#thescribes

Relax take a deep breath.

Count back from 3, 2, 1 and smile.

It will be over soon. But when your life only consist of 3’s and 2’s and 1’s, it seems to flash by so quickly. Every smile another memory of how you couldn’t keep it in.

An AA’s last drink until the next because somehow one just isn’t enough.

You pine for the next and before you realize it, you're picking yourself up from the ground and screaming “I’m not done yet!”.

Because if I count another 3, 2 I might not make it to 1.

The only thing holding you back from giving up is the fear that you might actually give up. That what you really want is the end and that scares you just a little too much to where you can’t stop counting.

3, 2, smile. For once, I’ll skip the 1.

That shaky relief tears at your morals and tells you to stop giving in. That the only thing keeping you here was that one piece of fear. Without it there is no me.

Strolling through areas and backgrounds that are filled with multiple enclosed dimensions. in every scenario a different scene is occurring yet only one at a time. Awaking every morning is more significant than you realized because the breath of life, sprawling your limbs in opposite directions and lastly yawning the life out of yourself causes an aspiration for the day to come.

For so long I’ve become dependent on my world of light. I used it to stand, to catch me when I fell, to stop my tears, make me smile, make me laugh, help me to just live. I was like a parasite draining the light from this world. Unaware of the damage I was doing I continued, after a heart to heart with my shining light we discovered to feel the same way. My eyes now open I saw all the pain I caused.

Remembering my pain, I felt guilty for casting that pain onto someone else. I stood up on my own and looked at the world of light, flaws and fails everywhere. Without a second thought I left the world of light. My Shining Light begged me to stay, but I refused. I looked at my world and entered it. I suddenly felt everything all over again, I fell to my knees. My strength left me, my peace gone, my hope crushed. Instantly, I regretted my decision, I turned to see my Shining Light putting up walls, blocking my entrance into his world. I used my last ounces of energy to fight back, to break down those walls. Every time I would put a crack in the wall, my shining light would fix and strengthen it.

A terrible feeling settled in my gut. I did this, not only did I tear away my own happiness, I hurt my Shining Light. I hurt him and he wanted nothing more to do with me. Any light I had disappeared, I went to the center of my world of dark. Every fear, mistake, disappointment, tear, scream, every ounce of pain in my live was relived. I wanted nothing more but to make it stop, I looked at the wall that separated me from the light filled world. I tried again asking for reentry, it didn’t work. I lost myself in my memories, my past, it all haunted me.

Suddenly none of that mattered, through it all there was one person that remained faithful to me. Myself.

I looked at the pitch black that surrounded me, I would not stand for this. I discovered that I had become too dependent on my Shining Light, I was selfish in wishing for my own pain to end, I never noticed I caused pain in the process. I would have no more of that, so I looked for my own strength.

With everything in me, I stood up, on my own. I straightened myself out and continued to stand. The darkness surrounding me attempted to push me down, but no longer would I let misfortunes lead me.

I didn’t need someone to be my shining light I could be my own.

Of course, I would always be grateful. If that light hadn’t been in my life. I would have given into my pain. I wouldn’t be where I am, my gratitude belongs to my Shining Light. What was done for me is most certainly meant to be passed on. With these racing thoughts I pulled out my inner Light. I was no longer only lit on the outside, but on the inside as it was just me now. My world of dark lit up higher than ever before. My world of dark would always have its flaws, but I was strong enough to overcome any pain. This is the lesson my shining light taught me.

Every word a another prayer to a silent god,

A whisper the bible that was never open,

Your only savior a piece of paper burned at the stake,

With all your dreams engulfed in flames and hop turned to ashes,

I believed that a paper and pen could shed light on the truth,

But all I could find was the shadow of the devil every doubt flooded with desire to give in,

Truth, faulty, and desperation the human design,

For every inch of your body aches from resistance,

The only way to make it stop is to give in,

To the perfectly positioned poison pressing against your lips,

Rain dripping against your steaming face desperation in your eyes pulling me in,

Pausing toying and playing with my envy of release

But I stand for my answer for giving my devotion to the pen stroking the paper

Facing your beast of temptation trying to stop me,

Pausing for a prayer a word of wisdom striking their face freedom fly’s off your lips,

Playing with strands of your hair projecting your future

Heart rushing, hand trembling, I reached out to open the door.  When my hand touched the hard knob a chill went through my spine.  I was about to swing the door open but then it hit me!  I didn’t know what was behind the door.  I also didn’t know where I was, where the door led to, why I needed to go through the door, or why it looked so familiar.  

The possibilities for what was awaiting me were endless.  It could be a monster, a friend, an enemy, someone from my past, my parents, a serial killer for all I know.  Suddenly, I backed away from the door, too scared to open it.

I then realized that this was just a dream.  I felt calm, even relaxed at first.  Then, the fear crept in.  If this was a dream, then why is this door here, or what would I have put behind the door?

I started thinking about my fears, my encounters, my grades, my mistakes, my insecurities, my flaws, etc.  It seemed that the space around me began spinning and my stomach seemed to bottom out.  

The terror slithered over me filling me with anxiety.  Was this door here to show me what’s holding me back?  Was this door a representation of me not realizing what things I can achieve?  Is this door here to hold me back?  Can I even open this door?

I had had enough.  I swallowed my fear and pushed back all my stress-inducing thoughts.  I marched up to the door with an unpredicted amount of confidence in myself.  I grabbed a hold the door knob and yanked the door back so hard I thought it might’ve broken off its hinges.

My heart dropped.  My eyes stung.  My breath ceased.  What was before me was my worst nightmare, something that didn't even cross my mind.  It was a fear I didn't even realize I had.  It was an insecurity I had looked over.

Sometimes I think you have to leave the light or the path or whatever euphemism that expresses good, to find your way. Sometimes spending time in a dark place is just what you need. For some people it makes them realize that this place is not for them, that they don't want to be there, that there is something better out there for them. On the other hand there are some people that have walked or lived in the light for however long or however short and they lose their way. They lose their way and wind up falling into a darkness. A darkness that can either keep them forever, for a short amount of time, or for a long amount of time. Either way, how long the person spends in the darkness is up to them. If they spend forever there, it may be because they didn't realize that they had lost their light, or it may be because they don't know how to get back to their light filled path. But these people who don't spend forever in darkness and manages to escape back into or for the first time ever into the light, the darkness was just a revelation or realization that they need to change or change something in their lives.

Not being able to see in front of me while wandering through an old abandoned warehouse my friends dared me into going n is not the safest thing I've ever done. It's so dark in here that I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face. I tried searching for a light switch when I first walked in, feeling along the walls, but after the fifth time I stumbled and fell to my knees I decided to just sit against the wall and not think about how stupid  was to agree to this. I try to take deep breaths to avoid an anxiety attack but not being able to see anything is not the ideal situation to be in to avoid anxiety attacks, especially when I was stuck here until morning when I could find my way out of this place.

Resigning myself to spending the night I took off my jacket and laid down. Being in complete darkness like this, not being able to see anything, started to make me wonder about how it would be to spend the rest of your life like this. Blind essentially. Everything staying dark 24/7, never being able to see the sunlight or see colors again. You'd definitely have a different perspective on life and people. Not being able to see things means you that you may have to rely on people a little bit more than normally and in this day in age I'm not sure that's a good thing. People today are unpredictable; whereas one person may stop ti help someone in need another would just keep on walking.