#this is p

The point is, I should be writing about him. I never got the chance to tell you, but he’s going away. Like, really away. To United States. He’s going to live there now. Cause, in his words, he got nothing to make him live here. I said, “I wish I could make you stay” and he just told me I cant. Obviously, I am just a passing-time for him.

One of the things that is eating me alive is this. Another one is you.

It’s been now two years and two months since the first time I put my eyes on you. It took me two seconds to realize that you would ruin and tear down my entire world. That if I stay close to you enough time to let you in, you were going to be the boy I’d dry in bottles of wine.

I tried to be quiet about it. You became the first friend I’ve ever had in my life and as this was happening, I was deeply falling for you. I remember the first time I felt your lips. It wasnt at Virada Cultural. It was at Starbucks in a rainy day. After that, I couldnt even imagine what was to come.

You fell for her. I was with his best friend. 

As he kissed my mouth, all I could think is why all your draws was about that red hair and not... Me?

You started to love your fourth girlfriend. I met your school friend.

For you, it was only sex. Not with “I”, but with me. It was pure sex tension. For me, I could stay all day with E and when I saw your face, I’d still remember why I liked you that much. When you held me for the first time, it was not sex. It was me with the guy I liked so much more I could admit. 

Remember the day I was crying in your couch because F? I was actually dying to know why you were with her, not me.

Time went by and when that October came and we lost our virginity to other people, I can say I was a pretty upset. I wanted it to be with you, like we said a multiple times, cause you were the only person in the world who could ever make me feel safe.

Oh, I miss those times.

You were the first lips I kissed in 2015. You were with that 15-year-old-crazy-attwhore-girl. It took me some time to be okay with you holding hands with her. 

But, sit here: remember Carnaval in that year? At that party, all I wanted was to end up the night in a room with you, not with some random guy. But you made a face when you saw me with another person and I was just scared as shit.

It never actually made sense to me the way you acted when I was with a date. People started to saying to me that you always were jealoussy about it. I could not ever think of it because I could not grow hope that you would ever one day like me more than just your friend.

It took me a short time to forget E. To get him out of my mind. Because, I was spending more time with you and that made you to be the guy who I tweeted songs about. I wasnt even thinking about you and then, out of nowhere, I was declaring my feelings for you for entire world to see it.

That was when the question started. “How do you feel about him?” “You guys are like together?” “You are more than just friends, right?”

As I was starting to think I might be loving you, I stopped with the lies. Told everyone that, yes, I was in love with you and no, you didnt knew and never would. They could actually felt really sorry for me. 

I am so sorry for what is about to come. I know you are not ready and would never be. But, you need to read it.

You have a strong personality. It might have something to do with your sign, or its just the way you are. You can manipulate people without even notice. No one ever told you that. I think that is because you never did anything serious with them. But to me you did.

Put the facts together: you were my best friend, I was in love with you. You had me in your hands in a blink of an eye. Without even notice, you started to manipulate me. 

My acts, my thoughts and mostly our fights. You made me feel like it was my fault. Everything. You could not ever be wrong. And, I admit, a few percent of all those times we had a argument was because I was wanting you so much to be mine to act like you were just my friend. 

Then, we had sex.

It was at your place, in a tuesday evening. I came back home thinking I could NOT actually love you, but Somewhere in Neverland was on repeat on that two-hours-ride to my bed. I dreamed about you all week long. I knew the sex made the feelings grow and then I told someone: I really loved you so.

You started gaslightning me. Our relationship was the way you wanted to be, and you would not make a effort to take care of me the right way. You did so much for me but it was never enough. Never.

I know how you get when you are drunk, so I must say I am a hundred per cent sure you dont remember all the times you trated me like we had something more going on. But I do. I remember you saying I was your type of girl and that all you wanted to be is with me that moment. 

I remember you telling me you could not ever love someone how you loved me and looking into my eyes and kissing me, telling that you were going to protect me. 

I remember you saying we were getting merry some day cause it was just the right thing.

You can notice all the things going on here? On a side, you were having sex with me and all the girls in the city and making me feel miserable. On the other hand, you were making me fall in love even more. That was all my 2015. 

People tell you are not that good as a person cause of this. N doesnt like you cause of this. Everyone who has anything bad to say about you its because they knew the way our relationship was. You can - I know you will - hate me cause of it, think I was making you to be the vilain, but it was not like it. 

Everyone saw the way you treated me like, for years.

Things werent together to started falling apart, but, in some kind of way, they did. Tell me, how could you love a girl in two weeks but not fall in love with me in two years?

Thank you God, cause He put D in my life. I was desperate, I was weak and then I just kissed him. I remember spending our first night together thinking of you. But, you were at home talkin to H. 

She was just so incredible for you that when we had sex on December, 25th I felt like shit. You werent with the one who you wanted, but why were you in my bed?

At New Year’s party, I spent all night thinking how much I wanted your lips to be my first one at midnight. But you were locked in my bathroom on phone with her.

I fell in love with him and with the things he made, with the scars he shared and with the hands he held me. I was away from you. I was ok. I could actually say to people I got over you.

But, one thing that everyone ever said to me is that you were my Ted. I could fall in love with someone, but at some point, we’d got back to each other.

I spent eight months sleeping with you. But you made me feel like I was hard to love. I was not just one whore you picked up at the street, so, why couldnt you sleep in the same bed as me when I was afraid of the dark?

You were supposed to do this. You were supposed to dont say things to people and to me that would make everyone believe in some feeling you might had for me. You were supposed to believe in my words, not to gaslight me again and tell me I am wrong of the love I feel inside for you.

You may me insecure and you might be afraid that things would change if I was in love with you. But, the matter of fact is that I always was in love with you and we were always the same.

Tell me I dont love you and I wont tell you how my heart race everything you’re coming to my place.

Tell me I dont love you and I wont share the rumours that we should be together.

Tell me I dont love you and that you dont feel a single thing for me and I wont tell you the look on your face when I slept with him.