#thisisbeat

2/20/15

I lay here in bed unable to sleep.  I had maybe two hours of sleep the day beforedue to thinking too much, everyone in the house keeping me awake for one reason or the other and not falling asleep again afterwards.  So why am I not sleeping now?  Is this a side effect of CMF, a combination chemotherapy with cyclophosphamide, methotrexate and fluorouracil?

I tried visualization meditation (read at hospital).  Imagined that the CMF was not just these three poisons put into my body but an elite team of soldiers.  Wait, what?  Where did that come from?  I do not like war, fighting, I am more a Disney type of chick.  So where did this thought come from?  I try to re-set my mind with different scenarios but I keep coming back to the same thought. Soldiers.

To me, cancer is like terrorism.  It comes in uninvited and tries to harm the good, the innocent and tries to multiply with evil agendas that are selfish and unrelenting.  WHY?  Same question I keep asking myself as I watch the news.  You see I do not like to talk politics, religion and try to let people have their views hoping they will respect mine.  I just want to coexist.  But the similarities are too much to ignore.

I keep having the same scene play out in my head.  Todd Beamer from United Flight 93... you might remember him from September 11, 2001 as the person who said "Let's Roll" before he and a bunch of amazingly brave people took down the terrorists and did not allow the plane to hit the intended target. 

So you are probably wondering why I keep thinking of him?  You see I liken my cancer surgery to that.  We got the bad news, terrorists where on my flight (my body).  I had no weapons for a fair fight on my own but with a team of folks willing to work together (radiologists, surgeons, oncologists, so on) we could all take it down.  We could make a stand.  My "Let's Roll" moment was my lumpectomies.  We had to have some causalities (non cancerous cyst, good cells in margins, sentinel node) and of course we had to deal with the ramifications (scarring, chemotherapy, radiation, side effects and hormone therapy).  But we could win if we put our mind to it.

Again I close my eyes and see weird shapes and cloudy swirls.  I imagine it going from place to place and seeing areas get cleared.  I imagine CMF coming in as an army of sorts and checking cell and after cell.  I tell CMF they are not to touch the good.  (Yes I talk to them, I am the commander of this army, don't judge my visualization meditation.)  I tell them that they can salute them as they go by but not touch.  Like all terrorists they hide among the innocent just doing their jobs and living normal lives.  They try to blend in and act like a healthy cell but they are recruiting non -stop and multiplying.  This CMF has a big job on its hands.  For the majority of cells (like people in this world) are good.

So before I start I should tell you I am a pretty open person, my husband not so much. So telling people and how was a bit of a challenge.

By the time my husband came home from that extremely important meeting (trying to secure a customer to save the company's temporary struggle) I knew my in-laws were told by my husband.  Being that we share a household I knew they would be the first I would see.  They gave me hugs, tears in eyes telling me everything was going to be ok.  My father-in-law is 78 and very sensitive to anything that is health related and could kill so he was especially sensitive.  It was sweet to see the love they had for me. (Supposedly my work-a-holic but amazing sister-in-law was told and was so upset she left work!  I mean you need to know her, nothing makes her leave work. Damn I am loved!) 

I was afraid to call my mom (my dad died almost 8 years earlier), so I called my step dad's cell thinking he could break the news to her better.  She lives several states away - a twelve hour drive in one direction.  Go figure the one time I call my step dad's phone instead of hers and my mom answers on the first ring.  Did I mention my mom and I are 'witchy'? Runs in the family.  We just seem to know stuff, have a strong intuition and can sense things.  She knew why I called my step dad's phone.  It had to be a Friday and they were at their cabin together and I HAD TO TELL HER.  Nothing more terrible than telling a mom her only child has cancer over the phone.  Can't hug, can't show you are ok, can't do anything. It took all I could to convince her NOT to come yet.  I mean she was ready to jump in the car.  It took a while of rational talk such as I do not have a surgeon yet, I do not have results for the second biopsy yet, I do not know when they will operate, etc. I had to insist that it was ok to stay home.  Then I told her I was ok... I knew SHE was NOT ok, but I needed to get a plan in order and I needed to keep the mom card (leave her life to take care of kids and most likely me) when I really needed it. And though I was more worried about her (and my kids and hubby) than I was about cancer, I needed to get organized.

Some journey huh?  Let the roller coaster begin.

12/12 

So I thought at this point I would have heard a day and a half ago.  Was told usually takes a day or two.  By the third day I was besides myself with anxiousness. So I called them.

They in turn asked me when I was coming in for the second biopsy.  I was due to go there in next hour and a half for the second biopsy (yes people I could not wait the hour and a half and called them... until you live it you won't understand). They asked that we speak in person.  It was confirmed as far as I was concerned.  Meet with the same radiologist (angel) and told it was cancer.  I was numb.  Up until that time I was convinced I would not get cancer like the rest of the family, my dad died of a stroke and I always thought I was different like him. (Crazy I know, but this made sense in my mind.) 

My husband was in shock.  My tears rolled as the doctor spoke.  We had many questions.  Here I just found out I had cancer and then I had to go for another biopsy again.  Crazy.

Then out of nowhere somehow I accepted this news.

It was such a GIFT to be able to come to terms with this.  I mean I was suddenly calm and ok.  I was texting my cousin from the waiting room updating her calmly(the one that beat cancer).  This crazy nut job for the last ten days was at peace?  Weird but true.  My husband on the other hand was not (though he did not ever let me see anything).  He was late for a VERY IMPORTANT meeting.  Company critical meeting and we needed insurance now more than ever.  But he would not leave.  I literally had to push him out of the door.  As I waited in the waiting room for the biopsy I could see my husband's car in the spot for a long time.  I was not sure if he was speaking to his parents, sister or just taking a minute but he was very late.  I had to keep texting him to please leave that I was ok.  And I was.  When I threatened to come out there he promised to leave and did.  I mean why stick around when they would not let him in for the biopsy anyway and I needed him to be distracted for a bit by working.

I laid on the table while doing the next biopsy knowing the first one was malignant.  That was out of the body surreal procedure. And I spoke so 'normally', I mean I was actually cracking a joke here and there.  How did I come to accept it within 50 minutes of hearing the news?  I guess the worse had happened.  I now knew the situation.  Now I had to deal with it.

This is where I excel I think.  Give me a situation and I will concentrate on next steps.  I zoom in with laser-like focus on the goal.  I wanted children... I made sure I knew when I was ovulating, etc.  I wanted to be cancer free I needed to get the biopsy done so I would know if it was in both breasts and plan next steps.  Find doctor. Research (and NOT ON INTERNET, most sites scare the crap out of you so I stayed away from it), make a list of questions, get referrals, etc.

I knew one thing and I knew it from my heart - this was beat.  I said this to everyone I spoke to.  It was beat.  And I will not ever forget having that attitude from day one (AFTER I found out it was truly cancer.  I wasn't able to have this attitude during the 'what if' stage).