“There’s a moment you know / you’re fucked.” - Spring Awakening
Ah, The Vanishing Act, a common maneuver in the playbook of non-committers. We've identified this alarming spectacle as a classic tenet of dating in the digital age. One party will heatedly pursue the other for an extended period of time (6 to 8 weeks), only to suddenly vanish into the abyss. Poof! In a cloud of fairy dust, that special someone who you had so eagerly hoped would turn into a special something is gone. No goodbye, no explanation. All is fair in love and war, right?
“We live in Los Angeles and it’s a concrete jungle.”- Male, 25
Katie really liked David. He was respectful. He invited her to dinner with his friends, opened car doors for her, took her to yoga, and kissed her goodnight at the door. He said all the right things: You’re exactly the kind of girl my parents would love. You’re too smart for me. How are you still single? Cheesy, yes, but she started to see potential in him. Could it be? Could the hand that held hers in the Urth Caffe brunch line be pulling her out of the gray zone?
God, we wish. Sorry girl.
Two months in, David flaked on plans. Katie tried to reschedule, and never heard from him again.
“It's like a bad... cycle. But like we want to get with a girl, and then we finally get her, and then she really wants to hang with us and than that's, like, a turnoff. Like the chase is more fun. Then it's like not as fun anymore. There could be a girl that I’m really totally into and then she starts to like me I don't even want to see her. Like, I’ll hate her.” - Male, 25
“I start thinking about possible scenarios and getting stuck and I freak myself out. Like missing opportunities with other girls or hurting other girls' feelings.” - Male, 24
The worst part of The Vanishing Act is that you get no warning. Zero. In the gray zone, we constantly look for clues to ascertain where we are headed. She didn’t text me back but she sent me a Snapchat. He likes all my Instagram posts. Her friends added me on Facebook! He said this, she did that. We follow the breadcrumb trail, sometimes right off a cliff into a horrifying freefall.
“I don't like a boy who's interested. That whole thing with Sam* this year, it was too intense. He liked me so much and I didn't understand why. He needed to take like 7 steps back, he was scaring the shit out of me." - Female, 22
Most people at one point or another of their interviews expressed the following sentiments:
People need to be more honest.
People flip out when they hear the truth, making honesty scary.
We want to have our cake and eat it too. We want to swim without getting wet. Point being, we’re hypocrites. We believe in the truth, but then are too scared to follow through and deliver it when we can.
“I had sex with her and it was fine, it was great. Then after that, I felt like accomplished my mission, and I stopped talking to her. She wanted to be my girlfriend and I didn't. So I told her, and she hated me.” - Male, 25
It’s hard to tell someone that you don’t like them. Those who defend The Vanishing Act point out that it gets the message across loud and clear without any confrontation. It’s effective. But we cannot ignore the fact that it’s cruel, leaving the victim to torture themselves in an endless loop of speculation. What happened? Did he/she meet someone else? Why couldn’t he/she tell me? The lack of closure cripples the moving on process, hurting the person far more than the pain of a cold explanation. So start explaining. Make shit up if you have to! Just have the grace to end things.
“I'd rather someone say ‘I'm gonna have sex with another person’ than string me along thinking it's all good...it makes you look like a fool. I'm not trying to hold anyone hostage. If things aren't working I want to know that, because eventually they'll end.” - Female, 23
At the end of the day, most of the relationships we dive into won't work out. It’s pure math, really, and as Ted Mosby says -- you can’t win the lottery every time**. When things go south, you have the following options:
Option A: Honestly explain to the other party that you simply aren't feeling the feels.
Option B: Use a bullshit line. Acceptable bullshit lines include: “I’m too busy with work,” “I’m not looking for anything right now,” “I like someone else,” “It’s not you, it’s me,” “I’m at a weird place in my life,” etc. etc. etc.
Please, for the sanity of everyone involved, PICK OPTION A. Option B, even, if you’re not quite feeling up to Option A, because at least you’ll be providing your Significant Almost with closure so that he or she can move on. Yes, it’s more difficult. But you will spare him/her a trip to Mount Wonder Why in Crazytown. And most importantly, you will spare his/her friends the burdensome and irritating task of dissecting every clue leading up to your disappearance.
Really, do it for those poor bastards. No one enjoys talking about the-time-he-spooned-me-all-night for the fortieth time.
Think of all the ears you can save.
**How I Met Your Mother, Season 1, Episode 4: “Return of the Shirt” http://how-i-met-your-mother.wikia.com/wiki/Return_of_the_Shirt
