He was living on autopilot, wondering how long it would be until he crashed and burned, unable to sustain the course. This time, he sailed alone. He had no concrete idea where the crew were. Without Shepard, their guiding light, they’d scattered to the winds.

“I’m here, Shepard, still waiting for you to come back to me. To come home.” 

Taking a sip of the now warm beer, he toasted the one he longed for with every fiber of his being.Those same words were whispered on this balcony every morning and every night. A prayer of sorts.

Hackett had ordered Kaidan to take some time off, worried he was running himself to exhaustion. The idea wasn’t wrong. It was the only way Kaidan could function. There was no time to think, to wonder, to hope...to fall apart.

The first ice cold drops fell from the sky but Kaidan didn’t move inside. He simply didn’t care. Maybe the rain would wash away the pain that had settled deep inside and refused to leave. Maybe, he could cry and pretend it was just the rain streaming down his face.

The heavens opened up and the rain came in earnest. Still, Kaidan stayed where he was, letting the rain soak him to the bone, letting his tears mingle with the raindrops as he tipped his head up towards the sky. 

An anguished cry tore from his throat as he let his demons have rein over him.

A distant banging began, a pounding he felt in his heart. Maybe, finally, he was losing his mind or his body had had enough and this was the end. He’d welcome it. There was no life without Shepard in it.

The banging continued until he finally realized it wasn’t his heart, it wasn’t his body giving in. Someone was at the door.

Who could possibly be here? No one, other than his mother and Hackett, knew where he lived. He didn’t want to see his mother, not like this. Hackett had simply ordered him not to come back until the Alliance called for him.

Finally giving in to the relentless noise on the other side of the door, he walked towards it, not caring that he dripped water on the carpet, that his clothes were completely soaked through.

Pausing at the door, his hand on the knob, he hesitated. Did he really want to do this? The pounding began again. Whoever it was, they were persistent.

Wrenching the door open, he was ready to let fly with words he rarely used. As his eyes met those of the person who’d been hammering so tirelessly, every thought fled his mind. It simply wasn’t possible. All this time. How?

“No hug, no kiss? Not even a hello or a screw you? I’m disappointed. I expected more from you.”

A shaking hand reached out, touching the face of what could only be an apparition before him. What his fingers touched was warm, solid, real. Bright blue piercing eyes stared back, full of questions.

Kaidan had all the answers to those questions as he stepped forward, pressing his lips to the ones he’d felt in his dreams, wrapped his arms around the body he’d longed to wake up to, breathed in the scent he’d known for what seemed his whole life.