Partnering: None

Type: Not quite fluff but just a silly little adventure

Mockumentary AU

Summary: Detective Piastri is on the case when the best coffee machine on the grid (the one in the Ferrari Hospitality Unit) suddenly and mysteriously breaks... leaving a long list of suspects.

Warnings: swearing (if I've missed any please let me know and I'll add them!)

F1 Masterlist

“I was never even in the Ferrari hospitality, why would I be? I’m a Williams driver now-”

“What do you have to say to this footage of you entering Ferrari hospitality the day of the incident?”

It cut to footage on a security camera outside of the Ferrari hospitality unit, a shadowy figure entering in the early morning before anybody else was around and leaving approximately ten minutes later.

The hood gets pulled down by a gust of wind and it is revealed that the person under the hood is… Carlos Sainz.

“I- uh,”He stumbles for a moment, but finally looks to the side with his jaw clenched. “You don’t understand, that machine is, was, the best on the grid. It made espresso like my abuela.”

“So you were in Ferrari hospitality the day of the incident? You were lying?”

“I wasn’t lying per say. I mean, who would admit to being in the same place something turned up broken?” Carlos asked rhetorically before sighing.“I didn’t do it, I promise.”

“You said you saw someone in the Ferrari hospitality unit just an hour before the incident allegedly occurred? Can you elaborate?”

“You didn’t hear this from me, but…” Esteban Ocon looked down to his intertwined hands, looking up with a slightly smirk. “Lewiswas hanging around, looking at the coffee machine like it owed him something. Do with that what you will.”

“Isn’t it a little suspicious that right after you join Ferrari, the coffee machine turns up broken?”

“Look, I only go in the hospitality area for Roscoe; and last I checked he isn’t drinking coffee” Lewis Hamilton rolled his eyes, already bored after answering one question.

“Well, Esteban said that you looked suspicious”

“Esteban wants me to buy him a drink for a bet I didn’t agree to- he is framing me, man!” Lewis moved his hands around as if that was going to help his point.

“Is it a coincidence that right after your old teammate joins Ferrari, the coffee machine ends up broken?”

“What are you trying to say here? That I broke it or that Lewis did it?” George Russell squinted his eyes as he tried to look around the camera to look at the interviewer (though everyone knew who it was by the voice alone).

“Did you break it? Maybe out of spite?”

“I’m British, I drink tea, and I especially wouldn’t touch anything from Ferrari of all places” George rolled his eyes, as if the idea was atrocious to begin with.

“Everyone says it’s the best, though”

“It really feels like you’re trying to frame me here, so we’re done” He gets up and walks away, pushing the door to the outside open dramatically as everyone in the room just watched.

“There’s been talk that someone has been awfully quiet since this all happened, any comments on that?”

“Not naming names or pointing fingers, but Max has been real quiet since this whole thing began, and we all know about ‘Maxplaining’” Pierre Gasly leant close- almost as if he was telling a secret.

“Pierre says you’ve been uncharacteristically quiet- any comments on that?”

“He said that? I don’t need coffee; I drink Red Bull. Thank you very much, and can someone tell me where Pierre is?” Max Verstappen huffs as he gets up from the chair and storms away to presumably find Pierre.

Footage of someone entering the Ferrari hospitality unit and then leaving an hour later with something small wrapped up in a napkin in one of their hands- a face clearly visible.

“This footage was just uncovered, anything you’d like to say for yourself?”

“I was just grabbing a biscuit- I swear. Have you tried them? They’re too good to pass up but Charles only lets us in there once a day, man” Lando Norris complained, leaning back in his chair with a small pout.

“So you didn’t enter the Ferrari hospitality building and break the coffee machine?”

“Break the coffee machine? What are you guys-” Lando muttered to himself. “Wait, it's broken?”

“Yes, that’s what this whole thing is about, Lando”

“Shit, I just thought they got some upgrades or something” Everyone in the room collectively sighed at that comment.

“What do you have to say to texts found on your phone, one that reads: ‘The Ferrari coffee machine is mine, back off’?”

“I- I send those to my friends as jokes, I swear!”Yuki Tsunoda exclaimed with wide eyes. “I only come for the snacks, you know? Like Lando does.”

“Why didn’t you mention Yuki also takes biscuits?”

“I didn’t think it was important, we don’t do it together or anything-”

“Everything’s important in this investigation, Lando. This is serious”

“Oh, come on. No one cares except Charles, which by the way isn’t this ‘investigation’ like an infringement on like being close to the family or some shit, Osc-” Before Lando could continue, the camera shuts off but the mic is still on; and a fews words can be heard: ‘I hate you’, ‘this is stupid’, and ‘well you’re stupid’.

“What do you have to say about this incident? Any inside knowledge?”

“I warned them. I said to them, ‘don’t touch the machine if you don’t know how it works’” Charles Leclerc takes a break to calm himself down (though this was the second break as he cried when sitting in the chair). “But no one listens to Charles, do they? They just break everything good- that machine was the last good thing in my life, you have to find the culprit!”

Grinding the grid.

Happy 53rd Birthday to Fred Tatasciore!  He is the voice actor for Kevin Flynn and CLU in Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance!