#thoughtsat2am

I am at that point in life where I don’t know if I’m happy or sad that I am here in the US...

Today is the UAAP (University Athletic Association of the Philippines) season 80 Cheerdance Competition, a competition where the schools included there perform a 3-minute (or more, I’m not sure) cheerdance with their chosen themes. Yes, it is a big deal in the Philippines, especially for the higher education community. A lot of college students attend the event, tickets get sold out, there is a nationwide coverage where non-attendees tune in and post of their favorite school, some of which have witty comments. Check out the hashtag #UAAPCDC2017 or stalk @IamEthylGabison on Twitter, a genius that’s hilarious, and you’ll know what I’m talking about

I actually didn’t know it was today until I checked twitter. It was 1:00 AM and I was just done playing FFX (Final Fantasy 10). I was ready to go to sleep but my impulsive hand decided to check my phone, and that’s when I found out. I spent the next hour scrolling through my feed, searching for a “free” online streaming of the event which to no avail was not available because it’s only available in the Philippines, and going back to getting the latest details about the event on twitter.

It sucks.

I’m not there to celebrate, to get hyped, or to get disappointed when a cheerdance squad fails some flips or pyramids. I’m not there to join my friends in cheering for my school and engaging in conversations that I know I would have fun and still learn something from them.

Not only did this make me a bit sad, but it made me realize something else...

That I am still caught up in the reality from where I was before I came here.

And to be honest, I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I mean, I think it’s a good thing in a way that I’m aware of the situation in my country whether it’s about politics, or my university, or the weather, or a celebration, or a success story of a fellow Filipino, or something else.

A downside that I’ve noticed when it comes to me staying constantly updated through online news and social media is that I am losing sight of what is in front of me. Yes, I continue to live. I’m still studying for my degree and I hang out with my friends whenever I can. But sometimes, whenever I’m in class and my teacher says some references to something that probably only an American who was born and raised here for at least 15-20 years would know, I compare it directly to the situation we have in the Philippines, which to be honest is not so bad at all. But then I started to get a bit homesick, and a bit frustrated because I get lost on what my my teacher is discussing because I honestly don’t know who or what she was talking about, unless I google it of course, and I would really like to know because she’s saying some interesting stuff but I have no idea what point in time she was referring to because I grew up in a different place.

Does this mean I’m meant to go back home? That’s what other people tell me, but that’s another post for another story.

I don't need constant praise and I don't need things and I don't need all the time in the world.

As humans we automatically know the consequences of our actions. But that is the problem, we just "know" meaning we have a "knowledge" of what would become of something. But we do not "know" it well enough to actually do something about it. Once we are faced with our consequences, that's when we would actually "know" the weight of our actions. Having mental knowledge about specific things sometimes isn't enough. It has to be felt. I remember this line from the movie 'The Fault in Our Stars' one of the character there said "that's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt". I couldn't agree more with that line. Pain demands to be felt because aside from it being a negative emotion, it stings. That's how I see consequences, it stings when you are actualy face-to-face with it. hehe... That's why it is very important to remain alert and very cautious about our every action, because one wrong move and your life can flash right before your eyes and come to a full hault. And so far, what I have realized about consequences is, we will never be ready to face them and the funny thing is that once we actually do, that is when we call on to God. 1. to ask for forgiveness for the wrong that we have done and 2. for Him to help us get through it. But do we ask or talk to him before we do a wrong action? NO! of course not, you wouldn't be like "umm.. Lord is it okay if I take drugs just for today?" lol. But once you get into trouble for taking drugs, that's when you have the courage to call up to Him, with barely any face to show. How dare you? hehe.. but you know as my bestfriend told me, God loves us way too much for him to stock up our sins and keep taunting us with it. He forgives and forgets, that's why it is up to us and the intention of our heart to let go of our past and move on to be the better us. The upgraded version where we fight against the sins this world has got to offer and just reach out to the good because as my bestfriend put it "our remedy is GRACEand MERCY".