#theinsufferablebaka

Worst of all were the kings of these two kingdoms. King Burnie of the Blue Kingdom and King Matt of the Red Kingdom refused to cooperate at all with each other, no matter how much their advisors or fellow kings would beg. At every all-kingdom council meeting, the two usually good kings would revert to juveniles, yelling at each other from across rooms, checking shoulders and even hissing when they passed by. The two were almost a completely lost cause.

  At least the same could not be said for their sons.

  -

  Lindsay Tuggey liked to refer to herself as freelance knight. Her official training and qualifications should actually make her a form of ranger, but honestly a knight just sounded way cooler and romantic. That, and her armor was freaking badass.

  She traveled across the lands of Rooster Teeth, kingdom to kingdom, searching for quests and adventures. She was still working on making a name for herself, but soon enough ‘Knight Tuggey’ would be known across the lands. Hopefully.

  So for now she traveled by horse with her lovely assistant. JJ had just kind of hitched along at some point and, since he’d proven to be quite helpful on multiple occasions, Lindsay had grown used to him.

  “Are we there yet?” JJ whined.

  “Not yet, you baby.” Lindsay replied. “Are you getting a little sore between the legs?” Her companion just pouted at her in return. They’d been traveling for days to reach the kingdoms of Red and Blue, or ‘Purple’ as some lame people were whispering these days. Word had spread of a sudden truce between the quarreling kings, something that had turned every head in interest. The two travelers were looking to find some work in one of the two largest kingdoms in the land. “We should be getting pretty close though.”

  Sure enough, after they’d peaked a tall hill, the two kingdoms could be seen in the distance above the surrounding trees. The walls that surrounded them had been built ridiculously close together, leaving only room for the small village to separate them. Actually, and Lindsay raised an eyebrow at this, the castles and layouts looks almost exactly alike. In fact, the only differentiating feature were the banisters that hung down in the designated colors: blue on the left and red on the right.

  “Do you think they’re compensating for something?” JJ commented from beside her. Lindsay let out a laugh and they continued on their way.

  -

  A couple hours hours later, they arrived at the village of Freelance. The sight that greeted them was well… rather unexpected. The streets of the tiny village were packed nearly full of people, the individuals wearing a garish mixture of both red and blue clothing. These surely couldn’t be the villagers? Lindsay had grown up hearing tales of how the Freelancers were a hard bunch who could kick anyone’s ass in a moment. The badly-dressed crowd before her looked like a mix up of all standards of life. She shared a questioning look with her partner before carefully urging her horse into the crowd.

  At first no one really paid them much attention, which was surprising seeing as Lindsay wore clinking armor and they were definitely the highest members of the crowd. She got a good view of the concern and determination that was stuck to everyone’s faces. Conversation snippets consisted of variations such as, ‘have you check this place yet?’ and ‘do you wanna join my search party?’. She could taste the oncoming quest in the air.

  Then, people began to notice her. Someone would look up at her and immediately point her out to someone standing next to them. More and more eyes were slowly sticking to her. Lindsay suddenly wished she had polished her armor this morning. Was there something stuck to it? No, JJ would have pointed it out. She was so glad at that moment for the helmet that concealed her face, as she could feel heat starting to radiate from her cheeks and neck.

  ‘Okay, time to suck it up Tuggey. You are a fucking knight and these people are admiring how badass you look.’ She took a deep breath, rolled her shoulders back, and released it. Most of the uncomfortable feelings escaped along with it, and the embarrassed prickling of her skin was replaced with a confident warmth.

  “Hello, good sir!” a voice suddenly called through the crowd. Lindsay turned to see a tall, blonde woman pushing through the crowd towards her, pulling a lanky man behind her. She stood out from the crowd with her intricate, light blue armor, only disrupted by a red scarf tied randomly around her arm. Likewise, the man wore a similar get-up with opposite colors. “Did you come looking for work? ‘Cause, boy, do we have a job for you!”

  The woman took the reins right from Lindsay’s hands and began leading her horse through the crowd, completely ignorant to her captive’s feeble protests. The man followed along behind them like a lost puppy.

  “We’ll save time and just take you straight to Burnie and Matt, they’ll wanna get you out there tracking right away.” Wait, did she mean King Burnie and King Matt? Holy shit. “My name’s Barbara, by the way, I’m Burnie’s Second in Command. Chris here is basically the same thing for Matt, just not as cool.”

  “Hey!” Chris protested.

  “So what’s your name, Mr. or Miss Knight?” Barbara asked. They were making their way to what looked the town hall, being the largest building in the area.

  “Lindsay Tuggey. Uh, Knight Tuggey, that is.”

  “Well, it’s a good thing that I’m Tuggey-ing you along, right?” Barbara teased with a laugh. Chris let out a long groan. It was at this point, when JJ didn’t make a smart comment himself, that Lindsay realized that she’d totally lost him somewhere among the buildings. Where was a good assistant when you needed one?

  A strong grip was suddenly around her arm, pulling her off of the horse. If Lindsay hadn’t had the amount of experience she did with falling off of things, she surely would have landed right on her face. Instead, she stumbled and kept on moving as Barbara dragged her to the door.

  “Uh, shouldn’t I tie up my horse?” Lindsay asked.

  “Nah, someone’ll take care of it.” Chris offered. She looked back and, sure enough, several mismatched people had already gathered around her horse with several lengths of rope, urging it towards the side of the building. It was a good thing her lovely horse was so tame.

  Through the doors, the building was rather plain if you could ignore the moody lighting and few decorations. More important-looking people were lingering around on the ground floor and paid the three of them no heed as they made their way up the center staircase. A large, heavy-looking door awaited them at the top, and Barbara pushed through like it was only a curtain in her way.

  “You should announce yourself before you enter!” Chris hissed, cringing.

  “That would just make me a pompous Red, though.” Barbara laughed. Lindsay tuned out the banter to focus on the room they had entered, more so on the people in that room.

  She recognized King Burnie and King Matt from the pictures of them she’d seen growing up; however, she’d never expected to see the two if them in a room together. In fact, they were standing side-by-side, staring out the same window. Shouldn’t they be trying to strangle each other or something?

  “Burnie!” Barbara called across the room, “Lookie what I found!”

  “What we found, she means.” Chris grumbled half-heartedly. The two kings turned to look at three of them and Lindsay wasn’t entirely sure how to feel. On one hand, these were two of the most powerful men in the land; on the other, neither of them were wearing any particularly ‘kingly’ gear. Actually, they looked as though they hadn’t slept in a few days.

  Burnie’s face brightened as he looked at her, bringing Lindsay’s confusion to a peak.

  “Oh, sweet! A knight.” She felt hands pushing on her back, forcing her to walk towards the two men.

  “Uh, yeah! That’s me.” Lindsay lamely rubbed the back of her head before suddenly remembering her manners. She quickly ducked into into a bow. “Knight Lindsay Tuggey at your service!”

  “Just what the doctor ordered!” Burnie grinned at her.

  “Hopefully.” Matt added. Lindsay gulped, swallowing the remaining of her nerves.

  “You see, both of us are sharing in a very big problem at the moment.”

  “‘Bit of an understatement.” Chris whispered behind her. A small thump followed, most likely a smack from Barbara. Lindsay had a feeling that that was commonplace for them.

  “We have reason to believe,” Burnie plowed on, “that both of our sons have either been kidnapped, or they ran off.”

  “The latter is more likely than the former.” Matt jumped in.

  “Yeah, Gavin’s a hell of a fighter-”

  “Michael, too, of course-”

  “And I’d have a tough time believing that any kidnapper wouldn’t have returned him by now.” Lindsay raised an eyebrow at that.

  “Ransom of Red Chief and that shit.”

  “You just had to use ‘red’ didn’t you?”

  “It’s the name of the story you uncultured swine!” Okay, now they were starting to get on Lindsay’s nerves. She cleared her throat quite obnoxiously to get them refocused. Any feelings of awe that had remained from before had all but vanished at this point. Annoying, bickering, old guys weren’t really her thing.

  “Anyway!” Matt brushed some imaginary lint from his shoulders, visibly calming from the fight that had started rising, “We want you to look for them. We’re pretty sure that they’re probably together, wherever they are-”

  “Because certain supplies that would have been taken by one of the boys are conveniently missing from the other castle.”

  “All of our citizens have spent the last few days working together and looking, but it hasn’t been going very well.”

  “And, while our people have their hearts in the right place…”

  “They simply lack the training and organization of a single knight.”

  “We’ve been having a hell of a time trying to find the little shits.” Lindsay let the pause in conversation hover for a moment before taking that as her cue. It was time for her to do the helmet thing, the thing that she’d been practicing in mirrors since she was old enough to even reach the mirrors. Her fingers gently gripped her helmet, and she leaned forward to aid it’s departure from her head. The moment it was all the way off she swung her head back, causing her hair to make a dramatic flip.

  The best way ever to get rid of helmet hair and show off your swag.

  “In that case,” Lindsay said, in her strongest and most knightly voice, “it would be an honor to accept your quest, my lieges.” Behind her, Barbara wolf-whistled.

  Nailed it.

  “Bonus points for presentation.” Burnie cheered with a small clap.

  "Yes, presentation is nice," Matt interrupted, "but can you follow it up?" Burnie smacked his shoulder.

  “Of course she can follow it up! They just give armor to anyone you know.”

  “Oh, really? Because I’ve seen some of your ‘Round Table’ dressed up in their shinies-” Lindsay felt a hand, once more, grab onto her shoulder.

  “Okay then, that’s settled officially.” Barbara said before yanking Lindsay back towards the door. The kings had focused completely on their argument, leaving the remaining three to exit somewhat gracefully.

  They stopped in the hallway with the heavy door slamming shut behind them. Lindsay was appreciative of how it muffled the noises going on behind it.

  “Sorry about that,” Barbara smiled, “but no quests are official until authorized by a king!”

  “Or, in our case, two of them.” Chris joined.

  “But now that that’s finished we can go ahead and send you on your way!” They began to descend the stairs as the conversation went on. “The boys have been missing for four days already, so no one has an honest clue where they could be. They could be in the surrounding woods or nestled away in the Rose Kingdom by now.” Chris jumped in.

  “Though I kind of doubt that they would go there now, what with the current events going on and what not.” That caught Lindsay’s attention.

  “Wait, what’s been going on in the Rose Kingdom?” That earned her duel odd looks.

  “What, have you been living under a rock?” Barbara said. “There’s been a ton of drama going on. Did you hear about the king somehow ending up in a super-mysterious coma a few months ago?” Lindsay nodded. It’d been a cause for concern in every village for a while. “Well, there were tons of rumors going around for a while that the Haywood Kingdom was responsible, like they sent someone to poison him or something.”

  “But that all kind of rolled away after a while.” Chris joined. “But just last week, the prince, that is, the king’s son, was declared an outlaw.” She had to raise an eyebrow at that. A Prince? Becoming an outlaw? “Word says that evidence came up to prove that the prince had apparently put the king in the coma.” Barbara took over again.

  “It’s super fishy though. I’d just avoid the whole area, and even the Haywood Kingdom next to it.”

  “Why do I wanna-” Lindsay found a finger pressed against her mouth.

  “Shush,” The blonde said, removing the appendage, “we shouldn’t be distracting you. Job. Quest. Princes. Find. Go.”

  With that, and a press of hands against her back, Lindsay found herself shoved through the doors of the building and into the sunlight once more. Caught blinking against the sudden brightness, she didn’t even get to anything more as the the doors slammed shut behind her.

  “Well, that was rather interesting.” She mumbled under her breath. But a quest was a quest, right? Sure, the introduction hadn’t gone as glorious as she had pictured beforehand, but she actually had a knightly duty now. If things went smoothly, she could be known across two kingdoms within no time. But, before she could find the missing princes, she had to find her assistant.

  But first over all, she had to find her horse.

  -

  “So, if you were a runaway prince, where would you head to?” JJ asked.

  “I don’t know. What do princes like to do in their free time?”

  Luckily, JJ hadn’t been that hard to find. After securing her horse once more, she’d just searched around the local food market until the familiar voice had reached her ears. There was no mistaking her friend’s constant sass.

  “I don’t know. Princely things?”

  “Define ‘princely things’.”

  “Maybe… riding horses? Pushing servants around?

  Since they really didn’t have much a lead to go on, they had decided that exploring the perimeter around the two kingdoms would be as a good a place to start as any. And if they didn’t find any clues, at least they got a feel for the place.

  “I’m like 90 percent sure that princes don’t actually spend their days doing stuff like that.”

  “How would you know? Are you an expert on princes?”

  “Hush it, Jones.” She pointedly ignored the tongue that was stuck out at her. Good help was so hard to find these days.

  Slowly and carefully, they made their way through the forest, sticking close to the high wall as a guide. Conveniently enough, the break between the barrier and the trees was just wide enough to serve as a road to ride their horses on. Lindsay was of the general favor that a higher perch served a better point of view. So far, their efforts had been rather fruitless. There was nothing around to show that any form of suspicious activity had occurred, let alone something that led to Prince Michael and Prince Gavin.

  “I think we’ve already reached the Red Kingdom’s castle.” Lindsay said. Towers and other large structures peaked over the stone, suitable for royalty to have built. Would Michael’s room have been in the tower? Isn’t that how the fairy tales went?

  Snapping out of her pondering, she noticed the first odd thing since they had left the busy Freelance. There was a bush against the wall.

  Pulling her horse to a stop, Lindsay eyed the foliage. Why would there be a bush on the wall, in that exact spot, when there were no other plants anywhere else? JJ caught onto her thoughts, following her as she dismounted. A small smirk grew on her face as she knelt down beside it. Sure enough, right against the ground, a path had thinned the leaves and branches, just large enough for someone to comfortably crawl against the ground and through the convenient hole in the wall behind it.

  JJ joined her in a kneel, observing the clever escape route.

  “How much do you wanna bet that there’s a very similar setup on the Blue Kingdom wall?” Lindsay asked him.

  “What I wanna know is how no one ever noticed a random bush against the wall. I mean, they had to have put it here at some point.”

  “Right. They probably dug it up somewhere and put it here.” The dirt below the bush seemed mostly undisturbed, so the princes’ escapades weren’t a recent development. How long had Michael and Gavin been sneaking off together without notice?

  “This is some Romeo and Juliet crap going on right here.” JJ commented.

  “What, you think ran off because they love each other?” It did seem rather suspicious.

  “It does match up doesn’t it?” JJ plopped down to sit on the grass. “Two princes of rivaling kingdoms meet each other and it’s love at first sight.” He adopted a swooning look on his face. “Their fathers won’t let them be together, whatever shall they do? Perfect idea! Run off together, live in the woods. They won’t have their families or money, but at least they’ll have each other and shit. And they get to bang without worrying about getting caught.”

  Lindsay thought on that for a moment. It was entirely possible, even as silly as it sounded. She’d honestly never heard much of the two princes, so she didn’t have any basis to judge them on.

  “Well,” she said, standing up, “we’re not getting paid to figure out why they ran off, we’re getting paid to find them and bring them back.”

  “Supposedly.” JJ pointed out.

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “I mean, did anyone even mention money or rewards when thrusting us on this quest?” That made her go silent.

  It was true, nothing had been offered or discussed. In the fire of the moment, Lindsay hadn’t thought to ask about it. She’s not even sure if she could have interrupted the kings long enough to bring it up.

  “Well, they’ll have to give us something. We could probably sue if they didn’t.”

  “Can we afford a lawyer?”

  “Shut up. Besides, they seemed cool enough. I don’t think they’ll try any shit like not paying us.” JJ just shrugged.

  “I’ll take your word for it.”

  -

  “Why are we going this way again?”

  “I told you, it’s my knightly-instincts.”

  “I’m pretty sure that’s not a real thing. Like, 89 percent sure.”

  “You wouldn’t know, though, you’re not a knight.” A huff was all that she received in response.

  After their discovery of Prince Michael’s secret passage, they’d been a little stumped on what to do. Just because they’d located a means of escape didn’t mean they knew the means of travel or direction. The only thing Lindsay was sure of was that Michael and Gavin were on foot. A missing horse would have been too noticeable.

  The duo had taken a moment to analyze the map Lindsay had been given ages ago. It was an old, wrinkly thing, but it consistent and specific. Those two factors were really all that mattered to them. Most of the roads around the Red and Blue kingdoms were trade routes, often frequented by travelers and merchants. There was no way the princes would have taken one of them, which left them only one choice.

  There was a very convenient and little-known dirt path that led directly into the heart of the Rose Kingdom. Ever since Barbara had mentioned the place, it’d been present in the back of Lindsay’s mind. Something told her to head in that direction.

  “Are we there yet?” JJ whined.

  “Shut the hell up.” Lindsay responded without any vinegar. He gave an exasperated whine and went back to staring at the surrounding trees.

  She wasn’t entirely sure what to keep an eye out for. The trail looked completely out of use. They’d even managed to pass by the entrance when they sought it out because it was nearly overgrown. Still, while there weren’t any signs that someone had passed through recently, there also weren’t any signs that someone hadn’t. That made sense right?

  And so they continued down the path as the sun slowly moved overhead. It was still midday, but Lindsay wondered how long they would need to be on the move. The map indicated that it should only take a day or two to reach the Rose Kingdom, and hopefully they would find their princes before they reached the destination. She honestly had no clue where to look aside from their current objective. All lessons and teachings in tracking couldn’t help you when there isn’t much to find.

  She just hoped she could finish this quest. It was just the breakthrough she needed.

  -

  The search that day yielded nothing. They camped through the night, telling each other scary stories and throwing supplies at one another as they did every night they couldn’t find an inn to stay in. Though Lindsay worried a little about the princes having the extra time to be on the move, she would soon learn that her concerns were for naught.

  The sun was bright and shining the next day as the rode on. It was the perfect amount of light to point out something that made Lindsay pull to a stop there on the path.

  There was some trash littering the ground. Normally this wouldn’t bother her at all, the world was a fucking filthy place, but they had yet to see any signs that anyone traveled in front of them. Now the banana peels and other assorted dumpage lying in front of her horse proved differently. Not caring about JJ seeing, Lindsay very sophisticatedly pumped her fist in the air in triumph.

  “Classy.” He commented.

  “I bet you, like, my unofficial knighthood that this rubbish is from our conquests.”

  “Conquests?”

  “Conquests.”

  She hopped off of her horse, giving a fish bone a nudge with her foot. While the items lying around didn’t quite qualify as ‘a lot’, she could see them coming from two people. Two people who were conveniently fairly far from society and wouldn’t necessarily have a place to dump their trash.

  Lindsay couldn't’ fight a wrinkle of her nose. She hoped that they’d found somewhere else to dump their excrement.

  “You know,” JJ stated, staring into the trees, “there’s a very suspicious looking, treeless area right here. One might even say it looks treaded upon.”

  “Treaded upon?”

  “Don’t mock me, Tuggey.” Still, she walked over to him. Sure enough, the trees thinned out, forming a grassy walkway that lead away from the original dirt one. While it definitely wasn’t as worn, it was pretty clear that people had walked through there at several points in time.

  “JJ, we are such geniuses.”

  “Are we? Or are we just lucky?”

  “Why not both?” She grabbed the reins of her horse and took off down the path, knowing that her companion would be right behind her.

  -

  Even on foot, the path didn’t take very long to traverse at all.  The trees had slowly begun to thin out, so the duo kept their eyes to the ground. As JJ had pointed out, it looked as though someone had been walking along this way very often; that, or a large group had passed through recently. Lindsay felt it in her gut, though, that this path was from their missing princes.

  Soon enough, the path led them to a clearing. Even more interesting was the super-obvious tree house that was set rather precariously on top of the largest tree just on the edge of it.

  “Well, that looks interesting.” She stated. “Think anyone’s home?”

  “No!” A voice yelled from the tree house, followed by a sharp ‘smack’ sound. Lindsay couldn’t fight her snort of laughter.

  “Gavin, you piece of shit! I told you this hiding place wouldn’t work.” Another voice hissed, only barely audible through the rough boards. Walking closer, she couldn’t see any specific way to climb up. There were no branches low enough to grab or any convenient ladders hanging down.

  Beside her JJ was kindly tying a grappling hook to a rope.

  “Michael.” The first voice whined.

  Lindsay backed up a bit before taking the hook and looking for a good spot to throw it. So focused had she been on the branches, the arrow that hit the ground between her feet scared the absolute shit out of her.

  “What the hell was that for?” She laid her eyes for the first time on what had to be Prince Gavin, suddenly stood on top of the rickety building. His lanky form contrasted with the firm stance he used to hold another arrow in place, this one pointed directly at her face.

  “What do you mean?! You’re the one trying to break into our house!”

  “It’s not a house, it’s a shitty shack in a tree.” The second voice said, it’s owner peaking into view from a hatch on the roof.

  “It’s a work in progress!” Gavin protested, unbudging.

  At this point Lindsay had lost interest in the threat of the weapon. Prince Michael had stood-up beside his fellow Prince and, she had to admit, he was pretty hot.

  “Who the fuck are you?” He demanded, taking a stance beside the archer. She decided that there probably wouldn’t be a better time for an introduction.

  “Knight Lindsay Tuggey, at your service.” She said with a bow, because she’d been raised with some fucking manners.

  “And you?” Gavin re-aimed his arrow at JJ, who quickly startled up from his casual position against the horse.

  “Jose Jones the Valiant, though some call me JJ the Handsome.”

  “Pft, he wishes.” She got an elbow to the side for that, which only added to her amusement when JJ hissed at the new pain in his arm. Armor was a fucking awesome thing to have.

  “Yeah, well, what do you want?” Prince Michael demanded. Both of them were still wearing their princely-garb, in the designated colors. The sun provided a nice shine that brought her attention to a large sword that appeared to be strapped to Prince Michael’s back. She wouldn’t want to be caught on the wrong end of that.

  “Your fathers have hired us to find your sorry asses and drag them back home.” JJ supplied.

  “‘Fathers’?” Gavin questioned, finally lowering his bow.

  “Yep.” Lindsay answered. “You should see what shit they’ve been getting into. Come down here and we’ll explain it to you.”

  -

Gavin blinked.

  “Really?” He asked. The four of them were gathered around a small campfire in the middle of the clearing.

  “Yep.” JJ said, “They’ve even gone as far as to mix and match clothes. You should see some of the fashion crimes that your guys’ people have been committing. Lindsay left me alone with them and they tried to get me to change to match them. It was traumatizing.”

  “And your dads are being civil towards each other.” Lindsay added, “They were even finishing each other’s sentences. It was weird as fuck, dude.”

  “Yeah, but that’s kind of what we always expected would happen, though.” The archer said. “Not the clothes thing, that’s just bloody queer, but they never bothered to pull their heads out of their asses.”

  “While scaring them into cooperation wasn’t the plan when we decided to leave, it’s definitely a nice side-effect.” Michael grinned. “Even though I had to share a bed with fucking Gavin like we were banging or something.”

  “Wait, you mean you guys aren’t banging?” JJ jumped. The two men gave him strange looks.

  “Us? Banging?” Michael said with a laugh. “Have you seen his nose? Hell no.”

  “But, Michael.” Gavin pouted.

  “We didn’t run off for stupid, love reasons.” The warrior continued on. “I know that we may look like idiots, but we’re not that ridiculous.”

  “Well, why did you run off then?” JJ asked. At that the princes’ faces changed to look a little downtrodden.

  “We wanted to look for Ray.” Gavin answered. That didn’t help Lindsay at all.

  “Who’s Ray?”

  “Are you kidding me?” Michael asked, incredulously.

  “Yes, because I get shits and giggles out of asking who people are.” She deadpanned.

  “Ray’s our friend!” Gavin helped, “He’s the prince of the Rose Kingdom but he suddenly disappeared a few days ago.”

  “Wasn’t he made an outlaw or something?” That’s what Barbara had told her earlier.

  “Yep.” Michael confirmed. “Strange shit has been going on over there, so something fishy’s gotta be up.”

  “Care to clarify on the ‘strange shit’? We know some of it, but not everything” Lindsay said, giving the fire a stir with a stick.

  “What, have you guys been living under a rock?” Michael gave them a judgemental look.

  “Michael,” Gavin reprimanded, “not everyone lives in a castle.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Anyways, it all started, like, two years ago I think. In the Haywood Kingdom, there was this King, King Ryan.”

  “Mad King Ryan?” JJ raised an eyebrow.

  “He wasn’t mad!” Gavin defended. “That was just plain gossip that went around!”

  “Shut up and let me finish you idiots.” Michael hissed. “Anyway, he was a pretty good king. Did the shit that he was supposed to do and then some. But he had this advisor named Gus. Now, Gus was a freaking piece of work, supposedly. The story goes that he apparently caught King Ryan doing witchcraft, the bad shit like raising the dead and stuff.” Lindsay scoffed.

  “Is that even possible?”

  “Probably not. But apparently King Ryan used witchcraft to murder one of his friends. He was driven out of the kingdom and people are still trying to hunt him down to this day.”

  “Why would he want to murder his friend?” She asked.

  “Exactly! And they never found the body either, so I claim bullshit.”

  “And then Gus just sort of took over the Haywood Kingdom.” Gavin added. “And it kind of went communist from there on out.”

  “Now, apparently Gus is some long-lost relative of Ray, some bull like that. When the King of the Rose Kingdom went into a coma, Gus dove in and tried to claim that kingdom also. There’s been a lot of pushing back and forth on who has the right to take the throne while the king is incapacitated. While Ray has direct lineage, Gus has the experience and a fucking army to back him up. Which is why it’s super fucking shady that Ray is fucking declared an outlaw out of the blue.” Gavin spoke up.

  “That’s why we’re looking for him. There’s gotta be loads of people after him, so we’ve gotta find him and protect him!”

  “And how were you two simple fellas planning on doing that?” Lindsay raised her eyebrow. She received sheepish looks in reply.

  “Well, we were kind of…” Michael began. Gavin took over.

  “Gonna try and find Mad Witch Ryan.” A few moments of silence followed before JJ broke it.

  “Let me get this straight. You guys were gonna try to find someone who is usually preceded by the word ‘mad’, who is currently suspected of murdering someone? So that you can track down someone who is wanted between two kingdoms?”

  “I’m in!” Lindsay jumped her feet, because being dramatical was right down her alley.

  “What, are you nuts?” JJ protested.

  “It sounds like fun!”

  “It sounds like you guys are gonna get yourselves killed.”

  “Why are you talking like you’re not going to be coming along with us?” JJ fell silent for a moment.

  “Fine.” He grumbled. “But this doesn’t mean I gotta like it.”

  “You’re gonna like it.” She grinned down at him. Michael and Gavin rose to their feet.

  “So, wait, you’re helping us now?” Gavin questioned.

  “Weren’t you supposed to be dragging us back to our dads?”

  “Tracking down a witch sounds like way more fun. Besides, what kind of night would I be if I didn’t help out damsels in distress?” That brought scoffs from the two boys, but no protests.

  “So, what’s the plan?”

  -

  It was only a short hour later that they were loading the horses for the four of them. While the Princes hadn’t quite packed adequately for their failed duo adventure, they did have some good supplies that were added to what Lindsay and JJ had. After double-checking the saddles, because JJ had a habit of letting his slide right off, Lindsay hopped onto her horse.

  She offered Michael her hand, which he accepted with a grumpy look (she was beginning to think that his face had gotten stuck like that as a child). With a strong pull and a swing, he was seated on the horse behind her.

  “I don’t see why I can’t ride in front.” Lindsay snorted at that.

  “First of all, I wouldn’t be able to see over your head.” He was just a little taller than her. “Second, I think I can trust you not to fall off the freaking horse.”

  She looked toward JJ, seeing that Gavin had situated in comfortably behind her assistant. It was a good thing that the princes hadn’t had a lot of supplies on them (though she cringed at the thought of them running off without the proper materials). Any more people or packages and their horses would have refused to move.

  Still, even with the urging of their riders, it took a few moments for the animals to get going. Then, they had set off through the forest, away from the original dirt path. Michael’s arms wrapped around her waist to keep him steady. Lindsay couldn’t feel it through the armor, so she wondered exactly how tight he was holding on. She’d love to have more to tease him about.

  He had to be familiar with horses, though. Weren’t princes trained from birth for that kind of stuff?

  “So…,” She started conversationally, “Come here often?”

  “You seriously don’t have anything better than that?”

  “Absolutely not.” That at least got her a small chuckle.

  “Not really. Gavin and I just found that shitty tree house one day when we were hanging out.”

  “Did you guys sneak out often?”

  “You’re still making it sound like a shitty romance story. But yeah, we met one day when we fucking around outside of the walls. At first we kept meeting up just cause we liked the thought of pissing off our dads, but he’s not actually that bad once you get to know him.” Behind them, she could hear Gavin and JJ having a rather exasperated-sounding conversation.

  “Yeah, I bet.” Lindsay said with a laugh. To her delight he joined in with her.

  “He’s a pretty interesting sort of person.”

  “Are you as interesting?”

  “That’s kind of personal, don’t you think?”

  “I don’t know, man, you are wrapped around my back.”

  “‘That is true.”

  “And literally all I know about you is that you ran off and are trying to find Ray. What’s your favorite color?”

  “What kind of question is that?”

  “One you should answer.”

  “Yellow. What’s yours?”

  “Brown.”

  “Brown is lame. What kind of favorite color is brown?”

  “Fuck off. What’s your favorite food?

  -

  Their game of twenty questions continued for quite awhile. It even became somewhat of a competition to come up with the most interesting question between the two. It was because of this, Lindsay attributed, that they didn’t notice the trouble until they’d literally walked right into it.

  “So if you were on an island and-”

  Michael’s words were cut off as they stepped into the clearing and the horses immediately halted. An odd feeling seemed to fill the air, and Lindsay could easily guess that the others were feeling it too.

  “What the hell?” Michael whispered. “What is this place?” Lindsay didn’t want to answer. She felt as though speaking would disturb whatever sort of atmosphere had settled over the area. The four of them continued to be still.

  This had to be magic of some sort, she decided. The closest thing she could relate to this feeling was when magicians would travel through her village when she was young and entertain them with thrilling tricks and silly spells.

  It was then that she noticed the mushrooms surrounding the clearing. In fact, they’d stepped right over some of them before they’d stopped walking. The fungus went all the way around in a nearly perfect circle. A fairy ring.

  “Well, shit.” She mumbled.

  “Shit indeed.” A new voice echoed. And just like that the spell was broken as all of them jumped out of their skins.

  “What was that?!” Gavin whined.

  “Up here, geniuses.”

  With that remark, four pairs of eyes looked up to the source of the voice. The small figure that hovered there had to be a fairy, but the mustache and lack of sparkle threw them off.

  “Are you supposed to be a fairy or something?” JJ asked.

  “Of course I am, your dumbass.” The tiny figure glared at them while floating closer. “You fuckers stepped into my fairy ring, what were expecting?”

  “Honestly?” Lindsay said, “A little bit of a light show and less facial hair. And it’s not like we're planning on defiling your shrooms, we just weren’t watching where we were going.”

  “Humans and their stereotypes.” The fairy shook his head, disappointed. “And I’m supposed to trust you idiots to save some kingdoms.”

  “How do you know about that!” Michael hissed, his grip on Lindsay’s waist tightening.

  “Fairies know things. And, sadly, I’m supposed to help you guys out. Geoff the Fairy, at your service.” He gave little bow, somehow sarcastically, from the air.

  “Hello Geoff the Fairy.” Lindsay greeted. “I am Knight Lindsay Tuggey. Now, how are you gonna help us out?” There was hard-to-hear grumbling about ungrateful humans before he answered.

  “Take this.” A small pouch materialized out of nowhere in front of him. “Open it when shit starts going to hell.” A small toss later and Lindsay caught it in her hands. It was just small enough to rest comfortably in her palm.

  “Define ‘hell’?” She looked up, but Geoff was gone.

  “Well…” JJ drawled. “That was interesting.

  “Interesting indeed.” She gave the pouch another look. Not knowing what it was capable of made her wary of it, but if a fairy had given it to her, than it couldn’t be that bad? Everything she’d heard about fairy rings growing up pretty much amounted to ‘it’ll turn out either horrible or wonderful’. He had said that he was supposed to help them, though. And a little pouch causing them harm probably wouldn’t be considered helpful. After the consideration, she tied the strings of it to her hip for easy access.

  “Well, now that that’s over, shall we get going again?” Lindsay smiled at the group.

  -

  The lair of the ‘Mad Witch’ was a lot closer than Lindsay thought it was going to be. Like, obnoxiously, conviently close.

  They’d followed the route that Michael and Gavin were originally going to take to a craggy looking area just before the border between the Rose and Haywood Kingdoms. This was where he, according to rumors, had settled down after being chased by angry mobs for a while.

  “I’m not seeing any homey-looking shacks or huts around here.” Lindsay commented, swinging off of the horse. She smiled happily when Michael accepted her hand to help him down.

  “He’s a witch,” Gavin walked over to them, JJ close behind, “do you really think he’d live somewhere as boring as a hut?”

  “I don’t know, I don’t know witches.” She took the reins of both horses and tied them securely to one of the last trees in the area. “I don’t see any spooky-looking towers, either.”

  “Let’s just split up for a bit, I’m sure we’ll find something.” And, sure enough, that’s what they did.

  As she climbed over the rocks, Lindsay thought on what exactly she had gotten herself into. She was looking for a witch so they could find an outlawed prince. What were gonna do after that? Go confront this Gus? What else would they do once they’d found Ray?

  What was her life.

  “Uh, guys?” She heard JJ call, “This rock has a window.” A window?

  As she jogged to where she’d heard her assistant, she did indeed see a window. Near the top of a large rock formation, way too high for them to even hope of reaching, was a small, circular window.

  “Well, that’s not suspicious.” Michael muttered.

  “How are we supposed to get up there?” Gavin pondered. “Do you think he’s home?”

  “Well, it’s not like we can knock.” JJ said.

  Lindsay looked around her feet before picking up a good-sized rock, quickly hurling it at the glass window. It didn’t shatter as she had hoped, but the resounding bang had to have alerted someone.

  “Jesus Christ, Lindsay.” Michael jumped, giving her a glare.

  “Resorting to caveman efforts are we?” JJ raised an eyebrow.

  “What?” Lindsay defended, “We need to get his attention somehow.”

  “I could have just nocked an arrow, you know.” Gavin whined.

  “Yeah, but that wouldn’t have made as much noise.” Lindsay defended, “That, and I’ve always wanted to try smashing a window.”

  “‘Try’ being the key word in that sentence.” Michael grumbled. Lindsay shoved his shoulder.

  “That was a class A throw, Mogar, the glass must be-,” She was cut off as the window suddenly flew open.

  “What the hell do you guys want now!?” A voice shouted before the corresponding head appeared through the opening. A moment of silence by both parties followed.

  “Well,” the Mad Witch rested his chin on his hand, “you guys don’t appear to be an angry mob.”

  “Do you get those a lot around these parts?” Gavin asked.

  “You’d be surprised.” The mad witch said, no humor present.

  “You’re Ryan the Mad Witch guy then?”

  “Who else would you find around these parts?”

  “Oh.” Michael stepped forward.

  “Yo, we need to ask for your help.”

  “Help? How could I possibly help you?”

  “You know that fucker, Gus?”

  “Trust me, I do know that fucker.”

  “Well he’s fucking with the Rose Kingdom and we need your help to find Prince Ray so we can bring him down.” The witch seemed to consider his words for a few moments.

  “I’m in.” He said before disappearing from the window.

  “A man after my own heart.” Lindsay sighed, touching her hand to her chest.

  “Crazy people who don’t know what they’re getting into?” JJ muttered. Just then, there was a small rumbling sound, complete with the ground beneath their feet lightly shaking. Before they could say anything, however, a large chunk of the rock in front them suddenly crumbled into thousands of tiny pebbles that slowed to a stop before they could so much as tap any of them. In the opening that was left behind stood the Mad Witch Ryan.

  “Well, you guys might as well come in.” He said, before dramatically turning around and walking away with a swish of his cape.

  “Gotta give him points for presentation.” Lindsay joked as she led the group inside. It was a lot nicer than you would have expected for the innards of a rock.  Magical looking trinkets and objects were arranged around the room, which, to her concern, immediately attracted the attention of JJ and the Blue Prince. The entire thing was hollowed out and made somewhat cozy with actual walls and flooring. Well, if you could call the glass floor below them that was containing a cow ‘cozy’.

  “Why is there a cow in a hole under your floor?” Gavin voiced, looking strangely at the creature below them.

  “He’s in there for his protection! Did you guys think you were the first ones to throw rocks at my cute, little window?”

  The group watched in amusement as Ryan thumped his foot against the glass, triggering a part of it to slide open, and a set of stairs to simply appear under it. Strangely enough, the cow immediately trotted up the stairs, pushing its head against the witch’s hand like some sort of pet.

  “How the hell did you manage to train a cow like that.” Gavin wondered. While Lindsay wasn’t too thrilled about him attracting the attention of the witch (even though he wasn’t exactly what she had been expecting), she was glad he’d stopped poking around at the potentially dangerous surroundings.

  “And shouldn’t witches have, like, a pet crow or something?” Michael stepped up beside his friend. It was at that point that Lindsay realised that her charges were standing in front of her and, as a result of that, in front of a witch that she still wasn’t sure if they could trust yet. Goddamn it.

  “I believe that the stereotype is actually a raven.” At least JJ was staying back where he was supposed to be. One less head to worry about.

  Now, how could she put herself between the princes and danger without being horribly obvious about it?

  “Edgar’s not a pet,” Ryan protested, sealing up the floor once more, “I ran into him after some… events happened and he just kinda followed me. I couldn’t get him to leave and he sorta grew on me.”

  “Was that before or after you named him?” Snickered Gavin. Lindsay nearly sighed with relief when the older man simply rolled his eyes.

  “Well, I couldn’t just call him ‘cow’ all the time, could I? That’d get old fast.”

  “We should probably get to the point of why we’re here.” Lindsay pointed out, finally stepping to the front of the group. “You know, that fucker we were talking about? It’s a pretty interesting story.”

  And that’s how the group of four ended up sitting at a mad witch’s table telling stories over a few cups of tea and some tasty scones.

  “Gus is such an asshole.” Ryan set his tea, not too gently mind you, on the table.

  “I know, right?” Lindsay joined in on the tea slamming.

  “So what exactly is the plan here?”

  “Well, if we have your help, we were just gonna raid him and probably take his shit.” Ryan raised an eyebrow at that.

  “And how were you guys not going to get killed somewhere in there?” Gavin’s sheepish face returned.

  “We were kind of gonna make it up as we go along.” Sitting beside Ryan on the floor, Edgar gave a condescending ‘moo’.

  “Don’t you judge us cow.” Michael grumbled.

  “Well, between the five of us we’re sure to come up with a plan somehow, right?” Lindsay, ever the optimist, pointed out.

  “That, or we’ll die trying.” Ryan was a pessimist then.

  “It’s not like we have anything to lose?” JJ said, doubtfully.

  “Right.” Ryan stood up. “Let’s head out then.”

  “But we don’t have room on our horses for you. Do you have a horse hidden around here somewhere?” Lindsay followed him.

  “Hey, you’d be surprised how well you can ride a cow.”

  -

  “You look fucking ridiculous man.” Michael commented for what had to be the fifth time that hour. Ryan just hummed along in agreement from his perch on top of Edgar.

  Lindsay had to admit, she was almost a little jealous. That cow had been behaving way better than any horse she’d ever ridden. It seemed happy to just be along for the journey, and didn’t even require any prodding or nudging to know where to go. All Ryan had to say was ‘go right a little’ and the cow would happily obey. What kind of cow could understand humans? She’d chalked it up to some sort of magic that she would probably never understand.

  They’d been traveling for a little while already, having entered the borders of the Rose Kingdom soon after they’d taken off. Already, wanted posters plastered with Prince Ray’s face were posted to trees all around, putting Gavin and Michael in a grumpy mood at seeing the treatment of their friend.

  Lindsay was suddenly aware of a sound in the distance.

  “Wait, stop.” She warned, as they all brought their steeds to a halt.

  “What is that?” JJ whispered. It sounded like a constant thunder that was steadily coming closer.”

  “Oh, shit. That’d be another group of riders.” Ryan hissed. “A large one by the sound of it.” Lindsay quickly looked around for somewhere for them to hide.

  “Look, see those vines hanging down over there? That looks like a cave entrance.” She jumped off the horse, quickly grabbing the reins of both the horses to pull them toward the lichen.

  “This is a super suspicious and convenient cave.” Ryan pointed out, but still he followed right behind them into the hiding place.

  As Lindsay parted the vines, she found that it wasn’t just a cave that they had entered, but a tunnel. There was a light signifying the exit in the distance. Ryan was right, this was way too convenient.

  But yolo.

  “Come on, the farther we get away, the safer we’ll probably be.”

  “‘Probably’ is the key word in that sentence.” Michael said, but made no protests as they made their way through the tunnel.

  What they found on the other end was of the likes she had expected when they were looking for Ryan. They appeared to have found a small, carved out valley in the surrounding rock walls. Lush greenery and flowers made up the ground, leading up to the main feature right in the center. A tall, rather precarious looking, tower was erected. It’s gold coloring reflected in the evening sun, making it somewhat of an eyesore to stare at for too long.

All five members of the group let out sighs at the sight.

  “I just wanna find Ray, not silly looking towers.” Gavin grumbled.

  “Well, maybe Ray’s hanging out around here? We could ask if anyone’s seen him.” Lindsay said.

  “Yes, because someone living in a garish tower would notice an outlaw and keep it to themselves.” Michael argued. Lindsay just assumed this had to do with the common relation between men and asking for directions.

  “Hey, there’s a sign here.” JJ, having dismounted, pointed out. “‘Pattillo the Beard’s tower, do not disturb.’”

  “Well, now we gotta disturb them obviously.” Lindsay said as the rest of the group joined them on the ground. Ryan approached the tower’s base, which was a contrasting black color, to look up at the single window that adorned the tower.

  “Pattillo, Pattillo, let down your long beard!” He cried. Behind him, the two princes laughed at his efforts.

  “Do you really think that’s gonna work you moron?” Snickered Michael. Ryan shrugged.

  “It was worth a try.” They all jumped when a voice actually answered the yell.

  “Hey, could you guys get me down from here?” Five pairs of eyes looked up to see man, and his rather long and thick beard, hanging out of the window.

  “I thought we weren’t supposed to disturb you!” JJ yelled.

  “Is that what that sign says? That asshole Gus kidnapped me and locked me up here.”

  “One of us.” Ryan chanted under his breath.

  “Uh, we’ll try to figure out how to get you down!” Lindsay called. Quieter, she asked, “How the hell do we get him down?”

  “We have the grappling hook, but I don’t think any of use can throw that high.” JJ said.

  “Why the hell do you guys have a grappling hook?” Michael asked.

  “Long story.”

  “Maybe I can give it a boost? I might know a few spells that could work.” Ryan added.

  “It’s worth a try.” Lindsay said.

  With that, JJ grabbed her the hook that was still tied securely from earlier. Lindsay stood at what she would have thought was a good position if she was normally graced with the ability to throw that high. Ryan stood a few feet behind her.

  “Now, how is this gonna work?”

  “Just, throw as you normally would. Picture it like you know you’re gonna throw it that high.” Still skeptical, Lindsay pulled the hook behind her head, preparing to launch. A quick glance showed Ryan doing the same motion, but with his hands glowing a light pink as he murmured some words under his breath. That wasn’t creepy at all.

  Lindsay refocused on the task at hand. She took a deep inhale. She let it out. And she launched the hook.

  Sure enough, the hook took on the same pink glow and continued a strong sail right up the window before catching snuggly on the top of the window sill. As Lindsay stared in awe, Ryan kindly grabbed the end of the rope and tied it securely to a nearby rock.

  The man in the tower didn’t wait long before sliding down the rope to meet them. If Ryan hadn’t been standing nearby, he probably would have crashed face-first into the dirt. Luckily for him, he landed in a handsome, and blushing, Mad Witch’s arms.

  “Thanks dude!” The man said, brushing down his clothes. Now that he was closer, Lindsay could see that his beard must be much longer than it seemed. It was carefully braided so that it didn’t touch the ground. Had it been let down, she was sure it would have dragged on for yards behind him. “Jack Pattillo, at your service.” He have a little bow.

  “Knight Lindsay Tuggey, at yours.”

  -

  After explaining their journey to Jack, who turned out to be high-ranking member of the Rose Kingdom’s court, he was more than happy to join them on their quest. It would sure be helpful having someone around who actually knew the area.

  “Yeah, I think he found out that I’d been looking around for Ray and felt really threatened.” Jack finished from his seat behind Ryan. “So he locked me up. I was only up there for a few days, but it was really fucking annoying.”

  “I bet.” Gavin commented. “I could barely stay in the kingdom for a day let alone one room in a tower.”

  At that moment they passed carefully through the vines that they’d used for concealment earlier. While they couldn’t see anyone around, that didn’t mean that group from earlier wasn’t close by.

  “So where are we going Jack?” Lindsay asked.

  “Well, Gus had been traveling around the kingdom with his own group of knights trying to find Ray. I bet you that was the group that you guys heard earlier.”

  With that remark, they decided it would be better to go on foot for a while. The horses were tied up just inside the tunnel to keep them out of harm’s way, but the cow was being a lot more stubborn.

  “He won’t make any noise or anything.” Ryan defended as Edgar nuzzled into his side. “He’s a good cow, he knows what’s up.” JJ walked up and gave the cow a pat on the head.

  “Yeah, he’s been good so far. I don’t see why he would cause any problems now.” With that remark, Edgar left his master’s side in favor of JJ.

  “Traitor.” Ryan remarked without any scorn.

  “Come on,” Gavin pushed them, “We gotta find that group before we lose them.”

  It turned out that Gavin’s concerns had been for nothing. The group had only walked for a few minutes before they nearly walked right into the camp of one Gus Sorola. They hid carefully in the brush around the clearing that they’d settled in to observe.

  It was surprisingly a very small camp. It consisted of what looked to be a few knights, a dozen servants and, judging by the fancy getup that was the main tent, the asshole himself.

  “Yeah, not a lot of people actually support him.” Jack said when Lindsay voiced her thoughts. “Everyone’s just too afraid to do anything about it.”

  Suddenly, Lindsay got her first view of the infamous Gus as he burst from his tent. He was clothed in jewels and shiny crown, but underneath that he wasn’t much to look at. With his cape dragging along the floor, he approached a servant that seemed to be holding up a large mirror. To her surprise, the face that reflected off it was not Gus.

  “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the most MLG of them all?” He proclaimed.

  “Oh my god.” Both Michael and Lindsay’s hands collided as they smacked against Gavin’s mouth, and they stayed there to muffle the whines that followed.

  “This guy is a piece of work.” Michael mumbled.

  “Tell me about it.” Ryan sighed. Gavin yanked the hands from his mouth.

  “Weren’t you the one that hired him?”

  “Hey, the court assigned him, thank you very much.”

  “Shhh…” Lindsay hissed. The face in the mirror had begun speaking.

  “Well, the thing is…” The voice petered out.

  “What is it now?!” Gus yelled. The face gulped.

  “It’s… still Ray, my lord.”

  “You mean that son of a bitch isn’t dead yet!?”

  “That fucking piece of shit.” This time it was Lindsay's hand covering Michael’s mouth. She was lucky that he was pissed to the point of near-bristling, being smacked with an armor-covered arm probably didn’t feel very good. Gavin had simply stiffened, but the struggle to stay quiet was visible on his face.

  “I told you.” Ryan murmured with only a hint of gloating, “He’s only in it for the land and the power and he’ll do anything to get it.”

  “Obviously.” Jack grumbled.

  Lindsay ignored these last few comment in favor of trying to come up with a plan. Gus was right there, they might as well do something about it right now.

  “What do you guys think about yoloing it?” She whispered.

  “Is that even a word?” Ryan commented.

  “Shut up. I’m in.” Michael hissed.

  “Me too.” Gavin said.

  “Wait a minute, wait a minute.” JJ protested. “You guys wanna just run in their guns blazing without a plan of any sort?”

  “Yep.” Lindsay nodded.

  “Why not?” Jack brought up.

  “We still have the sack that Geoff gave us. He said to use it when everything goes to hell, and everything is pretty much gonna go to hell.” Lindsay said. JJ sighed at her words.

  “What is my life…”

  “Alright, on the count of three we all step out as dramatically and badass-looking as we can. Got it?” A quiet chorus of ‘got it’s followed.

  “1...2...3!”

  What Lindsay absolutely was not expecting was for another group to join them in their assault. Right as their merry band stepped out, another group jumped out on the other side of the clearing. They had to be dwarves judging by their heights. But heading them up was…

  “Ray!” Michael and Gavin cheered happily.

  “Hey, what are you losers doing here?” Prince Ray laughed as though he wasn’t currently pointing a sword at someone.

  “Trying to rescue you, you dolt!” Gavin was currently pointing one of his arrows at the man in the center of the clearing.

  That brought Lindsay’s attention back to Gus. She really wish she had a camera on her, because he looked like he was about to shit his pants.

  “I give up.” He said, putting his hands in the air. Everyone gave questioning blinks at that.

  “Seriously?” Michael questioned.

  “Yeah. You guys have me outnumbered. I’m not fighting a fight I’m gonna lose.”

  “But I didn’t get to use the weird pouch.” Lindsay pouted, pulling said pouch from it’s place on her hip.

  “After all the hell you put us through?!” Ryan yelled. “You’re not even gonna put up a fight?”

  “Yep.” Gus said. And with that he laid on the ground, curling up around himself.

  “You pathetic piece of shit.” Ray groaned, lowering his weapon.

  “But the pouch!” Lindsay whined. Michael walked up to her.

  “Well, pull it anyway. See what it does.”

  “Uh, I wouldn’t if I were you.” Ryan protested. “You don’t know what it-” But Lindsay had already pulled the string. As thick smoke suddenly filled the entire clearing, Lindsay realized that she probably shouldn’t have activated it while being so close to Ryan and Michael.

  As the smoke cleared, she realized exactly what the bag had done. Both Michael and Ryan were suddenly levitated very high up in the air. A moment later, they were quickly plummeting to the ground. But Lindsay only had eyes for Michael.

  This is your chance, Tuggey, don’t fuck it up.

  She darted forward and stuck out her arms. For a moment, she could have sworn that she’d managed to save an elephant instead of the prince. Her arms were going to fall off, no doubt about it. Kiss her knighthood goodbye. Then, she pulled her arms upward with all of her might, only just managing to avoid falling forward with the weight.

  After a moment, she steadied and opened her eyes, which she hadn’t realized that she had closed. Michael was draped in her arms, giving her a look of bewilderment.

  Fucking nailed it.

  “Hell yeah.” She said out loud.

  “You idiot!” Michael yelled, face flushed.

  “I’ve never felt closer to you!” She laughed in his face.

  “Um, Ryan’s still in the air.” Jack commented from behind them.

  The two of them looked up to see his words confirmed. Ryan was floating in the air above them with his own abilities, giving her a disapproving look.

  “Aren’t you guys gonna kiss or something?”

  “Uh…” She and Michael shared a look.

  “I’m down if your down?” Lindsay tried.

  “Sure, why not?” And with, she returned Michael to his feet before promptly pulling him into a kiss.

  “Why don’t I have anyone to smooch?” JJ grumbled from behind them. Lindsay broke it off to give him a look.

  “You do have Edgar.” Michael gestured to the cow with arm while swinging the other around Lindsay’s shoulders. The cow stood next to her assistant looking happy at the situation.

  “Oh, Edgar!” JJ fell to his knees dramatically, smushing his face against the cow’s. “You can be my knight in shining armor any day!

  The others laughed as he placed a kiss on the cow’s nose, only to fall silent as Edgar burst into a cloud of smoke, quite similar to what had filled the clearing earlier. JJ fell back on his butt, mouth agape as a figure, humanoid, appeared through the haze. Michael broke the quiet.

  “What the fuck.”

  “Blaine!” Ryan exclaimed, rushing forward to embrace the man. “How the hell did you get turned into a cow?” The man laughed, happily returning the embrace.

  “Gus did it! That’s how he was able to accuse you of murdering me.” Still lying on the ground under the careful watch of Ray and his dwarves, Gus looked very grumpy.

  “Hey, now we have proof that you’re innocent!” Gavin laughed.

  JJ still sat on the ground, gawking.

  “Why is he shirtless?!”

  And everyone laughed because that was just how their lives worked.

  -

  And that was the story of how Knight Lindsay Tuggey (sort of) saved the lands from evil. The feud between the kingdoms of Red and Blue was ended due to the careless actions of the princes. While the fathers and villagers would still bicker constantly, there was a sort of companionship in the actions. With Gus’s surrender came the cure to Rose King’s coma, returning him and Prince Ray to rule those lands once more with Jack’s return to the court. Blaine’s return to his human state brought the people back into Ryan’s favor, and he returned to the throne with his friend by his side (even said friend still had a habit of eating grass sometimes).

  Geoff the Fairy was never heard from again, but Lindsay swore that she could hear his laughter on their trip back to Freelance. Upon their return, she was hailed as a hero and quickly sworn in as a knight of both the Red and Blue kingdoms. Instead of looking for adventure, adventure usually found Official Knight Lindsay Tuggey and JJ the Squire. Princes Michael and Gavin were often dragged along for the ride, and all four of them enjoyed it.

  Some might say that they lived happily ever after.