#thought overload

so tonight i went to Kingsman with my coworker Kevin, the same one who went to Sniper the other night with me and drank that jalapeno juice shot with me yesterday at work lmao hes really great

so the movie was awesome but you know it isnt prime talking time and i figured this is the last time i see him before i leave so when we were walking to our cars in -10 degree weather he says "you know if you ever want to chill i basically have an entire house to myself bc my parents live downtown" and i was like "is that offer open right now?" and hes like "sure!" so i follow him to his house

and its really fun and we're just like hanging out and then we go to his room so he can show me some commercials hes edited and stuff on his laptop and then we start talking about something our manager said the other night about how he picks up women by asking them what animal they would be and then guessing it correctly and so we were talking about it and i said i would be a dog, but yesterday my manager pegged me as a cheetah and i was like "yeah cause im real intimdating" and he goes "you're not intimidating" and before i know it hes like right there and he starts kissing me and i was like ?!?!?!?!

now the craziest thing is i stop because i am so flustered because i was taken SO off guard like i didnt see it coming AT ALL like keep in mind im 20 fucking years old and a guy has never shown any interest in me ever so like i am just not even considering something like this happening and we were just you know talking and what not so im like apologizing and am super red and hes like "you want to kiss me again, don't you" and hes all smooth and im not so i panic and make things REALLY uncomfortable for about a minute

and then... we just end up talking for the next five hours until 5:30 am when i finally leave (i tried at 3 and 4:15 but got sucked back into conversation) and we literally talked about everything and it was really great its what i wanted to happen when i asked to go to his house you know i didnt mean to send him any signals

the thing is i dont know if he kissed me bc he actually likes me or if he just thought that's what i wanted when i asked to go to his house but in the end he never made another move and was really chill and i had a really great night

the only thing is i hope he doesnt really think i rejected him because its him. honestly i just didnt want to get into all that when im leaving for fucking Korea in 2 days and hes going to school in Miami starting in April and life is complicated and timing is everything

but just, im glad that everything happened tonight. i know that took insane courage for him to even do that really and im proud i didnt you know just run out on the spot

also... i have been toying around with the idea of asexuality and i think tonight definitely confirmed i am ace bc i actually really do like him and toyed around with the idea of us two but it was never serious because my life isnt like that, but there i was in his bedroom with him kissing me and i just couldnt do it like i couldnt enjoy it

i just... have so many thoughts and emotions right now