#thejoyequation

This boy, I know he seems great. I know he seems like the answer to all of your problems.

But you’ll give him the keys to your life. And you’ll get in the passenger seat. And he doesn’t even want to drive. But you want to drive even a little less than he does, and he’s such a good driver.

You don’t know that your undiagnosed ADHD is causing most of the problems that make him laugh and say that you’re a bad adult. So you’ll believe him. You’ll think that you’re a bad adult and that he has all the answers. You’ll think that it’s best for him to tell you what to eat, or drink, or think, or be... You’ll take that job because you feel guilty that he’s been paying for everything. And he thinks you should take it. So you’ll take it. And you’ll be miserable at it, every day for 2 years. 

I saw you today. You ran into an old friend, a guy who you met that same fateful night that you met your ex. You remembered that night, the night that you met him. You wanted to stay out and hang out with this other guy. But that ship sailed, and you went off to the party where you met your ex. And your whole life got turned upside down.

Remember the time Megan told you that she didn’t know who you were anymore? She told you that you’d somehow lost yourself. That you weren’t the same joyful exuberant person you were when she met you in 2007? You stopped being Jen somewhere between there and here. But don’t worry, my dear. You’re starting to remember. 

You’re starting to remember that you were capable of being passionate about something. You’re remembering that you’re fun, and funny, and capable of doing nearly anything you set your mind to. You’re finding out that “being a bad adult” is a chemical cocktail in your brain that doesn’t quite let you work the same way other people do. And that awesome little orange and white pill you take each day helps a lot. 

You’re not a bad adult. You’re not a mess or a weirdo or bad in general. You’re not unlovable or undesirable or any of the things that you felt. You don’t have to stay in a relationship with a guy who’s not sure about you. You don’t have to search for and grasp at love with someone else... because your life is wonderful.

And you have all the love you need.

Love,

Dear Jenny, 

Someday you’re going to hate being called Jenny. It will remind you of who you used to be. No, you’re not Jenny anymore, but Jen is you in a lot of ways. All of the very best ways.

You’re curious. You want to know what’s going on around you. That curiosity led you to read the note Christie asked you to pass to Chris, since you sit next to him in Concert Choir. 

I want to tell you, the things she said about you in that note AREN’T true. They’re idle chatter from a young girl who is trying to impress her older boyfriend.

You are not boring. You never were. I know you’ll spend YEARS pulling crazy stunts, drinking too much, doing all kinds of amazing and a lot of really stupid things trying to prove that. You’re not boring right now. You are the girl who went out for every club and every team. You are well-liked and more than that, you’re respected. Christie doesn’t know what boring means. She just wants to fool around with her boyfriend because she thinks that his approval is what she needs to love herself. You’re too busy doing SADD and Warriors for Christ and Students Acting For the Environment and Yearbook and the Newspaper and Volleyball and Drama and Band and Choir and Student Council and Spirit Club to worry about what a boy thinks of you. I wish you’d held on to that attitude.

I know she said that you like boys who would never like you. I wish you hadn’t believed her for all of these years. You’ll play this one out over and over again and it will be the reason that you stay in a 2-year relationship with a man who continually tells you that he doesn’t love you, but that he’s “sure that he’ll get there.”

Honey, he won’t get there. And you’re worth more than that. I wish you knew that YOU loving you is enough. There are so many other great things about you, Jenny. Don’t let go of them.

You’re resilient. You even tried out for Drill Team freshman year, even though you can’t learn choreography to save your life. When you didn’t make it, you bounced back. Maybe not everything is for you. You’re allowed to decide that YOU don’t like something and leave it. You’re not a quitter for that. You’re choiceful.

You’re full of conviction and fiercely loyal. Hold onto that, because it will serve you well. Sure, over the years, people will betray you. People don’t always have your best interests in mind. You have to do that for yourself. Stick to your guns. Don’t compromise your values, but don’t beat yourself up when they change, either. You’re allowed to change your mind about things. That’s called growth.

Your smile lights up the room and everyone in it. That won’t change, but be kind to yourself when you don’t feel it, because it’s not about them. It’s about you. You’re enough. You don’t need everyone to like you. 

You are awesome, and I love you. Welcome back to loving yourself, sweet girl.

Love,