#thequietproject

But then he asked me out for real, and I had to turn him down, which I could see just decimated his poor little heart.  Then we had a talk about why I am Not Dating at the moment and that was good and I think he understands even if he is having a hard time with it. :(

He told me it took him like a solid month to get up the nerve to talk to me.  Like, he'd noticed me LONG before we ever talked?????  Talk about WHAT.  I don't even know how to cope with that information augh.

But the truth remains that I am Not Dating right now and...frankly...even if I were...he's not my type at all, and not the kind of person I am looking for in a relationship, you know?  He's PERFECT friend material, but I just wouldn't want to date him.

But sometimes I really miss having someone to, like, hold me and "take care of me," you know?  I think about it sometimes.

It makes me feel really selfish, because I don't really want to have a Relationship with anybody, I just want to feel loved by and safe with somebody again.  I miss having that with my ex.  (Oh god I'm seeing her again soon for the first time in forever.  I just gave up on her a while back...her life has been a drama spiral and I need none of that.)

Sometimes it creeps into the back of my mind that, if I really wanted to, I could probably manipulate this poor boy?

Okay it's not quite like that, let me think about it a little more.

It's more like...I've been aware for a while that this guy has eyes for me.  I could really tell.  I didn't really want to believe it was true, but I could tell.

And I can also tell that he's puppylovestruck enough that he would probably do anything for me just about now.  I dunno how you can tell these things, but I can about him.  And it makes me sad because there's nothing he can do.  I don't want anything from him because I know that means I have to give back, and there's only a certain level of giving I am capable of right now.  Only a certain amount I WANT to give.  To ANYBODY.

I dunno, I sort of feel responsible for this poor guy's widdle heart.  He still wants to be friends, even though it's really obvious he's crushed.  And I still want to be friends with him, because he's just an interesting person to talk to???  I also do most of the talking though...maybe I just want somebody I can Do Most Of The Talking with?  I've never really been in that position now that I think about it...

I dunno, it feels like a heavier relationship than I was hoping for.  As long as he forces himself to be okay with just being friends, I have to make sure I don't make that harder for him.  I know it's not my responsibility, but at the same time, it kind of is.  I guess that's what being a good friend means to me.  You look out for your buddies.  You avoid hurting them.  That's how this whole Friendship thing works, right?

All of my Feelings lately have been about this situation.  I've never been in a place like this!!!  I've never been...admired???? God that sounds so dumb to say.  It's so weird.  I feel weird about it.

Finals are almost done and I need my game face to make it through the week.  I might have more to say on the matter once I'm not busy up to my eyeballs.

Hi! :)  I've probably lost a bunch since I was last here... I continue to be feeling really good about things, and I'm usually able to talk about my problems with people in The Real World!  Though, frankly, it doesn't even feel like I have real "problems" so much, you know?

There are some things that I need to get off my chest sometimes, and I'll keep using this blog for that.  I'm not sure how many of them will be anxiety related, but we will see.

I don't like talking to people.

I don't like emailing people.

I don't like texting people.

I do not like it when other people are aware of my existence, especially when it involves them being aware of whatever jumbled rat's nest of ideas come tumbling out of my brain.

However, talking to people is something I have to do.  And making friends is something I want to do.

No matter how much I do not actually want that.

Because that is how this works.

So, how have I managed to confront multiple optional, Bonus Round Social Interactions recently?

I don't try to pump up my self-esteem.  That never works for me.  I pretty much always find ways to prove that wrong in my own head, and I never believe it, and I end up feeling pretty shitty.

What I do is not necessarily the most emotionally healthy thing to do, and it perhaps a little harsh, and maybe to some people a little fucked up, but it works for me because I am me and somehow this is okay for me.

I tell myself

"Well, if you just say whatever the fuck comes to mind and put it out there, the worst case scenario is they think you are fucking weird/crazy/annoying/awful and never talk to you again."

Which is kind of what I wanted in the first place, because I don't like talking to people!

And in that way, I resolve to just be myself, because as far as I know, chances are people will not like it, and then I will still be left not talking to anybody, just like before, except now I'm actually trying to talk to people.

"The worst that can happen is they never talk to you again."

And that works for me.  I like that.  And it's helped me engage in a lot more conversation than I ever have before, with a lot more people, and even multiple times!

So as far as I'm concerned, it is a step forward in the right direction.

went on an Accidental Date with a dude from class (did not realize he was Asking Me Out until it was too late!) and then definitely got asked a pretty fucking official date and anxiety'd out and gave a weird answer and now

i've just been a little bit of a wreck ever since because of general social anxiety. :(  It's not even the date thing necessarily, it's just that I'm so god damn anxious after spending a lot of time talking to somebody new...

And it REALLY gets to me to think that this person actually likes me and will probably think about me and that is freaking me out really badly.

Tomorrow I will have to correct the wrongs of earlier.  Fuck I really don't like this rejecting business.  Wow me.