#thoughts crap

Every time I try to talk about it I just get super tired and irritated because it’s just such a fucking mess, no sides walked out of it unscathed, almost everybody else has said what I think already. As somebody who dabbled in esports prod actively at one point (albeit not T1 esports or as a player) there’s a lot I see and hear. But I’ll give it a go:

#fuckpunisher 

Longer thoughts under the cut.

I’m shit at this tbh but the #1 thing I can recommend is communicate, communicate, communicate. Communicate with your partner and with your friends. Do not be afraid of talking to your friends and having them offer their own advice, you don’t necessarily have to listen to it but it might help in case something’s going on with your relationship. Don’t be afraid of your partner not liking something you say because that can not only hurt you but it hurts them, it develops fear of what they might say or how they might react and it means you hold back things from them in your fear. 

Every good part of a relationship I’ve had - even the worst ones where I’ve done irreparable damage to somebody I should have respected, or where somebody’s done that back and made me feel less than human - where I have felt comfortable and they have felt comfortable, is when I or they have been completely honest and we’ve been able to talk about it, what things make us uncomfortable, what things we like, what compromises we can make, what’s not working out, and not trying to hold each other down. Talk about it. Talk more. Talk less if it’s getting possessive or not respecting boundaries. Talk about it if they don’t know that. Always talk, don’t be afraid to talk.

I’ve decided to step back from teamfortress.tv due to it interfering with some life crap for now. Work-wise, I haven’t done graphics and SFM for any TFTV events in a long time, and the last photography event I did for TFTV was for Rewind II in February. As it stands, that’s partially because a majority of LANs in the EU region (which is arguably where most broadcasted LANs happened) are headed by Essentials.TF. Since they have in-house SFM artists and other media people it seems redundant to bring on more. However, I might come back to TFTV or any org as staff in the future - for now I want to focus on my graphic design work, business ventures such as Ascent Esports, and animating some dumb ass SFM crap again for my comatose YT channel.

Unfortunately I’m also not going to i63 due to expenses and life crap. Rewind II and Copenhagen Games really ignited that LAN desire and so I really wanted to go to i63, but iSeries is an expensive LAN. That goes for non-Brits as well tbh based on what I’ve heard about rental costs etc. iSeries is absolutely worth it IMO; if you can afford to go you should. Myself personally I can’t nor is it a great time to. Speaking from a volunteer POV too, it’s more justifiable to hire an EU photographer (with their own gear, TFTV or Ready Up’s camera equipment has almost always been rented by sponsors or work partners) rather than crowdfund or sponsor an NA photographer to the UK. 

Often photographers/videographers who archive events are taken for granted. Right now and ever since, saving history is important, and I encourage people currently involved with LAN events or going to LANs to really absorb that. Remembering the good old days/good times helps with visual memories and archives. You’ll look back on those moments & memories fondly when things in life are tough, and when you remember those days with those people you cheered with, played with, and laughed with, you’ll smile and be glad you recorded it.

#My opinions since my Rewind 2017 post-LAN thoughts have changed a lot to the point where I don’t agree with past thinking or habits, but there’s a lot from then I’m still sentimental about. Even now I really do want to contribute to competitive TF2 behind-the-scenes, but I can’t right now; though charity events I’m invited to help like Hugs.tf and Tip of the Hats I would absolutely do my best to help out for. That being said, if you’re interested in volunteering because you want to help and/or you like competitive TF2, I encourage it! Of course there’s some unhealthy habits I would not encourage anymore such as trying to put the scene above your wellbeing; the scene will be here no matter what, and it’ll be there for you if you want to leave and come back.

I shouldn’t need to be thanked for it, I’d like to advise more people to do it. I think people should be really careful about charity events and charities, even though the precedent is that it’s all for a good cause. In esports and video games, I’ve seen countless controversies come up with charity events from organizers or staff who had been outed as scammers. I’ve messaged good people who wanted to hold events for charity organizations that weren’t as selfless as they were. I’ve watched video game companies who helped cross-promote with their games, not pay up their share to charity events because of lazy corporatism. 

I try to take charity research very seriously because people suck. As somebody who makes cross-promotional merchandise to raise money for charities where 100% of the proceeds go to the organizations, it’s frustrating to hear when companies or events don’t invest the bare minimum they need to for what should matter.

TaiRong’s Twitter rant on why he left comp TF2 for comp OW cuts deep. His talk was very specific to AsiaFortress, but it’s a sentiment for many former TF2 pros and talent who prioritized OW. They wanted more than what TF2 was able to give them. In turn, what it gets interpreted as is a slight against TF2 and its community. 

I too, have also called brothers and sisters “traitors” at one point because I hated how not only they were leaving me, but then seemed to forget their roots. They didn’t owe me or TF2 anything. It’s not that they forgot their roots, it’s that the people who left are just as angry as the people who stayed. 

I will never forget Creep*, a prominent AsiaFortress player from Korea, telling me at i55 that he wanted to bring an Asian team to iSeries one day. In i58, that actually seemed like it would be the case, but the Asian players struggled to field a team for i58 because of a majority of their playerbase leaving for OW. When I reflect back on it, it would have been wasteful to collect who was left in Asia if the best players had left. Full Tilt and Crowns were the EU powerhouses, and even the weakest froyotech roster in LAN history would have probably beaten them. Australia still hurts from 4th Place LAN placements to this day.

Of course I would have liked to see Asia at a major international TF2 LAN, let alone South America or even Australia again. I hope they will get the funding they need if they decide to contest the powerhouses of Europe or North America, and I hope they will enjoy their experiences if they do so, as many TF2 players who fight for passion do. I wished the same for Australia when they came back for i58 and ESA Rewind, even though I knew the curse of 4th Place and the lack of monetary justification must have hurt a fair bit.

The fire/candle burning out metaphor is common in my scene. I’m saddened to hear about Pavane and TaiRong attempting to go through it all and fight hard after so many hours of dedication to TF2, but burning out or feeling helpless as so many others have done around me. I’m glad TaiRong asked Fl0w3r and Pine to follow him at the right time, and as such found more success in OW than they did TF2. It took me some time to accept it, but now I can say I think they made the right choice, as did so many others I saw succeed - Seagull, Muma, Mangachu. SDB, Knoxxx, Zebbosai. Some of the many old names and old faces that TF2 players remember fondly; that TF2 players miss.

I get rebuttals of how TF2 was marketed as a casual game a lot. I know this. It was one of the reasons why matchmaking was met with so much pushback when new devs finally were allowed to implement it. To some extent, I’m inclined to agree. My favourite shit to deal with has to be when I see comments that say that the competitive TF2 pros are ruining the game. That they should just leave and stop pushing competitive on a casual game.

Well...they did. 

After years of watching Valve to push the community’s 6v6, having to grow up and stop being a salt factory about my brothers and sisters going to OW instead, being paid for and thanked sincerely for my involvement in OW from Blizzard, never touching Valve’s Matchmaking since the first launch week until they adjust it again, and now overseeing what might be the most important piece of TF2 narrative in the form of 1 and a half years of filming - I’m okay with them leaving.

They left, because TF2 itself, as well as the majority of TF2′s playerbase, was insistent on TF2 being a casual game. Therefore, people who wanted more than that finally decided “alright, it’s going to stay a casual game” - and found a competitive game instead. Gameplay opinions, criticized business tactics, and other semantics aside - they found a game that did not limit itself to insisting on being a casual game, but wanted to also be called a competitive game.  

I am happy for TaiRong’s success and determination. I understand and sympathize with TaiRong’s anger and his frustration. I am happy he left TF2 if he was no longer happy with it. I can objectively say as a bigger TF2 fan that OW is treating him better so far. How long that will last, I don’t know, but I can 100% say it’s treated him better than AsiaFortress from his tweets and from what I know. Of course I’m sad that TF2 was not enough for him; I understand that his and many other’s anger is more at Valve than TF2 itself. I understand the other side of the story that disagree with that sentiment and will point out Valve’s decisions as wiser.

But that’s okay. I’m glad they left if they weren’t happy here. I’m glad they’re happier where they are.

I’m sure similar fandoms experience this: I see not just former pros, but content creators, artists, Youtubers, talking about how they fear returning to TF2 for anything. The reasons sometimes are similar: they’re afraid of angry TF2 fans who labelled them traitors. They’re afraid of falling back into the comfort TF2 will offer them rather than go out of their comfort zone to try new things for themselves. They’re afraid that they’ll fall back into a depressive state because they were either in a bad state when they ventured into TF2, or they simply will always want more than TF2 was or will be able to offer.

Let them leave then. They are not yours to keep. They were not meant to stay. Their relationship with TF2 was not as fond as you thought it was - who was wrong in that relationship is up to you. Their anger is not because they forgot their roots. Their anger iis not against the community. Some of their closest friends and teammates are all probably from the same roots. 

We did not forget their roots. They did not forget their roots. Their anger was because they couldn’t find what they wanted - so they found it elsewhere. And that’s okay.

This is going to be a really bad incoherent 3 AM thinking post

TF2′s refusal to take itself seriously via the game and the lore has been one of its greatest strengths but also one of its biggest weaknesses, and an easy way to dismiss any thought invested into it by saying “you’re taking it too seriously”.

Pic related: when Sniper was basically revealed as New Zealand/Zealandia/Atlantis Superman, this is arguably the point where the 25-50% of people who wanted some sensibility basically gave up on the lore.

Everything that the comics have sort of established in terms of setting, history, and characterization have sort of taken TF2chan-era fanon (the bad and good parts of it) and delivered a prompt “fuck you” to it, to the point where I’m convinced the TF2 comics also exist as a way to say “fuck you” to everybody’s expectations. Re-tellings of the medium via fanart and fanfiction that present itself in a more serious light to even the slightest degree, or have invested some form of logical research, as such, are frowned upon as taking themselves too seriously. 

Again, this just tends to be standard reaction to fanon that contains a subjective/objective-based deviation from canon but it’s like any sort of dramatic or somewhat serious, logical-based take on TF2 (despite the Jeremy scene in Issue 6 as well as Sniper being shot/seeing his adopted parents in Issues 4-5, establishing yes, you can do drama in a comedy) will not belong ever and the reaction to this compared to other mediums is more harsh because of how much TF2 forces you to not take it seriously or think about it.

I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t looked too much into any of their portfolios until today, let alone Faliszek’s when he left Valve. I briefly glanced at them and I assessed their roles by significance.

I think TF2 is stagnant. Activity for it, even in fan-made content, has slowed down dramatically in viewership and creation. TF2 has hit a point after 10 years, where there will not be anymore massive growth nor decline. Whoever has decided to stay for whatever reasons they choose, will stay in TF2 until they choose to go.I love this game, I love the characters, I still play it, I still make content for it. 

I think Valve as a company just doesn’t need to make new games, let alone single-player story driven ones (which saved their ass e.g. HL2, though arguably this was also strengthened by Steam). It sucks but people have been saying they’ve shifted focus to hardware for a long time, and these writers leaving shows that. Apparently none of the original Half-Life writers work at Valve anymore, and there’s been anonymous sources trying to say HL3 was never even started on.

I don’t know if the Pyro or Jungle Update will see significant long-term growth or regained interest; I can always be proven wrong. I think either a port to Source 2 or TF3 is what TF needs at this point to compete with the other class-based shooters that have hit the market, like OW or QC.

I flew back in from California a few days ago after the last stage of filming for Ready Up, and the first TF2 LAN of 2017. In the past live Team Fortress 2 events I have been privileged to have been flown out to - i55, Tip of the Hats 2015, DHW 2015, DHS 2016, i58, and Tip of the Hats 2016 - I’ve never felt post-LAN blues like the seventh event I’ve attended thus far. 

LAN, aside from a competition to see who is the best team out of all the teams competing in an equal playing ground, is a social gathering. A coming together of a community that has followed each other for a combined purpose. A forging of relationships with each other over a common passion, to know not simply players as players but players as people - as friends, as comrades, as partners, and as Redeye said: as family. This is something I would like to convey through Ready Up as we wrap up the filming stage and move forward into the editing stage from here on out. This is why me, Dashner, and Sideshow were flown out to Rewind.

Once it’s released, Ready Up may be my last major competitive TF2-related contribution. I’m in no rush to finish it, though. We’re going to take our time with it, most likely extending the date from early 2017 to late 2017 - we just want to make sure we do our best for our sponsor, the competitive community, and everyone who will watch. I am thankful for Dashner’s passion and knowledge for co-direction. I am thankful for Sideshow’s eloquence and confidence for co-interviewing. Both have taken time out of their jobs with OW for this.

I personally always want to show this community that they’re appreciated and loved, despite our differences and frustrations in how we view the same game we play. I work hard, because I feel like the community counts on me to deliver. I know I’m not obliged to do so, but I like to do so. I’ve been told numerous times that this in particular, this is not worth my energy. This is not worth my time for a community that in love is equal in hatred when you make a misstep. Some people have gone as far to tell me I’m clinically insane. These people could be right for all I care.

So what of my family then? The family one of the strongest figureheads in the esports community notices and praises fondly? When Dashner and I caught Redeye literally in the middle of ESL NY’s hallways amidst the tough and scary security, right outside the arena where the sound of matches bled out - standing in this hallway interviewing him then and there, we felt touched by his words. We were thankful for him remembering us past his stardom and status. Redeye has always tended to check in every now and again to smaller esports scenes, to see how they’re doing. It’s sweet and sincere, and knowing this was his nature made those words he gave us feel genuine to me.

ESA Rewind this last week was when I realized that I had said Ready Up would be my last major contribution to comp TF2. Like many others, bills are piling up. I owe debt. I’m rebuilding my design portfolio and figuring out the plan for 2017. There’s a lot of money I’ve invested into other future TF2-related projects I won’t ever see a return on from Valve or the TF2 community. I want to stay, but only if I can afford it (as do most sane people). As expected, the idea of never seeing my friends and family from here again is something I’m not readied up for.