#thisisjusthowimfeeling

I am feeling two completely different things right now.

On one hand my self confidence and self love is on a huge high. I haven’t felt this confident in the way I look in a long time and it feels great. My binder came in Thursday so that helped a whole lot

On the other hand I feel like I’m losing my best friend, and that I’m not enough.

It’s almost like for every step I try to take forward the whole drop kicks me back. I didn't get the role or basically even a role in the musical. I tried out for a lead which is honestly way out of my comfort zone and I got put in chorus. Musical theater in my school is a class to technically everyone gets a role. Anyways, my best friend got the part I really fucking wanted. I’m happy for her because she stepped out of her comfort zone but I can’t help but feel stung.. hurt and honestly a little bit bitter. I’ve been working my ass off in mt for the past three years and she only joined last year and she gets basically a lead? I just.. I don’t think it’s fair that I didn’t get a part.

It feels like recently with everything I do the whole world is telling me I’m asking for too much and it’s putting me in my place, saying that I should stop trying to be more than I am. It feels like it’s saying that I need to stop thinking I can or will be more than I actually am, like I need to stop reaching and striving for greater thing because I’m not great. 

Anyways I’m happy for her but it sucks