#thisisnotokay

(TW: Suicide)

Hey, so I don't think I'm going to post many things like this from here on out, but I need to share this.

Have you ever been in a 16-year-long relationship that just ended? There are so many unanswered questions that I can't get out of my head. It's a game, a silly game, so I feel stupid, silly, and embarrassed that this break-up is causing me so much distress. But that's what it is: a breakup. 

My relationship with World of Warcraft started when I was a Junior in high school. I had a Spanish class and wasn't grasping the language well, but I fell in with a very polite bunch of guys from Mexico (I honestly only remember the best from those guys) and they helped me pass my Spanish tests and work on my Spanish homework. We’d hang out in Ventrillo (this was before Discord existed) and raid Gruul’s Lair and they’d help me master conjugating verbs in Spanish. Lessons learned and HS classes passed.

Eventually, they stopped playing, and I met my first boyfriend through WoW. Cliché, I know, but that was in, like, 2007. (Side note: How did I find an age-appropriate guy that wasn't an ax-murderer ONLINE???) I think that ended in 2008 with the realization that long-distance relationships sucked. Lesson learned. 

Boyfriend 2 was in PA, which really wasn't all that far for me to drive. So, yeah, I drove to visit him (side note again: totally age-appropriate and NOT an ax-murderer!) until I learned that he didn't have any of his own motivation and that I'd be pulling all the weight in that relationship. Lesson learned. 

2009, enter the eventually-to-be-husband (whom I met at work, then realized also played WoW. WOW.) I was also on an RP server, so I learned my way around a keyboard pretty quickly (that keyboard class in HS was a joke). I also got into a competitive 4+1 program (only 4 other people got approved for that program when I applied) for writing (thanks for the practice WoW!). My SO and I played WoW on our Macs (not joking, we were more professionals than gamers) when we had the time, but I was pretty busy with college work, work, helping with his work, and volunteering. And he proposed, but this story/rant isn't about that. It's about WoW. So, he proposed and I got to work on my MA thesis: Online Faces in Online Spaces. Catchy, right? It involved a lot more research within the World of Warcraft community as well as other online spaces. A few days after I presented my MA thesis to the University, I got married. Thank Elune my significant other took care of the wedding 100%.

He and I stopped playing WoW for a while; I mean, we were married, I had my MA in Writing and had an adjunct professor job at a few local community colleges. 

In the beginning of 2015, I started playing WoW again; I was pretty bored with our perfectly normal life. I also wanted to go back to school, but the only school I wanted to go to was in TN. He didn't want to move. Naturally, the only and best course of action was to get a divorce. I then moved to TN and went to school and played WoW. 

That time was rocky, with lots of ups and lots of downs, and I moved a lot. But I always had WoW and the community of online-friends for comfort. At one point, I lost my job, my apartment, and had to rehome the two cats I brought with me from NJ, but the ex-him said he thought I wasn't attractive for a while before we divorced, and I couldn't move back in with him. I moved in with my parents, then my car was repo'd since I didn't have a job or money to pay the bills. WoW was my comfort then, WoW and the friends I made within the community. 

And life was promising! I was chatting with my friends and things were looking up! I moved from my parents' house to FL. I got a job, signed a lease with that job for an apartment, and all the amenities (barring WoW since that was a little out-of-price at the moment). I worked for exactly 90 days, then they fired me without reason. That lease I signed? The price went up by about 1k without that employer as my current employer. So what was I going to do? I couldn't afford that apartment the following month and all I got were "Unfortunately" letters from applications for months.

No WoW to log into. No access to friends (that time, I hadn’t heard of Discord) to get advice.  And my brain doesn't function well in times of crisis. At least if I logged in, I'd get a few "Hello!" whispers from friends, and that might've snapped me out of the fog I was in. Alas, that wasn’t the case. 

But after my job search felt helpless after the endless months, my supply of Ativan looked so good. I emptied the bottle that night and was in the hospital for a few days (again, the story isn't about that, but WoW, moving on…)

Broke, homeless, and overwhelmingly depressed and angry, I set up "camp" in my friends' dining room in TN (let's call her G). I played the free trial of WoW to allow my brain to focus on getting samples from Teldrassil's moon wells instead of what was going on around me (those “Unfortunately” letters still flooded my inbox as I frantically looked for a job). I would hide under a flat sheet and escape into World of Warcraft; I wasn’t in a good headspace back then and I felt like I needed to drown out everything and hide; World of Warcraft was my escape. 

WoW was comfort. It allowed me to escape the harsh reality of real life, which I desperately needed a break from. 

I moved back to NJ and bounced around to PA and NJ again after that. For the beginning, I was doing contract work and transcribing things online. But in PA, there were way more opportunities: I used Getaround to rent cars and drove for Uber. I made way more on Uber than the car cost to rent, so I made enough to pay for a WoW subscription and pay all the necessary things: rent, bills, and food. I needed to escape into WoW and to update my friends on everything. I got a real job and moved to NJ with a friend where I was able to save a chunk of money. I was able to buy a new (very used) car and more and more subs to WoW. Things were looking up! I even learned about Discord and joined a great community. I made lots of new friends in WoW who gave me very good advice about my situation and how to handle things. Lesson learned that WoW was a GREAT place to start friendships. 

2020: My mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. I dropped everything in NJ to drive down to live with my friend G while I visited my mom as much as possible. Since the job I got in PA is remote, I'm able to do it from anywhere, so I was able to work in TN when I lived with G. I saved up again and was able to get into public housing, the best that I could afford and can afford right now.

Anyway, we're almost caught up. WoW has been, from that point forward, gifted to me by others (usually my friends in NJ) so I never miss a subscription. I've been attending raids, running mythics with online friends, grinding lower raids and dungeons for tmogs or mounts, and doing dailies, just to keep my mind occupied. The consistency is providing a solid basis so I don't wallow in depression or overthink everything. 

Which I think this probably is. Overthinking. But my World of Warcraft account was suspended for something (RMT) that I can't comprehend and the family cat died Monday. 

After being there for 16 years, through all the crap I've been handed, at least there was a way to escape into a lush, descriptive, still-growing world. Now? No escape. I can't believe that cat died… I've been trying other games, but they don't quite cover the wound that WoW left. 

But it's just a game, how did it have that much sway over me? Regardless, a 16-year relationship was broken and now I'm broken, too. I tried running mythics with friends when my mom told me the news. I was streaming on Twitch when I got the call, did someone think I was a bot? I bought a leggo cloak off the AH the day before I was suspended. A few people said that could have been flagged as an RMT thing. I dunno.

WHAT IN THE HECKING FUCK IS WRONG WITH THUS MAN HE SACRIFICED HIS ENTIRE FRICKING ARM AND FOR WHAT???