#thenotoriousmsg

What you did was make me fall very hard for you, and I have not only scraped my knees but I have broken bones, and I have never felt that emotion in my life, but it sucks. My heart broke, I felt that feeling where your pulse slows and something drops in your stomach and it feels like you should throw up and there's something in the back of your throat that makes you feel like you can't swallow. I felt that, but I believe you. I don't think you realized what you did and what you were doing until much much later when it was too late to think about it. 

When people die the grief is because you loved them so much that it hurts to know that you don't see them again. But when someone crushes me like you did, the pain is in seeing you daily and having a clear picture in your mind that refreshes daily. 

You made me feel like I had something against everyone else, like I held the Ace in a game of poker. Like I held something that was all mine but no one knew. I felt happy Lu, for months on end I looked forward to getting your messages to seeing your face, to the next time you gave me a compliment, to the next time you promised me a kiss, to the next time... and suddenly you come back and I wasn't a part of anything.

Just like a chess game Lu, just. like. your. fucking. chess. games. Remember how you said you can make a plan but you have to change it?

You changed the rules, that means you have the upper hand. 

I don't know exactly who "her" is, but I keep thinking about why her, why not me? It was all in vain wasn't it? You keep saying you never thought that way, but it looks like you played a good game of chess again and I lost. I was not your pawn, but you know how to tear someone down, don't you? I think you've done it before, because practice makes perfect.

When I see your face again, it will most definitely crush me, but I will sit there in the corner of the room and drink my tea while you have to hear me and see me walk with broken bones that you broke for me.

In a perfect world you came back and it was me. But it's this world, and you came back and it was her.

Now I don't go to strict boys preparatory school, but I go to prep school. Where those homework loads they described, and those characters that they have, I've met them in different forms. I've met the Neils of prep school, the Todds, the Knoxs the Charlies. But those weren't their names. I've met those types of people, I've met those people who can't do what they want but they try. 

To be honest every part that talked about the beauty of language when it is used correctly, it was like having an epiphany. That makes sense, To a writer, that makes complete sense. You listen to things and you meet people and you see things, and what are you supposed to do? Sit there and accept it? Or think about it and talk about it, realize that different people are beside you and they feel as you feel. Those boys formed a bond, a bond where each one took a sip of Mr. Keating's sweet wine, and got drunk. (that's metaphorical by the way) We like romances and first love and things like that in high school stories, but it's stories like these that change it all. 

It's not easy going to a prestigious place and having to care. Like Neil, we find happiness and we're not allowed to have it. Actually like most of those boys. Where Knox finds Chris, and she's perfect to him, but he's not allowed to have her. These boys are inspired, and that leads them to their misfortune. "Seize the day" they say over and over. Because Knox calls Chris, gets drunk and gets beaten up. Because Charlie wants girls in school, but he almost gets himself expelled. Because Todd doesn't like that desk set. Because Neil didn't want to be a doctor, he is Puck. It is because when we are told to seize the day, we take it. Sometimes, its fantastic and we had the time of our lives, and other times, its a knife to your back when you least expect it. 

As I watched this movie I felt like each character had been representative of what I have felt before. I want to be Charlie sometimes, and be defiant and cool, I've been Neil before, where I said I like this, but my parents say I like that, I've been Todd, where I'm desolate because it feels like no one understands. I've been Knox where I want something so bad it kills, and I know that I'll die trying to get it. I've seen a Mr. Keating, who inspires. They all felt like I feel. That movie is accurate. You feel pressure, and you feel relief, and you feel a stupid thing called love, and your friends are your friends and no one can defy you all.