#this fella

Idr have Kit Connor on my phone, but I guess he's my banner now. Thanks catman

It doesn't hurt as it did when it was fresh. I just feel sad sometimes. I wonder what he's doing, how his week as been. I wonder if he thinks about me every day. I wonder if he wonders what I'm doing. I miss knowing I could see him some day soon. I miss speaking to him regularly. Every now and again I'm just disappointed all over again. I have to sigh deeply and let go. But I was so in love with the idea that he was for me. I was so set on him. I miss him making me laugh and making me smile and holding my hand. I never got to eat lasagne with his mum and pretend it was as good as my mum's lasagne. I never got to meet his friends. I never got to make an impression. I just get to tidy away all those future plans that made me so damn hopeful. I wish getting over him was easy, but that would only be the case if I wasn't 12 feet deep with shoes made of concrete.

Not sure what to think about this development. He says he's into me but does he act like it? I'm not interested in empty promises. I am interested in reality. I don't want to be someone's somebody. I wana be their person. This shit is getting real old.

I worry that I'm allowing myself to be treated like shit for the glimpses of nice that cannot be mine. I take the smallest morsels of kindness and savor them for weeks. I am pathetic about this stuff. I should not be overpowered by such ambivalence. I wish I wasn't crying on a Tuesday night about a boy who doesn't call when he says he will, after days of ignoring me. It makes me super sad. I hope this isn't Jonah all over again. Reckless devotion, unquestioning loyalty, romanticising pain.