Well, I think I’m kind of losing my shit. I’m so exhausted all of the time, I have no appetite and I cry a lot. I never watched Modern Family all the way through, and it’s such a comfort now that I am. It makes me want that warmth of a family nearby everyday.
Lately I’ve been battling the intrusive thought that my friends and sister are mad at me. As much as I try to chase it away, it’s got my heart and my brain on lockdown. And then I think of my mom who might have felt that a lot, except it was true, and my heart breaks in a million pieces, mostly guilt. I have such a soul tie to her sadness and loneliness. I wish she could tell me she’s at peace.
I’m also freaked out about the election. Selfishly, if Trump wins, he’s going to remove Obamacare which means no health insurance for those of us with pre-existing conditions. What if I leave my job as planned and this comes back, what will I do. I’ll have to keep working for another five years. I have so many fears that are so loud in my head.
I’m going to make some homemade applesauce with cherries - I’ve been craving it, it’s the only thing I want to eat. And sit outside with Buddy in the sun, watch the clouds, drink water and try to breathe. My friend Ashley said the daily routine of radiation was actually helpful for her - I’m hoping that’s the case for me too. Every day for a month is so daunting, I can’t wrap my mind around it, but I’m beginning to believe that we don’t conjure strength - it just shows up when we need it, sometimes in full force when we can’t even feel it. So it will find me.
