#thoughtnami

Granted, I haven't made much here in a while, but for some reason, folks are checking it out.

I don't really post here much anymore, and a lot of that is because I really haven't thought about Tumblr in a long, long time.

I used to have a much bigger venue in The X Bridge, but I walked away from that because folks only wanted me to talk about Toonami, a block that, at the time I walked away, had been off the year for a number of years. That was the past, and I wanted to look ahead.

So, I kept myself busy.

And I went through a lot of things on the other side of the screen.

Then, social media as it once was imploded thanks to a despotic little man with way too much money and power.

Then, I found myself again.

Instead of heading back here, I found solace at Bluesky and, surprisingly, at Blogger.

I found my old blog and just started writing how I felt. Then I wrote some more.

Then, I reintroduced myself properly here.

Tonight, I came back to Tumblr.

I don't know if I'll stay, mind you. I honestly thought people weren't here anymore, but life tends to surprise you. This isn't a return to this Tumblr.

It's just me dropping by just to say "Hello."

It's been a while. So, let me say howdy, hello, and salutations.

The world has been kind of hectic, and I feel like I'm dusting an old corner of my room as I'm typing these words.

I've been kind of busy lately, but at the same time, I've been easing up on posting on social media for a spell, especially on the Bird App.

I don't know who's actually reading these words, especially since I really haven't posted anything lengthy in a while. It's not that I didn't have anything to say, heaven knows. It's just that I never wanted to be someone constantly talking about things that makes me angry.

That sort of thing wears on your soul and can consume you if you let it, and I refuse to let it.

So, I've been putting my energies into other things. Some things I can show off like my recent #WB100 x #CN30 tribute (a summary of what I've done can be found here: https://www.behance.net/gallery/170483501/WB100-x-CN30). Other things I can't really share because they're personal projects I'm not ready to reveal publicly at this time. But it's good stuff.

Truth be told, I'm not really sure of my place in this world these days. I'm too old to be doing things like this on a daily basis (hell, The X Bridge, the site where I really felt like myself, turns 25 on July 10, so I've been doing this since I was in my 20s). Maybe it's time I should just fade offline.

Or, maybe, I should just do more. The problem with that is my tools are limited as are my funds (freelance work is few and far between, and my used computer can only do so much), and the few savings I did have goes into medications (how in the world is eye health NOT covered by health care?), so, any little bit helps a lot.

Regardless, I'm working hard to find a place in this world. I haven't been on Tumblr in a while.

I have just completed my 45th solar revolution.

It was a rough year. It was a troubling year. It was a challenging year. But by the time It ended, I began to rebuild myself.

I had been in a funk and hated a lot about myself for way too long. I hated that I wasn’t in a place I needed to be professionally. I hated that I was still stuck in a position that I couldn’t get out of. I hated that I couldn’t convince the love of my life to come live with me down here so we could start a life and a family together, and when she died… I hated myself for fighting harder to make that happen.

I felt like my life had come to an end. I felt like I had nothing to live for. I felt like I didn’t need to stay around. And with signs telling not to look forward to things I wanted to see and do anymore, and the country you live in continues to embrace hatred over love, greed over grace, and pain over peace, I was in a dark, dark place.

So much bad luck. Water heater leaks. Losing ¼ of my clothing and a whole lot of irreplaceable items like books, comics, photos, and other things to water damage. Months later, I lost my computer, my tether to the outside world.

I felt like I was cursed.

I felt like staying in my bed because there was nothing worth getting up for. And even in that frustration on my lowest day, I started to be more reflective about some things.

I have my health. My right eye is blurry, but at least I could see color and basic shapes (but not details), but I’m still healthy for the most part. I still have a family that still loves the hell out of me. I still have a hole in the wall where I can rest my head. I have friends. Most of them are online, but I am ever-so-grateful to have them in my life.

The more I thought about the good things in life and not focusing so much on the bad stuff, the more I realized I’m actually okay. I wasn’t cursed. I wasn’t damned. I was okay. Life was fine. Not perfect, but fine.

I felt like I needed to start over and find focus in things I left behind a long time ago.

I started to write again.

I started to draw again.

I started to be more creative again.

I looked back at the things I’ve done decades ago and wondered where that guy was. Whatever happened to that guy who just loved what he was doing and created folders full of sketches and stories? I know I can’t go back to what I used to be, but I’m rediscovering that side of me I felt was long buried, and you know what?

2022 sucked. I lost so much.

My computer and a lot of recent projects. Some things I was working on and have saved over the last month are still on that computer. Drafts for projects that I was preparing, including updates to the books I was writing, my Justice League Universe stuff, my Chalice notes, and others are gone. Backup often & always, kids.

A quarter of my wardrobe, thanks to a water heater leak.

My cell phone service.

Use of an eye (I can't see details much in one eye).

Family members.

The love of my life (I lost her back in January, and it still hurts).

But I'm rebuilding.

I don't have a computer of my own anymore, can't afford one at this time, and I definitely need one of those. I'm currently working with an older, borrowed laptop from my godmother. It's missing a couple of keys, which is why I don't feel comfortable doing a lot of typing these days. That makes a lot of things difficult.

Especially since freelance writing and graphic design work helps pays the bills. I know it's a long shot, but I put a computer on my Amazon Wish List, so if you could help me out there, I would be forever thankful.

I also have a PayPal account, and if you want to help me there, I'd appreciate that as well. Even a little helps a lot.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know I want to do more posting, especially since the place I usually conduct myself seems to be under new management. Sometimes you have to return to your roots to grow again.

I don't know when I'll be back online full-time, but when I do, I'll be back on Thoughtnami. Until then, here's where I am. I may not be writing much, but I am keeping an eye out for things.

I’ve been evolving as an artist for a while. 

I just don’t have all the tools I need. I got a lot of tools thanks to some super-kind friends, to which I’m eternally grateful, more than they know.

I’m dedicating 2020 to my art. I spent much of the last decade wallowing in my own depression. Still trying to work out that one very complicated situation I’m in, but lately, I’ve been feeling really good. Health is good, I’m losing weight, and I’m ready to have fun writing and drawing again. 

I’m just missing a few things. Most notably a drawing tablet and a newer computer (this machine’s been fritzing lately, and I don’t know how much life it has in it left, but I’m doing a lot of saving. This sucks because as a caregiver, I don’t have that much of an income these days, and most of what I save ends up paying bills. Fewer freelance jobs came my way in 2019, but hopefully, those fortunes will change too.

It’s my birthday month! If you could help a poor dude out, I’d be truly appreciative. I’m going to try not making a habit of doing this again. I hope I don’t have to. I’m just trying to get back into my art in the new year. Thank you for understanding.

I’ll make more fruitful posts in the future. I promise. 

Amazon Wish List:

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2AMUWUOGE5QG1?ref_=wl_share

PayPal:

5,000 posts!

Whoa. That’s a big number. I think about 4/5 of what I post around here I actually made. It’s been a long time coming, and I want to thank you all for sticking around in spite of my mood swings and weird self. As long as I’m still having fun here, I’ll keep on posting here at Thoughtnami.

To the next 5,000 posts and beyond.