#thisspringday

I just wanted to write a really long post about the girl I love with all my heart.

I get that we don’t necessarily talk every single day but no matter what, we still love each other so much. She still continues to love me for various reasons that I don’t even understand. And I love her because of so many small things that she does that can make my mood go from 0-100 in seconds.

From the day we became friends, she never failed to be there for me whenever I needed her. And I’m doing my best to do the same for her. It took me months to realize her obvious crush on me and even then when I realized I had liked her, I was afraid to confess. It’s still funny to think our friends had even noticed we couldn’t possibly be just friends and silently rooted for us to one day become #sarae.

Fast forward to today, I’m always thinking about her. On bad days, I think of my favorite memories. Like when she made me my first ever Happy Birthday video, and the fact she couldn’t wait to show me so she had uploaded it early. When I miss her, I remember holding her hand at the BTS Anaheim concert and being so glad I got to experience my first BTS concert with her. I laugh a bit when I remember being so tired at iHOP after the concert that I fell asleep on her shoulder and our friend took a picture of us.

There’s a lot more moments that I could talk about but I’d rather keep them to myself because I’m selfish hehe. I’m not one for all this sweet and cute stuff, but I couldn’t help myself today. (Sorry things are so jumbled LOL I would type more but that'd be a shit storm)

@thisspringday

So this ended up being incredibly long, but I kind of loved every second of writing it.  Please check below the cut for the rest of drabble one and for drabble two! 

“You don’t have to say anything.”

Oooh, I have a good feeling about this one~.

It had happened so fast.  One minute, they were playing around, and then, well-

It wasn’t as if Jimin and Hoseok didn’t play like this constantly.  It was a thing that friends did - tease each other, slip into roles every now and then for a joke.  It only made sense that they always pushed it that extra mile.  Seokjin and Taehyung might’ve been the ones who had studied acting and gone professional, but Jimin and Hoseok had always had a special flare for the dramatic.

It wasn’t the same, though sometimes it probably looked it.  Taehyung and Seokjin never quite got sucked in the way Jimin and Hoseok did.  Hoseok more so than Jimin - it was always Hoseok more so than Jimin.  It wasn’t that he didn’t feel things as deeply as Hoseok.  Not at all.  But Hoseok always thought Jimin had this special ability to be able to keep things lighthearted from his end.

Hoseok didn’t have that.  He only pretended to.

But that didn’t matter.  Because most of what they played at was only ever teasing.  It wasn’t like they ever fell into anything dramatic.  Sometimes their eyes locked for a second too long.  Sometimes Jimin’s gaze would go distant and different in some inexplicable, undefinable way and Hoseok would think, ‘Man is this kid good.’  And cute.

No, not cute.  After some fumbling with his brain during one particular such moment, Hoseok finally plucked the accurate word from out of the mental pile that had built in his head.  Attractive.  Jimin was attractive.

Objectively, right? That’s what everyone thought and said - Jimin was attractive; it was a fact.  Hoseok knew that the online buzz was that people were wanting him to star in a drama, but honestly, in his opinion, the next one to get a crack at such a shot should have been Jimin.  He had everything to go towards it.

This one time, Hoseok had gotten sucked into character just a little too far.  Somehow, through their game, they’d marched all the way back until Jimin was pressed with his back to a wall.  Crowded, but not uncomfortable.  The younger stood in a confident slouch, no nerves or fear in his eyes, only curiosity at where this was going, what the next line would be.

Hoseok didn’t even really know how it happened, this thing that ended up transpiring.  Not the backpedaling, although he was kind of confused about that too.  He was smirking at Jimin, gesturing to him with juts of his chin.  Whenever he spoke, his lips were in a teasing pout.

Truthfully, it was just like normal.  But somehow, this time, things ended with Hoseok’s lips pressed against the younger dancer’s.  It lasted only long enough for Hoseok’s thoughts to come flooding back to him, for sensibility and panic to have him pull back with such force it was as if his spirit had left him and found a way to physically yank his body away.  His mind raced for something to say.

Jimin’s expression was still mostly unreadable (or maybe it was just because Hoseok was suddenly so nervous that he couldn’t decipher his look) but he stared on with wide eyes at the elder.

“Uh-” The words died in Hoseok’s throat.  “I, uh-” It was rare Hoseok would ever be seen speechless, but it was surely happening now.  “You- You don’t have to say anything.  Let’s forget this happened, y-yeah, Jimin?” His name suddenly felt strange and foreign on Hoseok’s tongue.  “I got carried away.” His chest heaved with nervous laughter.  It wasn’t pleasant laughter - not for Hoseok.  It felt more like his insides were attempting to escape through his throat.  He wouldn’t blame them, really.  At this moment, he wished he could be anywhere but here too.  Still, the panic set his lips to twist into a smile.  (Also painful, it made his mouth twinge, felt like his teeth were coming down too hard.)  “It’s been so long since I’ve gotten to kiss someone that I just-”

Jimin’s eyes were transfixed on Hoseok’s.  He knew what the elder was saying was a lie.  Jimin knew him too well, and Hoseok was currently too flustered, for him to not be able to see it.  He straightened against the wall.  Jimin didn’t want lies or cute rambling, not right now.  

Wordlessly, he interrupted, reaching forward to grab at the back of Hoseok’s neck with both of his hands and pull the older dancer back to his lips.

He just wanted this.

“Happy birthday.”

When I hear ‘birthday’, I think of the last Happy Birthday Hobi stream where he mentioned that Jimin had written him a note earlier in the day that had him touched.

Somewhere along the way, birthdays became important to Hoseok.  Gained new meaning.  It had been a long time since they had really been anything special to him.  Not for any particular sad reason or anything, Hoseok supposed, but, well, some things lost their excitement as one got older.  Birthdays were normal - they happened once a year and all they meant was that you made it another turn around the sun.

Perhaps that was a surprisingly mundane and apathetic view for someone who was known as Bangtan’s hope.  Most fans probably couldn’t imagine the one who appeared on their screens as the hyperactive dancer, always smiling, fidgeting, and making cute faces and voices, to be apathetic about anything.  Stage presence could be deceiving, though.

Hoseok loved making other people smile and laugh, loved entertaining their fans, but he wasn’t some naive optimist filled with warmth 24/7.  Before gaining his place in the seven-person group, Hoseok had lived his life as a regular guy, had had experiences and faced hardships that dabbed his personality with cynicism, just like anyone else.

He was not a pessimist, and he’d never try to act that way, but the truth was he was more of a realist than someone who relied on blind optimism.  They already had someone in the group who was outspoken with that mindset though, and Yoongi pulled it off a hell of a lot better than Hoseok imagined he ever could.

Besides, the optimism, the silliness, it helped people.  So what if sometimes he had to fake the intensity of his light? If it raised the people Hoseok cared dearly about up, it was worth it.

It didn’t make it real, though.  So when it came to feeling things that only regarded himself, Hoseok just generally felt a lot..less.  (If any of the group-mates voiced concern or displeasure at this, Hoseok would argue that no one could be at full hyperactivity, 100% of the time.  It was called hyperactivity for a reason, and he was just doing his best to budget his energy and enthusiasm.)

Birthdays were just one of those things that, as Hoseok got older, stopped being special to him.  It was just another day in the year.

But, as with anyone, experiences and the people one chose to spend their time with would change you, had to change you if only in the subtlest of ways. Diffusion was inevitable.

The love he felt for ARMYs was doubled back at him, and their passion, their kindness, and their enthusiasm never ceased to surprise him, never ceased to warm his heart, and with each degree warmer he felt his heart become, his inner light was rekindled.

One of the biggest ‘rekindling’ sources was Bangtan itself, of course.  The love and support he received from people he’d come to think of as brothers was unlike anything he’d experienced before and he owed them the world.

One of the most significant sources of light was Jimin.  If Yoongi was Bangtan’s realism, their rationale, Jimin was was their aspiration, the one who could truly lift any cynicism Hoseok had about himself and let him believe that anything was possible.  Hoseok may have been Bangtan’s hope but Jimin was his.

It was Jimin who brought him to once again appreciate birthdays.  Not through gifts (though those had been unexpected too) or parties (if ever there was a party for Hoseok, Hoseok sought to make it a party for everyone - a birthday bash for Hoseok was more like a regular party for all.)  But by making him re-examine things.  “Hyung,” he once said.  “Look at how many people love you.”

Hoseok had lightly shook his head, smiling.  He’d been sure that the fans only gave such outpourings because of the simple fact that they were fans of the group at large.

Jimin disagreed though.  “These people are here speaking to you personally and doing things for you.  They don’t have to do that.”  He implored Hoseok to look at the effort they expended - look at the projects and the money that was spent to make these personal birthday wishes happen.

Huh.

And one year, he’d even convinced Hoseok to broadcast on V Live for his birthday.  Hoseok hadn’t really thought anyone would show up to that, or if they did, that they’d check in, see who was streaming, and leave.  But they didn’t.  Then, he thought, surely they would just stay in the chat itself and not participate.  His aim was to play games with everyone.

But they had participated.

They’d, in fact, jumped at the chance to participate.  And then Jimin had given him a gift for the first time, on camera.

The surprises that day had been overwhelming, and when Hoseok had managed to find some alone time later that day, it was all he could do to let some tears fall over the whole thing.

The next year, he wasn’t as surprised about the cheerful ‘happy birthday’ he’d gotten from Jimin (though he certainly was surprised to see that the younger had apparently strategically gotten up earlier than he did to make him breakfast).  He expected the tight hug he received as he got up from the table to begin his day.  The “No present this year; I’m broke” only sought to make him laugh.  (Hoseok had pat Jimin’s shoulder and assured that all he’d already done was present enough.)  But then he handed him a note.  Not a card, but a folded piece of paper.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“Read it,” Jimin said.  He gestured with his hand before having that one join the other at his back.

Hoseok unfolded the note.  It was a full page.  A page thanking him and talking about his importance, not just to the group as a whole but to Jimin himself.  How Hoseok helped him improve and have faith in himself in dance.  How Hoseok always made him feel happy.  How Hoseok always made him feel loved and worth it and good enough.

In the end, Jimin had summed it up with a simple phrase.  One that Hoseok had heard often enough, but seemed to mean more now than any time before.  

“You’re my hope.

Happy birthday, Hobi-hyung.”

He couldn’t stop his lips from trembling and could do nothing about his vision distorting from tears.  Hoseok sniffled helplessly as his nose began to run.  His eyes kept retracing over the words.

Knowing he was done reading, Jimin smiled, the expression warm and gentle.  “I’m sorry I couldn’t get you anything, hyung.”

“Yah, Park Jimin, come here.”  Jimin’s arms were outstretched before Hoseok had even finished speaking, and he pulled the younger into a tight hug.

Somehow it felt like Jimin was the one hugging him though.  That did nothing for his state.  Hoseok buried his face into Jimin’s shoulder.

Jimin only reacted with a snicker, leaning his head against the elder and patting and rubbing at his back.

“Why do you always make me look like such a cry baby?”

Jimin’s smile stretched into a grin, bright and toothy.  “It’s what we do, hyung,” he said.  “We emasculate each other.”

Hoseok gave a distressed sigh, but made no move to part from Jimin.  He just returned his head to the crook of Jimin’s neck.

The younger dancer giggled, patting his hand one more time comfortingly on the elder’s back.