#this... thing

after so long, the flames are nothing but a blanket enveloping me like sheets, embracing my body. a symbol of rebirth, a bridge to the next stage of my soul.

i watched the heat burn my old life, my old world, watched it destory everything as it created me. almost like a phoenix rising from the ashes of her old life, into a new one, rejuvenated.

it burned my legacy. the pieces of my soul that were left turned to ash over and over again and the only thing left is me but,

will the world ever know how ardently i loved? how intensely i grieved? how courageously i dared to feel in a wold that told me to quiet?

or will all that be erased because of the greed fo men i blindly decided to trust?

will my words echo into eternity, or will they be nothing but ash, no one will ever read my poetry written solely for one person, whether it be me or someone else, and just feel in the whole capacity of someone trapped beind beautiful silk dresses and social graces,or  someone who had a mind so loud its contents spilled out like honey after being retained for literally a lifetime. 

burn my legacy as it creates me. is this not how my soul shall be remembered by history?

and what about now, will it burn me too? 

Far-Wend: int.m98880.clickapalooza.spc/top-ten...with/

Shout-Command: Oh goodness, Wendy.

Shout-Command: You're a true disappointment to our species and to the beachcomb.

Shout-Command: Now our race is on a clickbait website...

Shout-Command: We'll simply never live this down.

Far-Wend: haha

Far-Wend: So like how have things been.

Far-Wend: We haven't gotten to talk much.

Shout-Command: I've been busy raising two chicks and working hard to keep our entire race fed.

Far-Wend: Jeez.

Far-Wend: Jeez.

Shout-Command: I'm not going to try and guilt you into feeling like you have to meet my stride on this. You said you're happy in space and I can respect that.

Far-Wend: Thanks

Far-Wend: Have you been keeping up along with Sides?

Shout-Command: She's been distant a real long time, but she's always been. You were the only one she ever opened her treasurecorpses to.

Far-Wend: She uh, confessed to me that she wants me back, and wants me to raise children with her.

Shout-Command: But you're too happy in space?

Far-Wend: I mean, kinda, but like, she wants like, a kind of relationship sisters shouldn't have. Like.

Far-Wend: If I were a guy, she'd want me to PUT the eggs in her, if you know what I mean.

Shout-Command: Are you falsecharging me?

Far-Wend: Don't say anything to her about it.

Far-Wend: I don't really know what to do I didn't know she felt like, THAT strongly about me.

Shout-Command: I'm going to newcharge and say you don't feel that strongly about her.

Far-Wend: I love her she's my sister she was my hunting-double but I never intended for the latter of the two to last forever.

Far-Wend: If things don't work out in space I could come back and be with her but not... not in the way she wants, you know? I'm not going to hump my sister.

Shout-Command: That seems a very reasonable thing to avoid.

Far-Wend: Just. I don't know how badly she's taking it?

Shout-Command: I'll keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn't disappear into a forest.

Far-Wend: Thanks.

Shout-Command: So how are things in space?

Far-Wend: Uhhh. I don't know. So my hunting-double is a an alien space princess twice my age who will someday become an immortal queen with thousands of children and probably own several planets?

Shout-Command: How do you even keep PACE with someone like that?

Far-Wend: Because she doesn't want to be a space queen and own planets...? I thought? I don't know anymore. I get the feeling she's up to things she's not telling me. I mean she told me she was and she told me to not look into it.

Shout-Command: That doesn't sound like a healthy doubleship, Wendy.

Far-Wend: I mean, it's not going to stay that. I mean, only I see it as a doubleship, you know? She sees me like one of her little sisters. She wants me to maybe be a handmaiden? Which is like, her bodyguard and agent and all this cool stuff? But it wouldn't be an equal relationship it'd be me taking orders.

Far-Wend: I'm not looking into what she's actually up to because she told me to and I guess it's to prove to her that I can do what she says with patience and trust?

Shout-Command: Wendy, not to seem like I don't trust you to make your own decisions, but that doesn't seem healthy. I'm half-expecting you to have bald spots now.

Far-Wend: I know... but she's an alien she doesn't have the same kind of anything that we do...

Far-Wend: She thinks I'm going to get unhappy and flake and I don't want that.

Shout-Command: Well, I've expressed my disapproval. Do you think you'll be unhappy?

Far-Wend: I kind of want to be the person she wants me to be. I looked up stuff about handmaidens and they're all basically amazing and clever and dangerous and 23rd doesn't let me make excuses for myself and I think if she's hiding anything she has good reasons. I think I trust her.

Shout-Command: Okay. I won't say anything else against it for now.

Shout-Command: I have to take the children to school.

Far-Wend: Salt lander smarts and beachcomb cleverness! The true heirs of our race.

Far-Wend: I'm really proud of you Shouty.

Shout-Command: And I know you'll give me a reason to be proud of you eventually Wendy.

Far-Wend: Haha ouch. See you Shouty.

Shout-Command: Keep in touch, Throat-Blood.

Side-Ambush: Hi...

Far-Wend: I'm staying in space.

Far-Wend: And I'm seeing how things will go with 23rd.

Far-Wend: And if, if, things go really bad, I might, might come back to Colony Only and hang out with your.

Far-Wend: As sisters, without any weird incest.

Side-Ambush: Ok...

Far-Wend: How long did you have like. Those kinds of feelings for me? Like.

Side-Ambush: Uhm. Since always, honestly...

Far-Wend: Jeez. Ok. I don't feel like that about you, you know.

Side-Ambush: I understand.

Far-Wend: Look I'll be in touch but like. You should... really try and see if you can get anything else besides me that makes you happy. I don't think I'm ever going to live on Colony Only even if things fall through with 23rd.

Side-Ambush: I could live with you in space.

Far-Wend: Look, we'll see where this all leads, ok.

Side-Ambush: Okay.

23rd Daughter of Flowers: how did it go

Far-Wend: uh i don't think she's holding up well

Far-Wend: because she wants to like

Far-Wend: have actual sex with me

Far-Wend: and no matter how well we get along, I don't feel like that about her

Far-Wend: i'm not going to hump my sister's back i don't want to i don't feel like that about her at all

Far-Wend: is that a good enough reason to not go live with her or like, do you want me to give you more reasons

23rd Daughter of Flowers: i want as many reasons as you have to give me

Far-Wend: i could honestly probably work things out with sides and have something with her i could be comfortable with

Far-Wend: if i went back she might calm down and not wanna hump it out and we could have a reasonable doubleship together and raise kids

Far-Wend: so... I don't think "incest" is a good enough reason to not go back with her

Far-Wend: it's more that. you said not to say i prefer you but

Far-Wend: i prefer you

Far-Wend: i care about you both and i run along with you both well but

Far-Wend: if i went back on colony only i know how it'd be

Far-Wend: i'd be happy sometimes but mostly just regretful

Far-Wend: i'd be angry and bitter and sides would be the only thing making me happy

Far-Wend: and sides wouldn't care so long as i was with her

Far-Wend: but you care

Far-Wend: you won't let me be that self-destructive

Far-Wend: you're the one who bit the neck and got me off drinking every time i feel bad

Far-Wend: sides will just be happy to have me around

Far-Wend: you'll only be happy if i'm being the best person I can be

Far-Wend: you've been forcing me to be better a lot i thought it was a big sister role you were satisfying yourself on and i mean maybe it still is i don't know

Far-Wend: i'm really self-destructive

Far-Wend: i'm depressed constantly and i know i'm really stubborn on things for no reasons

Far-Wend: and like i have no regard for my own life even for a culture that isn't afraid of death?

Far-Wend: whenever i go on those planetary hunts i honestly just

Far-Wend: i think a part of me is doing that because i want to die on a hunt

Far-Wend: i hate being alive and i just want to die at a moment where i'm actually happy for once

Far-Wend: i'm afraid that deep down all i really want is to die

Far-Wend: and i don't want to be like that

Far-Wend: if i go back to sides, incest stuff aside, i'm not going to become a better person

Far-Wend: but like, this part of you, that you're deciding to show me?

Far-Wend: i don't know if i really want to be your handmaiden

Far-Wend: my culture my instincts i'm meant to form an equal relationship with someone who's my match

Far-Wend: but we also have things where one of us is in charge and directs the rest of us

Far-Wend: shout-command always told us what to do and we listened because we trusted in her strength

Far-Wend: and that's an important kind of relationship to have too

Far-Wend: and if what i have with you becomes less like what i had with sides and more like with shouty i think i might be able to be okay with that at some point

Far-Wend: i know, right now, i don't want to go back to colony only

Far-Wend: i don't know about my future with you but like, i know what i want isn't on colony only

Far-Wend: is that a good enough answer, my imperial majesty

23rd Daughter of Flowers: yes

23rd Daughter of Flowers: i am very glad you gave me something other than your revulsion to incest

23rd Daughter of Flowers: i am very happy you realized you could still work things out with side-ambush, and that you were able to find reasons within yourself to not return

Far-Wend: so

Far-Wend: who even are you how much of everything of you has been an act

Far-Wend: how much of all of this is an act

Far-Wend: i saw that chatlog with the captain from when you had my phone

Far-Wend: why does it seem like you're secretly in charge of the ship

Far-Wend: space princess who won the princess court, how manipulative are you really

23rd Daughter of Flowers: do you trust me

Far-Wend: i honestly don't know anymore

23rd Daughter of Flowers: are you capable of trusting me even if you don't trust me?

Far-Wend: i don't know if that made it through the translator well

23rd Daughter of Flowers: if i'm manipulating everything, do you trust i'm doing it for good reasons?

Far-Wend: i guess

23rd Daughter of Flowers: then will you trust me enough to go along with things a bit longer?

Far-Wend: to not look into things and keep my mouth shut?

23rd Daughter of Flowers: yes

Far-Wend: i guess

Far-Wend: yes

Far-Wend: i want to trust if you're leading me along or something you're at least taking me somewhere good

Far-Wend: i'll stay malleable for now

Far-Wend: i want to have your honesty at some point though

23rd Daughter of Flowers: you'll know what it means to be my handmaiden before it's time to make that choice i promise

23rd Daughter of Flowers: in other news, i think ankle grabber has half the pens on the ship again

Far-Wend: UGH

ideally hunting-doubles don’t have dominant/submissive partners it’s equal power you both trust in one another to pull exactly half of the weight it’s supposed to be a balance where you cover for one another’s flaws and operate as a single unit

i have no idea if i’d ever have time to see colony only again as 23rd’s handmaiden

you mean this post?

uh, yeah. uh. even if she’s a space princess she’s just supposed to be normal crew on this ship the captain should not be like

she shouldn’t be talking like that uh

i uh

Side-Ambush: Hi!

Far-Wend: Look.

Far-Wend: Are we talking just raising children together as sisters who are hunting-doubles, or like.

Far-Wend: What kind of doubleship do you imagine between us.

Side-Ambush: We were already hunting-doubles for so long, Wendy. Why do you need to ask that?

Far-Wend: Because you've been really, really jealous in ways sisters who used to be hunting-doubles shouldn't be.

Far-Wend: If I were a guy, would you still want me to come back and be your hunting-double?

Far-Wend: If I were a guy, would you want me to sex you and give you the hot eggs?

Side-Ambush: Far-Wend you're not a guy...

Far-Wend: It's a hypothetical here Sides c'mon.

Side-Ambush: What kind of a question is that really...

Side-Ambush: I can't just answer something like that...

Far-Wend: No, look. You can.

Far-Wend: The doubleship you want with me, is there like.

Far-Wend: Do you have like, any sexual desire for me.

Side-Ambush: Wendy...

Far-Wend: It'd be real easy to say no if the answer was no, Sides.

Side-Ambush: Some things aren't easy...

Far-Wend: Saying yes or no is really easy, Sides.

Far-Wend: It's just six letters, type them out. Yes or no?

Side-Ambush: If I say yes you aren't going to come back though, are you?

Far-Wend: We're not dealing with the herd behind us we're just tackling the straggler. C'mon.

Side-Ambush: yes

Far-Wend: jeez

Far-Wend: ok

Far-Wend: I need time to think.

Side-Ambush: ok...

Far-Wend: 23rd wants me to write like an essay about what I learned today or something insane like that

Far-Wend: I need to go think. I have things I have to do and I need to think.

Far-Wend: I'll talk to you later.