#thisisnotacryforhelp

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. You get to see all of your family, open presents, eat food and stay warm- plus everyone is happy and no one fights. This year however, has been my least favorite Christmas in a long, long time. I spent very little time with the family I like and too much with the family I don't like. Instead of the usual embarrassing questions about boyfriends and activities, I was bombarded with questions about what I was gonna do about college. Where I am going to go. What classes I am going to take. The questions go on and on. All I wanted to do was cry. And my parents keep pressuring me to take more classes. Which just makes me sad. I am afraid of tomorrow. I am afraid that despite all of my growing up, I may still be a sad little girl who can't control her emotions. And the food was bad (like seafood enchiladas bad). So I'm hungry and depressed. And although I really haven't eaten anything today, I feel fat and ugly and inadequate. I have no idea what the fuck I am doing and everyone is watching. Everyone is whispering. Everyone is afraid that what happened to me could happen to them, or their children, or their friends. Everyone is giving me their opinion, which I haven't asked for. I don't understand how someone so young can make such a big decision about their life- one that lasts four years. To think that there are girls and guys getting married at my age- THAT'S FOREVER! I think most of all I am afraid I am not the woman I thought/believed/wanted to be. Maybe this is my life. Maybe I should stop crying and accept it.