#thisis20

To be 20 and a man in todays climate, boy oh boy. How I’d love for this to pan out well.

His favorite word to use was always. And now, I hate that word. It means nothing if I don’t have him next to me in this frivolous world of fuckups (excuse my language, i’m a lady). I always thought this would be an always kind of thing. And now that it’s not, but he’s still here, it just feels like a sick joke. It’s emotional purgatory. And I’ve prayed all I can, I heard all the quotes, i’ve read all the articles, i’ve counted the months...Nothing. I should be moving on and I am. I have started seeing/getting to know Airforce and he’s pretty cool but I can’t crack him to save my life. 

So I'm in the car, with my ex. And I just spent about half an hour talking to his parents and watching him play battlefield. How strange. Any who, he literally just ask me "What did you do after freedom fest?" Hinting to me that he saw Pat flirting with me and eventually following behind my car to McDonald's. I'll deny it till I die. Because Pat is a total tool and the only reason I entertained him was because I was bored. A quick Mack sesh behind the stage during Tope's set and that's about it if you dare to ask. Not proud of it. Anyway, I've started talking to Air force Nick again and he wants to take me out. Truth be told I've enjoyed talking to him. And I wonder what that will develop into. I think I've talked about it before but... I think I know what I want. No no- I definitely know what I want. I want a relationship. And I want one with a Man and not a boy. I want commitment, I want easy going, I want happy, I want double over laughter, I want late night cuddles and forehead kisses, I want understanding, I want love. Real love. Love that is patient, kind, and that does not boast. I want a foundation on the solid rock. And I want it relatively soon. Heck I want it now. So as I drive in the car with my ex to my girl Jady's party, I can't help but think why I'm here really. I wish it was different for me and him. But I'm not mad that this is the outcome. I'd rather be first choice than an option and I can't be certain with him. Also it's not like he wants that anyway. It's not like he drunk texted and called me three times while away on his brotrip. It's not like he texted me today asking if I wanted to ride with him to my own friends party. Life is so strange. But it doesn't...mean...anything... can't wait for tonight 👀

So I was scrolling down my insta feed this afternoon and I noticed something. I don’t smile as much anymore. And quite frankly, one may say: “instagram only shows someone’s bests moments” but I whole heartedly disagree. It shows you what someone wants to see but you can always read between the lines/ posts. Last summer, was single handedly the best summer of my life. I made tons of friends I fell in deep like for the first time and I experienced new things. And scrolling down my instagram was the proof of that. I saw genuine moment after genuine moment. Not forced laughter or pre-planned pose. I thought of myself, what was my recipe? I didn’t have any problems really. And now, problems followed me at every turn. I want to find the happy me once more. I think it’s attainable. I really do :)