Hi, I'm Sam and Always Keep Fighting is the reason I'm still alive today. Since I was 6 I struggled with abuse, trauma, self harm and depression because of really bad stuff that happened to me for a while around then. A lot of it was repressed, but I always knew something was bad wrong. It wasn't until around sophomore year that it made a big issue for me. All those memories came flooding back, and on top of that, I realized I was trans. Around this time I made a good friend (I'll call her Cat), who first introduced me to Supernatural, and helped me get my first job. I didn't get big into Supernatural then, but I did find myself drawn to Sam's character. Cat was ecstatic, because as I remember Supernatural changed her life, too, and that's why she wanted to share it with me so badly. During the time I worked with her, I stayed at her house and she showed me a few episodes. I started getting help for my depression and things got a lot better. Until I came out to my parents as a trans man. They were violently against my identity, and to this day refuse to call me my proper pronouns. Things got worse, fast, and I was hospitalized. Eventually, with Cat and my girlfriend's support, I got better, and realized that I didn't need my parents approval to be who I was. I was going by "Shade" at the time, at work and at school. A year or two passed and Cat went on to college, and my girlfriend got dual-enrolled at the college our high school was on the same campus as. She got big into supernatural through a mutual now ex friend. She watched it in the student lounge, and when I had free time I'd come over, because that ex friend was starting to become borderline abusive. Watching it from the beginning with Nikki made it much better for me, and I really fell in love with the show. It also helped that in season 1, a lot of the stuff they covered was things I knew about (I lived fairly close to Ohio's Gore Orphanage, a Crybaby Bridge, and there was said to be a Woman in White near the local Girl Scout camp I attended). Again, I fell in love with Sam's character. Getting into supernatural brought me closer to one friend, and made me a new one. To this day, I consider them Family. I don't know what I'd do without them. Around this time, I felt a name change was in order- getting more in touch with my spiritual side, I wanted a name with meaning, because Shade sounded like a 12 year old's sonic oc. For the hell of it, I looked up the meaning for "Samuel". It means in one record, "God has Heard". So in tribute to the character, and that meaning, I took that name. Around the same time, I was getting ready to start college. I was lower than low. My meds were doing the opposite of helping, my parents criticized my name change in the most patronizing manner, and I fell back into self harm and suicidal thoughts. That's when I found the Always Keep Fighting campaign. I had always looked up to Jared as an actor (I mean look at his portrayal of everyone in Sam winchester's body alone- Sam himself, Meg, Lucifer, just to name a few), and hearing him talk about his own struggle with depression really hit close to home. If someone, a great man like him could deal with something like that, there's no way I could be ashamed of struggling with it too. I cried for hours. I didn't feel alone anymore. And to top it all off, it was because of someone I looked up to. Someone who worked with a group of people on a show so focused on the definition of Family that I've ALWAYS lived by, a show that brought me closer to MY FAMILY. The next few months after that were hard. But I kept fighting. I got a little better. Then my grades tanked because I was completely maladjusted to college life. Over those holidays, stuck at home with family who didn't respect who I was, who were so mad at me for "letting my ""little problem"" and ""this trans thing"" get in the way of academic performance that they hardly said a kind word to me. I fell back into self harm. I thought about suicide on the daily. And then all of a sudden, more Always Keep Fighting stuff kept coming across my dash, like my angel put it there himself. My family came a little closer. And things eased up. That was about two months ago. I still struggle with self-harm (if you count my skin-picking, I've never been clean) and suicidal thoughts, but I'm still trying. I'm still fighting. Thanks to my Family. Thanks to Always Keep Fighting. Thanks to Jared. I plan on saving up for two tattoos at least. One of my own design, symbolizing my transness and recovery from self harm, and the other just the words "Always Keep Fighting". I don't know where I'm going to get it yet, and I made a personal goal that I need to be 3 months free of all self harm before I get it, but I know I'm worth it now. I know I can make it, because I'm not alone. I've got Family. I've got Covin and Arthur and Tj and Dani and Nikki and Adrian and my blood brother Kenny. And that's more than I've ever had. I've got so many more too. I've got Family where I never had it before. And I can Always Keep Fighting because of them, and because of Jared's example. I'm actually trying not to cry as I submit this. This means so much to me and I can't really even type how important AKF is to me. I just can't. I'm alive because when I needed it most, AKF was on my tumblr dashboard. And it was there because of SPN. So thank you Jared. Thank you so much.
