#this was triggering

thank you for that, it really meant a lot. but it is hard to do so when everything they said is stuck in my head all the time.

in trouble for falling asleep, in trouble for showing emotions, in trouble for wanting love, in trouble for being on my period, wearing the wrong clothes, wearing an ugly bra, self harm scars, symptoms. always in trouble for human things.

they got to me first, and i think that is why i am so fucked up. you say you aren’t like him and i know but he is in my brain.

apologize for not being turned on, apologize for crying during it, apologize for stopping before permitted, apologize for wearing the wrong bra, showing scars, bleeding, apologize for saying anything other than what he likes

beg forgiveness, cry and beg and plead, it’s what he wants, and you will always do what he wants. you will do what he wants when it hurts, you will do what he wants when it’s embarrassing, you will do what he wants when it’s humiliating and he calls you awful names, you will do it and cry silently because you know better than to upset him

and then you come along, and you’re not like that. you’re scary sometimes, sure, but not like him. you didn’t seem as interested and i took it personally. isn’t this supposed to be special aren’t you supposed to hurt me and force me and shame me?

i always slipped back into old habits with you. i never spoke up and i should have. you were in charge only a few times and i didnt want to disrupt that because i wanted to keep you happy. it is supposed to hurt. you are supposed to feel dirty and used. they didn’t do it because they wanted to make you feel good they did it because they wanted to hurt you. it is never going to be painless or special because you are a dirty and disgusting slut who had it all coming.