Sorry for the radio silence!
A... Lot has been going on. Idk if I've ever told this but I work two jobs at the moment, one as a restaurant manager and other within the navy, and it's grinding me to the ground. I have exactly 1 day off during the week and that's spent sleeping and crying, you'll know more as you read. If you don't, I get it. It's a bit of a downer post.
But working is fine! I like being a busybody, and I love working for both places. BUT.
My back/leg/hip/lumbar's given out. I don't know if it's the worst case of sciatica known to mankind or what, but it's been going on since last November and getting worse by the day. I'm 25 and looking at a future in early retirement (AT UNDER 30), it's that bad, and even worse for my psyche. Painkillers don't help (prescription/OTC, what have you), muscle relaxants don't work, physio doesn't work, one doctor even injected some cortisone for a whole separate issue and wow, surprise, that didn't work. I'm so close to going to the ER and asking for an amputation at this point.
Now, I know sharing this is kinda TMI, but I feel like you deserve a reason, the transparency why I haven't gotten around to posting lately. I've just been working (literally) through the pain, gone home, ugly cried from the agony, and passed out just to repeat the whole shebang.
And I can't not work. I'm so deep in debt, you know, in Finnish standards. I know 13k is nothing compared to some, but here it's a lot if I can't keep working.
I'm sorry for oversharing, but this is my reality right now, and I'm at my wit's end. I can't sleep, I can barely get out of bed. I can't tie my shoes. I can't pick up my niece, and I can't go out to spend time with my friends without almost overdosing on painkillers just to move. Sometimes only alcohol helps, and I don't want to do that because of the addiction running in my genes.
I want to scream and cry and leave this body for a better one, but I can't, and if this keeps going I won't be able to do anything and it scares the shit out of me.
I know the doctors are doing their best, but of course there's bias when I'm so young. We have to go through all the plausible treatments before surgery is even considered. Plus, I'm from a tiny town. Getting an appointment takes months, and then it's the same things all over again.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not giving you the updates you deserve. I still listen to music that inspires me, and I do write down ideas, but I can't bring myself to write more than a paragraph, once a week.
I'm sorry for not interacting or being as chipper as I usually am. It's just too much for me to handle all at once, I am but one creature.
But I'll try to keep up a positive outlook. Finland is a good country, with good healthcare, and I trust them to help me so I can keep paying taxes haha.
Sorry for a long, useless post, but you deserve to know. And maybe I needed to get it off my chest. My family is already tired of listening to me complain anyway.
Love y'all forever 💜
