#thethoughtbehindthethought

Looking at my new liquid blush from NYX I was suddenly but briefly overcome with a longing to put on a full face of make up. I miss my morning routine. And then my inner Church Lady woke up and said "TSK TSK, how shallow you are, wanting make up when your husband is struggling to get better, what kind of person are you?". OUCH.

But wait a minute Church Lady. That's a good question, what kind of person am I to think such a thing at such a time?

8 days ago my husband tested positive for Covid-19. It's been a roller-coaster ride ever since. The first thing we did when we got home was get him set up in his new home, the bedroom, and me in mine, the living room. We had been through this before when I had it. I filled the spritzer bottles with a 70/30 mixture of 99% alcohol and water for us to use on all surfaces we, especially him, touch. I pulled clothes and bed fixings for myself out and into the other part of our 2 bedroom apt. (Our extra bedroom is occupied by my son who moved back home at the beginning of the outbreak last year). And we waited.

We didn't have to wait long. Average flu symptoms turned within a day or two into low oxygen levels, lack of taste and smell, dehydration, rapid pulse etc etc. Life had begun to revolve around Covid. What is it doing, is it serious, what can we do about it? Monitoring, meals, medicine. Monitoring, meals, medicine. Oh and cleaning. Cleaning and sanitizing. Work, errands as necessary and back to monitoring, meals and medicine, all while constantly staving off fear and doom and worst case scenarios from strangling me alive. The last trip to the ER finally seemed to help. I'm cautiously optimistic. And that's the woman who suddenly saw her make up this morning and thought "I miss that".

Yesterday, my husband joked around for the first time in a week. Him asking "What's for dinner?" was a victory. The medicine from that ER visit seems to be giving him an advantage, at long last. God knows we've thrown everything we have at home at this virus; vitamins, herbs, homemade teas, medicine, hourly breathing and physical regimens and of course lots and lots of talking to our Higher Power. Covid just gave us the middle finger and said "I DO WHAT I WANT!!". To finally gain even an inch of ground is a huge victory. We both feel like we can breathe just a little. For my husband, that's literal.

I'm reminded there is almost always a thought behind the thought when my inner shitty committee drops one of their thought bombs. "What kind of person thinks that at a time like this?" indeed. All right Church Lady in my brain. Here's your answer.

I wasn't really missing make up, I was missing fighting with my husband for counter space in the mornings now that we share a bathroom again. I was missing dinners together, hugs and evening Netflix and chill time. I was missing things I didn't even know I took for granted a mere 9 days ago.

That's the woman who stood there at her bathroom counter thinking "I miss my make up" with her sick (but getting better) husband in the other room just waking up. A woman, with hope prying open the window just a wee bit and making room for a thought that wasn't Covid related, allowing herself the slight luxury of wanting normalcy again now that it seems within reach, now that it looks like her loved one is most likely headed for the finish line with this horrible asshole virus. The makeup was just symbolic.

Last night, my hubby called me into the bedroom because he needed to tell me something. With tears in his eyes he said he doesn't know what he would've done without me. That I am amazing and that he's sorry he didn't listen about vaccination before when I tried to get him to consider the possibility that he could actually get sick like other people, regardless of his inner conviction that he was somehow immune to it. That he loves me very much and doesn't tell me enough.

THAT'S the voice that matters. Not the inner Church Lady that perks up when she thinks she can nail me on some moral failing and definitely not the voices of anyone in our lives who judged, criticized or sneered at us from the cheap seats during this time, because there were some that did.

Nope, the voice that matters is his and mine to him, letting him know I too came to a deeper understanding of all he means to me this last week as well. The other voices that matter are our friends and family who pulled with us to get to the other side. Who showered us with love, encouragement, wisdom, useful information and support. And that Inner Voice that doesn't come from my twisted brain but from Something Deeper. The One that Guides and has our best at heart. That loves us in all our humanness.

I am cautiously hopeful today. I know, from watching this virus work, we can't turn our back on it. We can't let up yet. But we both feel we are gaining an advantage at long last. We understand it could turn but right now, we are headed in the right direction. We can afford to laugh a little, joke a little, think a few frivolous thoughts. I may even put on a little lipstick today. Something hot, red, and sinful. Something a Church Lady could really appreciate.