#thinkingmode

In 2013, I gave my second eldest child away to, as it was known then, CYFS. 

He had an altercation with one of my brothers sons. My Son held weapons in both hands, and he was willing to do something unspeakable to his cousin. I got the police involved, and I had him sent to CYFS (Child Youth & Family). I actually wanted him placed in a juvenile corrections centre, to take responsibility for his actions, but because of his age, he couldn’t be placed there.

So he went to CYFS, which is - by the way - now known as Oranga Tamariki.

Now, that was 5 years ago...My Son is now 19 years old. He doesn’t live with me, but over the years he has come home to live.

My Son and I have talked about the incident that happened, not recently - but not long after he returned home. He told me he knows what he done was wrong, silly and that he should’ve just went to bed that night, as he was over-tired. Him and my brother’s Son have moved on, over that past time in their lives, and I am ever so grateful to my nephew.

I have tried to move on past this incident. I thought I did...Yesterday I said something to my oldest daughter that turned my world upside down again. Now, I know I’m not perfect, and I know I’m not the best mother - I don’t try to be and I don’t pretend to be. I had my reasons for sending my Son to CYFS. He was too violent, I was tired of all the fighting.. If my Son wasn’t trying to hurt me, like really hurt me, he was fighting with my eldest daughter, or hitting my other children, smashing up my Mum’s home. He always grabbed for weapons to hurt you. Sometimes it was like he wanted to kill me. He blamed me for their Dad’s passing. He wanted me to be gone, actually

But I moved on from all that, along with my Son..It took a while, but we got there. Now, I for one, do not like living in the past. I will talk about the past, but I won’t dwell in it. I am a great believer in “the past is the past - deal with it and leave it where it is, where it belongs - in the past”. There are certain people in my life that can’t let me do that. People love haunting me with my past, they love bringing it up and throwing it at me. And when that happens, the person yelling at me..is almost, always never right in front of me talking/arguing with/at me...they are almost, always standing in the street, yelling at me while I’m either inside our home, or I’m out in the driveway and they’re walking down the road, yelling and screaming at me about my past. 

Like, it’s cool - I get that they’re angry, and I get that they want everyone to know how useless and ratshit I am as a mother...I get it...I really do...I can’t undo my wrongs - but s.h.i.t - really... So yeah, my oldest daughter decided to yell my shit out to the world. Because there was people at our neighbors, listening of course..her mouth went louder and she gets into this mode where she thinks she has to be on top, she has to be the loudest, she has to be the strongest, and she has to be right!! Even when she’s done wrong - it’s not her fault. Or she’ll turn the situation around and go on about my past.

She goes around and she talks about other people, like she’s perfect. But she’s not.