#thoughtsofjessy

It was lunar new years eve. The tradition in my family is to gather along for a home-cooked dinner (the only time in the year when my mom cooks), and all my family from both parents come and gather. But this year was my second absent on our annual family dinner. 

Forget about the hongbaos, or the new dress that I used to get every year. It’s the laughter, the love, the gathering that I really miss. And homesickness stroke me really bad this time. I started from trying to hold it all inside to just weeping silently inside my duvet. Long distance relationships are hard, especially when you have this huge time difference with your family.

So I tried couple of different things to get rid of this homesick. I tried to not be lonely by visiting couple of friends and stayed over at their place. I tried to study really hard, keeping myself busy with books to read. I even went on a trip by myself, just to get outside of my room and avoid caving in my bed and cry all day.

All of the things I mentioned above worked pretty well. I had a really great time with my new sisters. I realized that having friends that care for me is as valuable as having my sister Jesslyn next to me. In one of my sleepovers we baked cookies and we shared it to the security guard. It was a meaningful little act of love. I also tried opening up to some people that gave me motivations to get through this homesickness. Some people even prayed for me. I feel so loved!

The weekends when I just studied really hard and read a lot were also a very productive. I got some of my works done ahead of time, giving me some extra space for the holiday that I had. And of course the solo trip to DC was fun too (see my highlights for the goooood foooood.) It felt good to be able to just enjoy a walk with myself. To love myself and not feel pity for being alone.

But still something was missing. Every time I walked back home from the sleepovers or when I was in the bus on my way back, I felt like I’m about to tear up pretty soon. So what do I do when this sadness attacks? I put my headphones and listen to my favorite music. Whether it’s orchestral music (I’m currently obsessed with Debussy), or gospel music (Fall in this Place-Planetshaker), I just put the volume pretty loud and sink in the music. Then I silently meditate and pray.

I fill my mind how beautiful life is here. How exciting it is to come back home, and see what I can give more to my family and friends. How fun it is to be able to learn all of this thing. I learn to give thanks more. I count all my blessings and how fortunate I am to be able to play my music. Oh, and sometimes, once I reached dorm, I just jam with my harp. It really helps to calm me down!

Sorry to disappoint you but, I’m still homesick up ‘till now. I still miss my fam. I still miss my home so much. I still want to meet all my friends and just binge watching on Kdrama. But unlike before, my homesickness now become something so positive that keeps me striving to be a better person day by day. I learned a lot to socialize more. I learned to love and understand myself better. I learned to find that joy in doing my  work. And most importantly, I learned to give thanks in every circumstances and fill my mind with positive, lovely, pure things that comes from above.

Yes life can be tough. You may feel like you are constantly walking by yourself. But remember that you are never lonely, because look around yourself and count your blessings! Always fill your mind with positive vibes.

You are Loved. 

a little letter to my dearest women.

Dear you,

Yes, you. You who are beautiful, whether it’s 6 in the morning or 10 at night, with or without make-up, you are pretty. You, young women who can rock every single color of lipsticks--whether it’s dark red or nude pink. You, whether you are tall or short, petite or plus, dark, or colored, or white, with straight or wavy hair, omg girl you are hot. And not just that, you have a charm not only from your bright smile, but also your nice personality. You are beautiful.

You, kind-hearted women who encourage one other. You who laugh, cry, shop together with your fellow sisters through thick and thin. You, who stand up for what is right, and support the world to be a better place for everyone. You are kind.

You who are so determined. You only want the very best things to come out of your life. Whether it’s achieving certain goals in your career, or always being there for your family, you always want the best for the people around you. You strive the perfection to be the best out of the best, not for yourself, but selflessly for people you loved. You, are wonderful.

You, who are strong, courageous young ladies. You who cry yourself to sleep because life is tough, yet stand up tall the next day and keep fighting a good fight of life. You who don’t let little things disturb the reason you are born. You are strong.

And to you, beautiful, strong, kind, wonderful women, I have one important message: You are loved. Life might be tough, people might discourage you, but always remember that you are precious. To us, your fellow women. To your family. To your friends. To your lover. Girl, you are precious.

Don’t let anyone tell you the other way, because dear, you are loved so much by the One who created you. :)

Girls power!

Love,

Jessica Sudarta

In pictures: 

My mom (Yenny Sudarta), Jesslyn Sudarta, Stefany Meylin, Christine Angela, mam Aniek, Ibeth Jelita.

Special thanks to kak Fickry for the wonderful pictures. No filters!!!!!

Be Happy. 

Hello there. As I was writing this, I’ll be honest: I was not in a moment where I feel happy. In fact, I felt tired. I felt obligated (I mean, technically yes..) to write all my essays assignments. Then I realized, “why don’t I start writing my thoughts out loud, since this is one of the things that I really enjoy doing?” So here it is! Enjoy :)

I started college with this huge dream of wanting to achieve success in a young age. I had always waited for that “perfect moment” to start building my way to my dreams but as soon as I got into college, I realized that if I want to achieve it, I have to work on it. So I kept focusing on working hard in my first year of college.

Until some people started to remind me to take some breaks. Yet I didn’t really listen to them because I was just so determined to be perfect. Until at one point, I started to collapse. For the past few months, I had been battling constantly with depression.

So then I think to myself, again, what makes me happy? I realized that in being happy, I too was waiting for that “perfect moment”. I never feel content about my life. “If I achieve a certain body image, then I will be happy.” “If I have certain numbers of achievements, then I’ll be happy.”

“If I achieve this perfect image, then that’s the time when I should enjoy my life more—like doing arts and crafts or eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s chocolate chips cookie dough ice cream.”

Wait, what? That was a turning point for me. I realized that all limitations, either to be happy or to achieve success, are coming from myself. I was the one who decided to not live my life to the fullest. Now I’m not saying that we all should feel like it is never enough—in fact, it’s the opposite. We all should be content with what we have. Including this time of your life, whether you are very busy pursuing your big dream or having a tough single life, enjoy it. You only live once. Be happy. Even when everything seems hard and tough, still, be joyful. Be content, be thankful in every circumstances. Always fill your heart with joy and love pouring out for others, even in those workloads that you have to do. Think about those people that you really love and think about how happy they are to see you living the best time in your life. And think about how light life will be when you enjoy every little things, good or bad, that life throws to you.

Just like these lovely people from #loveforIndonesia team in this picture. They’re not even riding a Ferrari or fancy car but look at their happy expression: it’s priceless. They found joy in the simplicity. 

Live life to the fullest. Spread your love. Be content, and most importantly, be happy!

—With love,

Jessica Sudarta #yourtruly

ps: I felt so much happier and did finish my essay afterwards! yayy!