear it. You just want me to want something different. To need something different. To be someone different. Well, that my (boy) (friend) is something we can agree on. We both want someone different. Someone who is not the person we're in a relationship with.
I keep thinking I have some control over the situation and the outcome. I try different tactics to tell you what I didn't like or want or need but the outcome is always the same = you getting defensive and angry at me and not hearing me. I leave and try to distract myself from the situation, from the circumstance, from us arguing and the outcome is the same = you resenting and being angry at me. You continually tell me how you're reacting to me, how you didn't start it but then you wonder why I blame myself. Stop telling me it is me.
Worst of all is that I'm trying everything within me to not feel guilty for my decision to not regret my choice to have some space with you and see Miles, Rob and Sarah. I feel I was meant to see Rob at that moment. I'm trying not to have your resentment out-shadow my joy. To have your darkness steal my light.
I resent you for making me feel bad about my decision. For making me feel guilty about doing what's best for me. For trying to show me the error of my ways, the inequality of my decision. I'm glad I did what I did. It was what I needed, I have to keep repeating that to myself.
Deep down, I know that in order to save myself, to be truly happy I have to leave you. I hate knowing I'll become that rom-com female cliche: To save/find herself again, she had to leave him and now keeps all men at a distance. Will she find Mr. Right? Will she let love back into her heart?
Why are the most important questions the ones that are the most difficult to face?
