#thought changing

My therapist shared with me five aspects of the self to help me value myself. She said "we are not what we do and we will not value ourselves if we do not take care of ourselves." The five aspects of self-care are:

Emotional

Social

Physical

Spiritual

Intellectual

I have to drill them into my head and make progress on each of them. As my therapist and I discussed each aspect, we agreed that I am putting most of my self into Intellectual things. Therefore, I'm very lacking in the rest and there is little balance in my life. That is what hinders me from valuing myself even in the most positive of moods. As a result, my therapist and I discussed each area throughly. I found that they all somewhat connect. Maybe that is why self-care is so difficult. In turn, maybe that's why it is so hard for me to value myself.

As mentioned, my intelectual self is set. I do all my work, go to my classes, study, etc. I could perhaps use a job to put my intellect to use thought. Yet, all my focus on college and my intellectual self has caused me to neglect the four other selves. I don't exercise or eat healthy, so the physical self is denied. I don't hang out with people much and I am not meeting new people so the social self is nearly non-existent. And I am not spiritual because I don't really believe in anything that can't be proven. Not to mention I haven't even got a full grasp on what spirituality even is. As a result of all of this, my emotional needs are not being met other than through therapy, writing, and self-exploration.

My therapist told me I should focus on my strengths to avoid obsessing over people and things. I reiterate my thoughts/scenarios a lot and they really get me nowhere at all. So, here is what's on my list so far. 

LGBTQ Advocacy

Hard Working

Caring

Photography

Photoshop

Honesty

Determined

Funny

Writing

Planning Events

Set in my ways (proud of who I am and my diet--pescetarian).

Playing piano

I have to admit coming up with just 12 things was not easy. It took me a good fifteen minutes. And surely there must be more which I am currently unable to recognize or admit.

What struck me the most is that I could not convince myself to put "nice" down. I use to know that I was nice. Now I'm not so sure. I use to be the girl who liked pretty much everyone and got along with almost anyone. Suddenly that changed. I guess in a way it's good because I was able to realize that people aren't always who you think. However, I've been doing an awful lot of talking behind peoples backs and I really am not proud of it. That's the exact think I used to be avidly against yet somehow now I find myself engaging in it. I feel awful about it but it's like I can't stop myself. Maybe my life is so boring I feel the need to complain about others to make it more interesting. Or maybe I just dislike myself so much that I want to find things wrong in other people too. Whatever it is, it just doesn't seem right to me. 

I had my second therapy visit today. It again concentrated on getting me to think of things differently. One of the things was to employ a three step method: I feel, this is what I want to change, and feedback.

I feel (emotion) when (this happens) because...

I would like for (this to happen)

How do you (the person you're speaking to) feel about that?

That is a method that I will certainly work on. It should help conflict resolution go smoother. My therapist said this method works because it doesn't use "you" until the feedback stage. "You" triggers a defense response, so if you don't use it the listener won't get defensive. Also, when this method is used, the speaker becomes more mindful of what he or she is saying and may then naturally refrain from yelling. People do not like to listen to yelling so they usually don't. Then the conflict is left unresolved.

Unresolved conflicts build up. As they do, so do the anger and other emotions associated with them. My therapist told me all of that. She also described anger as being a glass full of water. When that glass is full all it takes is one drop of water for it to spill over. That means anger overload. So instead of simply reacting to the little thing that just happened, you react with all of your built up anger.

Right now, my glass of anger is pretty full. I have anger toward my brother for screwing up the family because he was drug addicted. I have anger toward my Dad for being computer-addicted, breaking things, and verbally abusing me (calling me a "fuck up" or telling me to "shut the fuck up"). I have anger toward my Mom from when she would not listen to me when I needed her and for denying me access to therapy (back then). I have anger for how my mother and brother reacted to my suicide attempt (I might make another post about this or just ask me if you want to know). I have anger toward them for so many things. So the minute they add a drop of water to my glass I usually flip out. Part of what I'm working on with my therapist is how to let go of that anger...how to empty my glass.