#thinkingofendingthings

I’m thinking of ending some things.

Not like that though. More like a necessary separation. 

I seem to deal with things differently than others. Especially when it comes to death and loss. I have been unbelievably blessed in what I’ve been able to keep. I’m grateful. But death has knocked on my door more times than anyone should have to endure. Yet here I am, on the cusp of thriving in a such a dead time. 

When loss occurs the initial response is supposed to be one of sadness, fear, anxiety, then a gradual acceptance and understanding. Then a slew of other steps to process and move on. Others argue you don't ever move on from death. The debate won't be made or answered here. Simply an adjustment of focused. What if that's not your narrative? 

What if death doesn't sway you anymore because you started attending funerals yearly. You kept black dresses ready because you know you need them. That thought processes encompasses a different outlook on death.

In life we give our hearts and efforts for those we love. We are supposed to “love thy neighbor as thyself”. This rule assumes we first love ourselves in a healthy way, understanding how we love ourselves will inevitably be how give love to others. A person whose heart has been offered, rejected. Later offered, taken then left. Again, it was given only to be petted like a domestic pet. It took a hiatus and only pursued giving love non committal; hurting others. This kind of heart learns how to grow from pain a little differently than others now. This heart sees love and loss of love in positive way. This heart chooses to do the one thing it can do, love. 

This mind grew with the knowledge that death and loss will occur. The longer you allow it to negatively consume you the longer it will. You have to willingly choose to let the pain go, and abide by that decision. Take what lesson learned you can and move on. IT’s so easy to just allow yourself to be happy, or to feel joy. Fill your own cup. 

I ended my affair with the pain. I simply made a choice that the ending of things won't cause the pain it used to. I have the strength built from all of the losses and the death. 

Currently going through a transition. It’s taking time to get structured and fully flowing, but during this uncertain time I’m in my war room. So I’m steady. This transition has costs somethings and isn't done costing me things. Sacrifice is paid to receive what we need and want. Life will cost you. But how you move after that loss, the way you move, what your moves are. You choose who you are after every death in your life.

I lost some fiends, at the time my world felt like it ended. My dorm-mates can attest to the sound of my soul breaking. Little did I know I had to lose those so I could gain the ones I have now. There were some losses in that group too, all lessons learned and relationships cherished. I learned so much about who I am and how I wanna move through life from the connections and losses. Even the deaths challenged me to become things I didn't used to think possible.