#thoughts dos

Kalapastanganang iparamdam sa’yo na ligtas ka,

hawakan ka sa iyong pagkalugmok mo, at sabihing

Hindi mo gagawin sa akin ang ginawa ng iba,

para kainin mo lang ang mga sariling salitang sinambit.

Kalokohan ang ipamukha na aking kamalian ang rason sa iyong paglisan,

Munit wala ka lang pa lang lakas ng loob banggitin na ako’y kulang,

walang lakas iparating,

walang tapang sabihing na may ibang dumating.

Kabastusan ang magsimula ng panibago na ang pundasyon ay luha ng iba.

Kagaya ba ng bahaghari,

kailangan bang magdilim ang langit ng iba para lang magkulay ang sa inyo?

I feel like I’m being punished.

Is this karma? Karma for what? I thought Mac was already my karma, so why does it feel like I’m still being punished?

I finally found something I genuinely loved. I love hiking. It gave me a new sense of purpose and something to look forward to. I would wake up, go to the gym, and train because I knew I had another mountain waiting for me.

Thennn suddenly, I could barely stand up.

Now standing hurts. Sitting hurts. And I don’t even know when I’ll be back on top of a mountain again.

I had already started planning my major hikes. Some of them are already paid for. I had all these plans and things I was excited about, and suddenly, my body just isn’t capable of doing any of them.

I found out that there’s something wrong with my spine. I’ll need roughly three months of physical therapy, and if that doesn’t work, surgery might be the next option.

And as if that wasn’t enough, my MRI also revealed a dermoid cyst on my right ovary. Now I have to figure out what to do about that too.

I don’t have much motivation to keep going right now.

It feels like all the progress I made toward finally finding peace in my life has disappeared. I’m sad. I’m scared. I’m terrified of what comes next, and I don’t even know who to tell because I’m afraid of feeling like a burden.

I feel like I’m slipping back into that depressive state again. The place I worked so hard to get out of.

Right now, I just don’t have the will to do life again.

I’m tired. I just want all of this to end.

It was difficult at first. I felt hurt, anxious, and overwhelmed by everything that happened. I do not constantly overthink, question everything, or feel consumed by anxiety. I feel calmer, safer, and more secure within myself.

I have been wondering tho… if I’m truly built for relationships. Whenever I love someone, I tend to lose parts of myself in the process. I overgive and prioritize the other person so much that I eventually stop prioritizing myself.

I think what happened with Mac D traumatized me. I do not know if I genuinely do not want another relationship, or if I am simply afraid of becoming attached, getting hurt, and losing myself again.

I am enjoying the peace I have now, and I am scared that letting someone into my life could take it away.

For now, I want to stay here for a while… in this peaceful space. Not having him in my life feels like God’s blessing or protection, I should say. Good riddance 🍻

I used to think that when someone walked into my life, I was lucky to have them.

But every kind of luck I thought I had eventually showed itself differently. At first, it felt beautiful. It felt rare. It felt like something I should be grateful for. But in the end, some people turned out to be poisonous, full of lies.

I think one of the saddest things about almosts is how they leave you stuck somewhere in between, wondering what could’ve been, replaying different versions of the story in your head, imagining timelines where things worked out differently.

Maybe that’s why it lingers in quiet moments. Because it had potential. Because it felt like it could’ve become something real, if only the circumstances were different. For now, I’ll leave the door open.

To be fully seen and still loved, that is everything.