#therapy relationship

E has this demonstration she first did with me a few years ago. She holds her hands up, palms facing me, and I hold mine up to meet hers. She pushes on my hands, saying, “My way!” I’m supposed to push back and say, “No, my way!”

When we first tried this, I laughed because it felt awkward and uncomfortable, both literally and in what it was supposed to convey symbolically: my ability to push back…

And back to the blog

I’ve been away from this blog now for longer than at any other time since I first started writing, three and a half years ago. And what have I learned from the break?

I’ve learned that I’ve missed it and want to come back.

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When You Least Expect It

I thought I was doing so much better. No, I AM doing so much better. I’m calmer. If I’m triggered, I catch it, and I care for myself, and it doesn’t last very long. I’m taking risks in individual and couple’s therapy. I’m out in the world again, instead of hiding in my bed. Over the weekend, I told my husband, “I feel like this is the healthiest I’ve been in years, at least five years.”

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Talking about the No Touch Rule

Friday midday I walk up the driveway to the old Victorian house where E has her office. She’s invited me to have an extra session this week to talk more about her refusal to provide comforting touch in therapy and my reaction to that boundary. Earlier in the day, I’ve already sent her a copy of my blog post that describes all the confusion and contradictory emotions I’ve been experiencing. I take…

I Can’t Tolerate a Rupture

I felt such distress swirling around my heart after my appointment with E on Wednesday when we established, once again, that she won’t touch me or offer me any physical comfort. Thursday I went for a walk. I tried to meditate and give myself some mental space. those things helped, but not enough. On Thursday evening I sent her a text–no words needed: Then I felt a little self-conscious about the…

I’m Trying Hard to Be Brave in Therapy and Mostly Coloring Mandalas

I feel better today than I have for the past week or so. So as I settle myself on the floor in E’s office and she asks me what we should focus on in today’s session, I think to myself, Be brave. Use this time well. You know that taking risks is what moves you forward. I take a breath and say, “I want to talk about a couple of difficult things.” She nods and says, “Okay, before we do that, shall…

One of the Reasons I Love My Therapist

Before going in to see E today, I sent her yesterday’s post. That’s the one in which I grumbled that her recent absence had disrupted our momentum in therapy. We’d been talking about sexuality issues (yikes), and I felt too far away from those conversations to just pick up where we left off. But I thought it might help if I at least let her know how I felt about the interruption, so I copied the…

Damn Those Interruptions in Therapy

Just when you screw up your courage and get some momentum going on a tough topic in therapy, kaboom! Your therapist decides she has to go away to a professional workshop for a week. Her departure feels like a bomb exploding in the middle of road, leaving a crater and completely disrupting your therapeutic journey. It’s not just that you have missed her, though you have. It’s not that she isn’t…