How to Handle the Snowpocalypse like a Rational Adult in 10 Easy Steps
Despite it being the only thing discussed on the media besides the Super Bowl, ignore the impending doom and wait until the very last second to go clean off your car for work.
Approach your car and stare at it while shaking your fist at God and wondering about your life choices such as living in the greater Chicago area without a shovel or an ice scraper because HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
Witness neighbor giving other neighbor a shovel to dig out his car. March over there and demand that he “hurry up and get that shovel over here.”
Spin tires in place for several minutes. Feel confused and tell people “I’m not even moving!”
Ignore advice that spinning tires repeatedly will just create a block of ice beneath them.
Wait for shovel to be brought to you. Spectate as neighbor digs your car out.
Spot two children playing in a snowbank and yell at them to go get their mothers’ shovels. When they back away in fear to play somewhere else, yell after them that they are “worthless!”
After 15 more minutes of rocking the car, having your car pushed by two neighbors, and watching your neighbors continue to dig and chip away at - you guessed it - a block of ice under your tire, you finally get your car out of your space.
Roll your window down long enough to tell the neighbors “Now some kids will be able to get their shots… Even though they probably won’t even show up!”
Speed off to work and administer immunization shots to young children all day. If they don’t cry from the shot, give them a hard pinch for good measure.
