#thingsdoofwouldprobablysay

Everything in this room is edible, even-even I am edible, technically, but…but that’s kinda frowned upon, kids, that’s called-that is what we call CANNIBALISM. Which is very much frowned upon in most societies…though…though I guess, I suppose under that context it would be acceptable under certain conditions. That being said, I personally wouldn’t advise it, I…I’m a little chewy.

“It’s funny, I remember every moment of my early years with disturbing clarity, but if you asked me what I said five minutes ago I wouldn’t be able to say. Was I ranting about an inator? Talking about cheese? Both? I’ll never know, and you won’t either.”

“Fickle is another one of those words I can’t take seriously, no matter how hard I try. Every time I hear it I can’t help but think of a pickle dipped in fudge, which is disappointing because I use it a lot.”

“You see, Perry the Platypus, when I was a child back in Gimmelshtump I accidentally set my mother’s rose garden on fire. Don’t ask how, I have no idea either. I didn’t even know roses were flammable, not that I was even doing anything that involved fire at all. I was playing with a Doonkle Truck! Seriously, Perry the Platypus, how is driving a toy truck on mud going to cause a fire? Bah, no matter, from that day forward I swore revenge on Schimmelman toys for their faulty products! BEHOLD the anticombustioninator! Once I power this inator, none of their toys will ever combust again!”

“I’ve come to make an announcement. Perry the Platypus is a no-good beaver-duck-bird. He broke all my good inators. That’s right, he took his male-platypus ankle barbs out and he broke all my inators, and all he could say was ‘digga-digga-digga-dig’. And I think that’s insulting, so I’m making a callout post on my tumblr dot com: Perry the Platypus, you have a stupid hat, it’s as dumb as your boss’ monobrow but it’s way dumber. And guess what? Here’s what my de-platypus-inator looks like! BEHOOOOOOOLD! That’s right, baby! All machine, no self-destruct, no buttons at all. Look at that, it looks like two lasers and a magnifying glass! He broke my inators, so guess what? I’m going to break the Tri-State Area! That’s right, this is what you get, my SUPER DE-PLATYPUSI-NATOR! Except I’m not going to break the Tri-State Area, I’m going to aim higher! I’m going to break your reality! How do you like that, Monogram? I erased your organization from the timeline, you fool! You have twenty-three hours before the quantum fragments spread across the Earth and erase everything you’ve ever worked for, now prepare for the reign of Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz!”

“Normally I’d suspend you over a vat of boiling acid for this, Perry the Platypus, but my insurance refuses to cover another lawsuit from the OWCA. And I already spent all my alimony on the Defenestratorinator, so there’s no way I’m paying for that. So here, I’ll put this little cup of vanilla pudding that came with my lunch this morning under you, and we can just pretend it’s deadly, alright?”

“And for my ultimate Christmas-themed scheme, I once planned to construct a massive dome over the Tri-State Area that would serve as an isolated meteorological biosphere in a constant state of snow and nighttime, ensuring that Christmas eve would last forever! Imagine the people’s constant anticipation of waking up the next morning and opening theirpresents, only for the realization that Christmas morning would never arrive to slowly seep in! My plan in simple terms? In an eggshell, cease day, oh! It would have been hilarious, Perry the Platypus!”