#thinkingaboutdeath

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I have never been much of a writer, but today after having a more difficult month than normal I decided to give it a shot. I’m not really sure where this is going to go or if it will even make it into anyone else's life but all I really need is an outlet to get some of these dark and twisted thoughts and feelings out of my brain and into writing. Let’s just start with I have had better days. I wouldn’t say that my life is hard by any means but I feel like regardless of how weak you may think I am for feeling the way I feel I want to tell you anyways, and before you start to judge me and tell me that I need to get help you need to know that there are circumstances in my life that are keeping me from seeking out medical attention. That is why I am using this as a way to cope. Today I woke up and immediately started thinking about my death. Some would say I’m suicidal but I wasn’t thinking about how I intended on killing myself rather I was sort of hoping that it could happen in a coincidental way. Daydreaming about all the ways I could get out of this life with out actually doing it myself. Like maybe I would be driving to work and get in a horrible car accident. To be completely honest thinking about my own death is not a new habit that started because I had a bad month, it has really been an old friend that nudged its way into my life at about the age of 10. When I was younger I would talk to someone about these thoughts of death. I can’t tell you that I have never thought about suicide because that would be a lie. When I hit a particularly low point in my life I think about it a lot. I have it down to a science and if I ever did decide to take my own life odds are it would be ruled as an accident and not a suicide. To be completely honest though I am a coward and don’t think I could ever be pushed to the point of suicide, I love my family too much and it hurts me more to think about hurting them than ending all of the hurt that I feel in my life. You see the problem with me is I am a fixer. I like to fix other peoples lives and neglect my own. I get this twisted sort of happiness for lack of a better word from making other peoples lives enjoyable and leaving my life merely adequate. I know that I have depression, I am not looking for a diagnosis rather a way to get all of this out of my head. The scary thing is most people who know me have no idea. My life is very picturesque from the outside looking in and only if you are close to me do you know about all of the secrets that are hidden away when I am alone.