#theo becker

After everything, Theo really just wanted to go to sleep. The wound on their side throbbed with each step forward, and they tried to remember if there was a book back at their apartment that had a healing spell. There wasn’t enough money in the bank right now for them to find a licensed healer. Hell, there wasn’t enough money in the bank to find an unlicensed healer.

 Even the street lamps were too bright for their eyes right now, and they were grateful for the hood blocking most of it. Theo still took the opportunity to lean against one and look down at their hand, trying to gauge how bad things were since they were starting to lose feeling in the area. Their hand was coated in blood, and the feeling of it running down their side felt like it was forever away.

Now you’re going to let us die out, just like that? I always thought better of you.

Theo grit their teeth as the muted words floated through their mind, and part of them wondered if this wound would finally grant them silence. It was better to enjoy silence within their own apartment if that were true. They pushed off the street light pole with a deep breath, and it felt like their side was ripping open more with the breath.

A laugh echoed off the empty street. It took a few steps before they realized it was their own, and it also took a lot of strength to actually stop the laugh.

They didn’t know if it was five minutes or five hours later, but Theo finally arrived at their building. A grunt of pain followed by that crazed laughter slipped through their lips as they pulled the front door open, and they only laughed harder at seeing the steps they walked up.

“Apex… Apex,” Theo grunted out, unsure if they were pressing too hard or too light on their wound. It felt like they were starting to float, but it was different from when Apex took over. “Come out! Get me up these fucking stairs or you die, too.”

As they slowly slipped into darkness, Theo hoped they weren’t dripping blood all over the floor. The neighbors would finally have a reason to have them evicted if so. It was the wrong season to try and find a new place. Summer was always better.

It felt as if they had only blinked their eyes, then they were staring at the blurry shape of the number seven – their front door. Theo wanted to sigh in relief, but it caught in their lungs as another sharp pain gave them a bit of clarity. Their bloody hand was removed from the still very much bleeding wound and gripped the door knob. Hopefully Theo’s blood would be enough to fuel the spell they slowly pushed out of their throat to unlock the door.

When they finally got the words out, they twisted the door knob and almost fell over as their solid support gave away. It was dark inside, so they tripped over a pair of shoes and collided into one of the entryway walls. The painting on the wall fell to the ground when Theo pushed off it and kicked the door closed. 

Theo didn’t think they would ever complain about having a small apartment ever again. It could have been the fact that they had lost so much blood already, but it was only another blink of their eyes before they were standing in front of their liquor bottles. One was grabbed at random, the weight almost too heavy for their near dead feeling hands to hold, and then they were suddenly sinking into the comfort of their couch. 

A deep breath moved through them without pain finally, but now they were struggling to get the lid off the liquor. Theo tried a few times before the weight was gone from their hands completely.

“Are you so drunk that you can’t even-” The mocking voice that came from the darkness would have shocked Theo if they weren’t already in shock. They mainly wanted to know why it stopped. It was a nice sounding voice that relaxed them, even if it had been ridiculing them.

“What?” They managed to say through the fog in their brain, and then they were laughing again. Was that their own laughter? It had to be. Was it always this dark in their apartment? No, their eyes were just closed. They were finally getting some rest at least, so the twins would stay off Theo’s back.

Suddenly, there were hands pushing Theo’s own away from their abdomen, and panic started to rise up in their throat. They tried to fight against the hands, scratching and shoving anything they could with what little energy was left. It didn’t take much resistance for the hands to leave once more.

“Becker, open your eyes. Becker, open your fucking eyes or I’m going to kill you myself.” It was the voice from earlier. It was finally talking again, but it seemed upset this time. Last time it at least seemed happy. Maybe they should open their eyes. Would that make the voice happy?

It felt like forever, a million dreams happening at once, but Theo finally was able to open their eyes. There was that vibrant blue again. Why was it so blurry?

“Why are you here?” Theo asked him, thinking that Jasper was the last person they would see right now. Might be the last person they ever saw.

His face was blurring in and out of focus, but there wasn’t any hint of the normal sardonic attitude Theo was so used to. Instead, in the glimpses they saw Jasper actually looked worried for once. This was the same man Theo had seen single handedly take on several Mornfiends on his own without dropping his smirk. Nothing worried him.

“We’ll talk about it later. Let me heal you,” he hissed out the last part, and Theo could have sworn he looked frustrated. Those ice blue eyes were colder than normal. “I’m not going to touch you until you say it's okay.”

Theo’s breath caught in their throat once more, except this time it was for the emotional turmoil going on in their head instead of due to pain. They wondered just how badly they reacted earlier. Everything was still blurring together. 

They gave a short nod, even mustering the strength to nod a second time after Jasper didn’t move from the first one. That seemed to be enough for him, and he was quickly moving towards them. His hands worked to peel back the shirt that had started to stick to their skin from all of the blood. It was probably ruined. They had closed their eyes again, slowly slipping into the cold darkness again, but then they felt metal skimming their skin. Prying their eyes open once more, Theo watched as Jasper carefully cut away the fabric surrounding the huge wound with the knife he normally carried. 

“Please keep talking,” Jasper gritted out, not even looking up from his task of trying to see the full extent of the wound. “If you can’t keep your eyes open, please talk to me. Don’t fall asleep, okay?” 

It held the same sadness from before, and Theo didn’t have the energy to think through why that made them sad as well. They just wanted it to sound like normal.

“When did you learn to heal?” They whispered, hissing through their teeth when Jasper tried to push the skin of the tear together. At least the pain woke them up more to hear the answer, Theo just didn’t know if they would remember it later.

“I’ve always known how to heal. I’ve had to take care of my own wounds since I was a kid,” Jasper replied, and maybe it was because he didn’t have enough fight in him to filter his thoughts while watching Theo bleed out. “Do you want the alcohol? This is really… It's going to be painful. I’ve never had to heal someone else before.”

Theo took a deep breath and shrugged, barely hanging on. “Just get on with it. Your face is making me sad. That would be a bad death right. To be sad?” They were rambling at this point, and they missed the way Jasper’s face twisted with sadness again because their eyes closed again. 

It didn’t take long for a searing pain to shoot through their body once more, except this time it was focused on just one part of the injury instead of spread out. Theo thought that this might be worse than feeling the pain all over. Their jaw clenched tightly, a pained cry muffled the slightest bit. When a wave of relief came, they laughed again and said, “My neighbors are going to hate me after tonight.”

That was all they managed to get out before the pain was back once more. 

“I’ll take care of it,” Jasper stated firmly, trying his best to reassure them. His brows were tightly knit together, and Theo could feel the way his hands shook slightly along their skin. It had been held back until this point, but there was a different emotion other than just pain in their chest now. Theo started to cry, one hand gripping onto the couch and the other grabbing Jasper's wrist. “I’m so sorry, Theo. I’m almost done. Please hang on. I’m so sorry.”

Theo didn’t know how much longer they could take the pain. They had walked all the way home with this thing. They had lost so much blood. They were so cold. Where was Apex? This wasn’t how everything was supposed to end.

“It’s not going to end like this, okay? I’m almost done. The rest isn’t painful, so please just hang on,” Jasper said, his voice wavering the smallest bit. Theo must have said all of that out loud. Tears continued to pour down their face, and they didn’t have the energy to resist the pain anymore. So they let the darkness wash over them, wanting to escape the pain somehow.

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Theo didn’t know if they had always been floating in this place or if they were just waking up. There was no way to tell the time passing in the darkness, all of it happening at once. Even their thoughts rushed through them all at once, unable to distinguish one from the next.

They were drifting through eternity. No air pushed through their lungs. No beat was heard from their heart. It was like they were a hollow shell.

Isn’t there something left for you to fight for? 

A voice. Who did that voice belong to?

Why do you always run away from your problems?

Wasn’t it… Apex? 

Why do you think you’ve earned the right to run away to death?

Who has to earn death?

Those who still have a purpose to fulfill.

Why does it have to be me? Why can’t someone else?

I don’t have all the answers. Who else would it be?

Why does it have to be me? Why did you choose me?

Who else would I ever choose? It will always be you.

I’m tired. Let me go.

You still don’t understand. It will always be you.

I don’t want it to be me.

No one ever does.

Whatever clarity Theo felt they had in those moments with Apex, it quickly slipped away once more. The infinity rushed over them, and they continued to float within the darkness.

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When Theo felt themself drift back to reality, it was clear they were no longer in whatever in between place they had been before. Even before they opened their eyes, they could feel gravity, feel their lungs expanding and collapsing, feel the blood running through their veins. Theo could also definitely feel the ache on their right side that stretched from their hip to their ribs.

They laid still for a long while, still trying to fight off the tug of the darkness, and tried to take stock of what happened. Everything seemed like it was playing back in third person from their memories, and Theo really hated when that happened. Sometimes it meant Apex was filtering their memories, sometimes it was just the way their brain processed events.

After a few minutes, they started to remember how they were still alive right now. Jasper had healed them. Did he ever say why he was in the apartment? What had actually happened last night and how much of it was just a hallucination? Did he actually call them by their first name?

Theo blinked their eyes open slowly, fingers stretching and toes wiggling gently underneath the blanket placed over them. They were really warm, and their thoughts drifted to whether or not Jasper had turned on the heat. They really didn’t need a large bill this month after everything else. Who knew when they would even be able to work another job.

This was definitely not the couch in their living room, and their face began to heat up at the thought of Jasper having to carry them to the bedroom. Theo’s green eyes were trained on the ceiling, thoughts racing through their head of what might have happened. The more they considered, the more their face heated up.

Slowly, a hand moved toward their side. Theo discovered that not only were they shirtless, there wasn’t a single trace of dried blood on them surrounding the new scar. Which meant Jasper had cleaned them up as well. They were completely embarrassed, momentarily wishing that the darkness from earlier would wash over them once more. When it didn’t, Theo slowly pulled the blanket up over their face, eyes peeking over the top to continue to stare at the ceiling.

Up until that moment, Theo hadn’t noticed anyone else in the room. But the more they woke up, the more the presence of being watched weighed on them. Their head, still half hidden by the blanket, rolled to the right, and the sight made all of the blood in their face completely disappear.

Jasper was sitting in a chair next to the bed, and with one of his hands he flipped his butterfly knife in different patterns. His eyebrows were furrowed, creating harsh lines on his forehead. He even looked different than normal, and Theo had to squint their eyes to see it in the darkness.

His skin was almost deathly pale, like it had a hint of gray to it. He almost looked taller, but there wasn’t a way to tell when he was sitting down. The icy blue color that normally accompanied his eyes were replaced with solid black pools, and they bore into Theo in a way that sent a shiver down their spine. Jasper’s gaze made them feel like prey waiting to be slaughtered.

They pushed the blanket down a bit, intending to sit up somewhat, but there was no strength left in their arms to succeed. Their elbows collapsed and they fell into a pile on the bed once more.

“Stop trying to sit up. You're going to hurt yourself,” Jasper barked out, and his voice was so cold. It sounded like he was a second away from freezing over.

Theo knew he was right, so they took a deep breath and looked back up at the ceiling. “What crawled up your ass?” They asked, trying to diffuse the situation somewhat with their usual banter. As much as they complained about it before, Theo wished nothing more than for Jasper to make some sort of comeback.

“Who did that to you?” 

“What happened to I won’t help you fight your enemies, Jasper?” They tried again, the tone almost bored now. The laugh that came from Jasper was hollow and short, and Theo could hear in the silence the metal of his knife clinking against each other.

“Who did that to you, Theo? I want to know so I can show them what it’s like to be gutted before I rip their head off their shoulders,” Jasper hissed out, murderous intent pouring off him in waves.

Theo swallowed roughly, their throat more dry than they had anticipated. Just how long had they been asleep? The sun was up at least, filtering in through the cracks of the curtains. The sun had been going down when they first met with Shadow, and it had been dark out by the time they each limped away from their meeting.

“I can handle it myself,” they finally replied firmly, hands gripping the blanket. “Besides, why do you even care?”

Jasper laughed again, except this time he got up from the chair and began pacing in the room. It didn’t do anything to cool the anger rushing through him.

“You obviously cannot handle it yourself. You were bleeding out all over your couch. Handle it yourself,” Jasper scoffed after he repeated the phrase, and Theo took a glance over at him. His boots thumped loudly on the floor as he paced, not much room for him in the small bedroom. One hand continued to flip his knife, and the other continuously flexed as if it was causing Jasper pain.

“I wouldn’t have died,” they threw out and watched as that free hand tugged at his black hair. Had he really been that concerned? Where did this even come from? Jasper had never even seemed to give a second glance to their injuries before. 

“You can’t even heal” He snapped, whirling around to face them again with hands thrown out to his sides. Another laugh echoed in the bedroom, and Theo could hear the manic edge to it this time. “I had to drag your soul back into your fucking body from the brink of death, Becker!”

A lot of things started to make sense to Theo at that moment. The first thing was that Jasper had probably used an exceptionally large amount of power to save them. Healing was one thing, but to drag their soul back from death was something else entirely. It would explain his eyes and the gray tint to his skin.

The second thing was the realization that they had actually died. Theo had gotten close to death so many times in the past, to the point that they were convinced there was no way for them to die. Even the attempts to meet death head on were always futile. It seemed like eternity was another curse under the disguise of a blessing. But this time was different. They had never experienced that heavy, dark eternity before. The memory of it came back to them now, and Theo became nauseous at the overwhelming emotions rushing over them. 

 The third thing Theo realized as they finally got up off the bed, rushed past Jasper to fling the bedroom door open, and immediately fell to their knees in front of the toilet to dry heave. The realization ran through their mind as they stayed hunched on the cold bathroom floor, a shiver running through them as the freezing temperatures of the rest of the house touched their bare skin. It was being laughed at by Apex as Theo felt a warmth appear behind them, a hand running up and down their back comfortingly. 

Jasper had watched them die in front of him. Instead of just accepting that fate, he fought with forces stronger than the gods to bring them back. Not only had he fought, but he actually won. Theo realized what that meant, having witnessed the consequences of losing. Winning also came with its own consequences, and they didn’t want to know Jasper’s. 

Panic washed over Theo, causing their breathing to pick up even once they stopped dry heaving. They sank back onto their legs away from the toilet, and that warm hand was still stroking their back. Theo quickly yanked away from it and turned to look up at Jasper who was holding his hand close to him now. They felt like they were choking on a million words as they shoved him, surprising him enough to knock him off balance from his squatted position until he fell backwards. 

They continued to shove at him, repeatedly hitting his shoulders as he sat there and took it without a word. Tears started to pour down Theo’s face, and it reminded them of last night. They hadn’t cried in a long time, much less anything close to this. Why had there ever been a reason to cry when their whole life was painful?

Finally, Jasper caught their wrist when it was raising to hit him. “Theo, stop,” he said gently before pulling their wrist hard. It caused them to fall forward into him, and before they could pull away Jasper wrapped his arms around them tightly. Theo tried to continue pushing him away, but the way their arms were trapped prevented them from doing so. They gave up and relaxed somewhat in his arms, still trying to calm their breathing. Jasper just held them tightly, his head pressed to the top of theirs. “It doesn’t matter. Just listen.”

Theo thought he was going to say more, but it was quiet in the bathroom except for their own breathing. The rush slowly passed, and as it did they gripped onto Jasper’s shirt. The less frantic they were, the clearer it became what Jasper had wanted Theo to listen to. While Theo had been breathing heavily, Jasper hadn’t taken a single breath. While Theo’s heart had been pounding, there was no beat from Jasper’s heart that they could feel beneath their hands.

When reality finally hit them, they froze again. A deep laugh filled the silence, bouncing off the walls of the small bathroom.