#theresonlythis

There’s a hole in my skull Put it there myself Unnecessary anxieties over all this bull Sometimes wish I was deaf To it all But instead, born almost blind But it’s never held me behind But what has instead, is my mind Even though evidence points to my eyes Because I can’t even read roadsigns But I also can’t even read the map right in front of me In front of my face So blame me, call me stupid, say I have a one track mind I’m just going at my own pace Don’t you know it’s not a race Things are healthier this way

This song is ugly, this song is too country These words are full of lies, lies and lies But I’d rather live my life behind these lidded eyes Where we know each other, where we know each other Where I have a twin brother, where my older one is a pro surfer Brace yourselves, this wave is gonna be surger

I’m just trying to close the gap between myself and reality But that’s so hard to do when the ones who matter the most never believe in me If I had guts, I’d run away But you’ve trained me well, so I accept being forced to stay Put my foot in my mouth, I like it this way Please don’t worry I’ll always be, I’ll always be your baby Because I’m a big baby And it’s you holding a pillow over my face that makes me so lazy I just need to be set free The real world keeps calling I’ve been dreaming of getting struck by lightning

Don’t know what I’m doing, I just know I gotta say something Let you know who I am Even if it’s all a lie But writing it down, helps me figure out why And knowing why helps make sure I don’t drown But I’ve been choking for twenty years, with this throat full of water

Always thought I was a multidimensional traveler My skin constantly ravaged by the pull of every wormhole But then I met you, and no, I’m not settled But you became my spaceship, my mobile home And finally, I could stop feeling like my meat was being pulled from my bones For a while that was good But now you throw in my face the fall of Rome An experience I never wanted to have to call home Even though it had been planned for so long

They tell me “just get it over with, don’t think about the future” But how can I not think of the future, when I’m not where I wanna be, not who I want to be Yet If you’re gonna tell me “just get it over with, don’t think about the future” Then stop asking me about the fucking future I’m a multidimensional traveler, I’ve already been there I’ve met person after person, who were versions of me at different points in time The future doesn’t exist There’s only this Stop asking so many questions Yes, I know about the consequences, the consequences

I looked for you once, a long long time ago Fourteen to fifteen, the worst place anyone could go You were the most solid ghost I never held hands with But for so long I thought I was in love, I was convinced But now I’m not so sure, welcome to adulthood Clarity, I’m a completely different person Fourteen to fifteen, that wasn’t even me

I wonder all the time If anyone I’ve ever known still looks for me But I only knew them a long long time ago Private grade school, full of rich white 10 year olds The worst place anyone could go Soon I’d fall into my first love The best place anyone could ever choose to give up You were the most solid ghost I never gave up on I’m so glad you chose to give up first But in the moment I was sad and angry, and it made me burst

Now I plan my life around all the gifts Your ghost gave me, the most solid ghost I’ve never held hands with And there’s no one I can talk to about this No one to ask, of your ghost, do I miss No

I’m so glad I’ve stopped looking for you The search was proven pointless A long long time ago Although, at first the clues were countless It only meant that fourteen to fifteen was the worst place I could be And you were the most solid ghost I could never guarantee Because for so long I thought I was in love But I realize now, that was just childhood I’m sure, welcome to adulthood, with clarity I’m a completely different person, than I ever used to be Fourteen to fifteen, I think I always knew That wasn’t me

I forgot I looked up to you once Forgot you had this many tattoos Forgot you used to pull all these stunts Forgot you were an addict, well I’m an addict too It looks like it may cause me less conflict But it does me in too For me it’s just mental, that shits internal My hands lie to my brain, tell it their collab’s confidential While both forget about my soul, because it’s become infernal I always wanted to be immortal, but I never think about the eternal That shit ain’t normal

Well, who am I Who are you I don’t remember who you are I forgot who you are I forgot all the self I found in you Forgot you had this many tattoos Forgot you made everything out of nothing Forgot you learned how to make art out of being abused Forgot you made your own success out of being used Forgot you were an addict, well I’m an addict too For you it’s played in sound, over everything you do For me it’s written down in this machine, the very thing I’m addicted to At least there was some saving you Wish I had that option too I don’t know what to do I can no longer look up to you You’re situation’s become too removed Maybe if my situation was something disapproved I could get better, but I’d rather just be unloved

You never see my face I’m too fucking busy, getting off my face I’m too fucking jittery, when was the last time I ate And then I remember, “oh yeah, I can relate” But I don’t remember who you are You’re just some guy who plays guitar But it’s people like you who make me believe so faithfully That I can go from just some guy, to a superstar Then every morning I wake up in reality, accidentally

I would push you up against every wall, if I was taller But it’s not something I’ve ever felt the need to offer You’ve always been this thin line This thin red thread Showing up every time Appearing in every world in my head And before we met, I was blind But since we’ve met, I see in infrared

I find my soul online Is that where we met, no I met you in the real world In my head, in my head, as imagination unfurls Unwind, no thanks Like a sleeping cat, I remain curled And I expected all your tanks War is inevitable, or so we think Doesn’t matter if I’m charitable, or so I’d like to think And that wasn’t ever the purpose anyway This is just who I am these days I get in my own way I should pay attention, but I really don’t give a damn And I never have It causes too much tension We predicted every attack, that never happened

You never happened Where are all the bad ones, we predicted We predicted We were so prepared for it We were so prepared to not make it through this Lest we forget You’re a fighter, I’m a fighter You’re a winner, I’m a winner

Not a singer So I just watch you stretch yourself even thinner Too far away to tell you it hurts Just like this, yeah, I’m delusional in spurts All I can do is watch concerts Too quiet to tell you how bad it hurts

Trying to change that Trying to embrace all my ambitions But I’ve told myself too many times “Adhere to your inhibitions” So I go to therapy, but she tells me “Why don’t you follow through on your premonitions” But what if, what if, what if, what if, what if “What if” I scream into the void Smash my face, just wanna get away Know somewhere out there there’s more room to be overjoyed I’m just trying to find my place And I don’t think, I don’t think it’s right here right now So what am I supposed to do after I’ve figured that out somehow

I’m finally feeling a little bit back at my old self But I feel a little bit like I’ve drowned How do I keep myself at where I was now “Loose Yourself” plays softly in the background And I’m reminded of past rivals Or so we all liked to pretend I was just trying to be myself Was I more myself back then Than I am now Do they know that I remember them Am I here to condemn My past? No My imagination

Once wrote “hot damn me and you” Well, here’s my hot damnation Right on cue My brain always playing this stupid game of association Do all the people who don’t even know who I am Know that I remember them Is it just a simple life of moving on Or is it a deep dive into discrimination Somewhere between my brain and mouth All my thoughts get lost in translation And somehow They get rerouted To my hands, exit through fingertips Or so it’s reputed And I’m just called arrogant Because I have no reason to refute it So maybe I am I am

Welcome to the constipation This hot damnation Feels like Every week I start another medication What happened to my chronic hesitation Does it only show up when I try to cross the street Or say anything Well, I’m so full of everything And I don’t know how to say it Somehow between my mouth and my brain Lost in translation, everything that goes in Yes, even his di- Shit, better censor myself quick I’m too fucking sick-

-Of it Just let me say it I trap myself in Somewhere between my brain and mouth All my thoughts get lost in translation Spent all this time climbing Then falling from trees of discrimination Fuck you, aren’t we supposed to be one nation What the hell ever happened to education I don’t know whether to be more scared for or proud of Each new generation Too concerned with what I’m allowed Wish I could be more like them Say “fuck it” and condemn

You say “you’re going to hell” Yeah, I am Someone’s gotta visit your poor soul Hope when I visit your home You’ll be more hospitable Than you’ve been on earth Don’t you know what words are worth If you did, maybe the people you love Would show up at church