#third autumn

this morning i turned on the space heater under my desk so boba could have the window open for birdwatching

last night we watched cronos. i remembered it being jodorowsky weird but it was barely dark city weird

i made eggs and toast for breakfast. for just a moment, while i ate, i felt like i was in the old house, my kids still little, upstairs, asleep in their beds

i went for a drive and found myself at the old arbor again. i think i'm going to take a nap on this pew before i try to figure out what's next

i tried to make an agematsu zip from a cigarette box found by the creek where turtles congregate. it made my fingers anxious, smelling of tobacco, but i felt how interesting the composition space could be. all the turtles are brumating now except maybe the one insomniac in the newtown pond. the effort of the altered foraging focus distorted my usual apophenic field. still i found three discarded beads for a witch's ladder. the turtles will already be tucking themselves in again before that is ready

last night i dreamt i had arms made of frozen fish, like tsukiji bluefin, and i battered them bloody trying, without success, to dig the precious objects out of a milky wall of ice

i dreamt someone i used to know drove my car through the open double doors of her failing shopfront, crushing the racks and cases against the walls, locking the doors behind her

i dreamt about a book i never owned

i dreamt about food that never arrived

big breakfast in a couple of hours. finn, fall, and i and our others get together the first sunday of every month for breakfast. except two out of the three of us don't have others right now but that's ok . i call it big breakfast because i rarely eat breakfast at all much less the grand slam all-star full fulton breakfast

yesterday was the first day in a long while i really felt ready to look for an other again. i've gone through the motions over the last few months but i wasn't really interested. it felt like putting on a wet, sandy bathing suit. it can be worth it, but mostly it hasn't been. we'll see if that feeling lasts

i saw someone is trying to read the baron and the trees again after not finishing it twice. i hope they make it this time. it's a lovely book

i had nice dreams during this morning's bonus sleep. i found an old treehouse with a box of childhood treasures, and i went on a sunny car ride with a girl

i want to start climbing on big rocks and odd walls and fences around old buildings again but my everyparts are tight and creaky, so i will have to go slowly

i don't think i want to fall in love again though

i found an old copy of secret history in a free box this week. i'm going to give it to one of the kids today. now is the perfect time of year to read it

i drank pilfered coffee with finn on her break then went to an estate sale at a big house up a steep hill, looking for furniture on my pick list, but i didn't find anything. i was meant to go to a couple more, but i wound up at the holbrook arbor for a quiet hour instead. it was still tended like they were holding services there, even though the camp meeting was over three months ago

i went over to fallie's to take care of the tuxies. i brought stuff to fix my dinner, took a nap on the couch with holler, then cooked and ate while two-fry and i kept company in the kitchen

you can hear the pack of crows that live on this street. they know i put old cat food out on the flagstone for them, and i am erratic enough that they come check frequently. i've started to whistle a couple of bars of the chorus to i'll fly away when i head out the feeding door, and it seems like they're starting to talk back