#thefishguy

Employee morale is a large part of operating any business. Be it a huge Internet conglomerate, shiny mobile gadget producer, or small aquarium maintenance company. If you're people are happy, they work better.

We at TFG feel this is especially true. Most of the duties performed by our staff are, in a word, gross. Special effort must be made to ensure that our highly trained technicians not only get the satisfaction of a job well done, but also get a sense of belonging and appreciation from the company as a whole.

In the early days of this company, I tried several methods to boost morale. They ranged from the obvious (higher pay, free employee meals, snazzy uniforms) to slightly unconventional (cloned workers, electronic control collars, brainwashing, heavily armed cyborg foremen). Pretty much lukewarm success with all of them. (Although the cyborgs ARE fun at parties)

It wasn't until recently that it hit me.

BEER.

Yes beer, in the immortal words of Homer (Simpson, not the dude that wrote the Odyssey) "Alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.”

Now before you get ahead of me and start thinking I'm advocating substance abuse; I'm not simply issuing six packs to my employees along with their algae scrapers, siphon hoses, and quantum entanglement devices. There is still a strict "no intoxicants" policy for all TFG staff during normal working hours. This policy also annoyingly applies to me.

I’m talking about brewing beer.

Taking these little packets of grains, hops, sugar and malt, and turning them into delicious (so I hear) beer.

We brew it in five gallon batches. Utilizing our surplus of plastic containers and knowledge of organic chemistry.

The basic process involves leeching sugar and flavoring compounds from various grains.

Then a combination of liquid and dry malt is added. This will provide the sugar for the yeast to turn into sweet, help-white-people-dance-juice.

The mixture is then boiled for about an hour. At various times throughout the boiling process, hops are added. Either early in the boil to add a bitter flavor, or later to add aroma and subtle flavor undertones. Or both.

  Quick side trip to the company's only saltwater fish only tank.

Keep stirring Leblanc. And so help me god if you let that wort boil over....

Toki, keep an eye on her.

  Fish only tanks like this one are called so because... Well they're saltwater tanks that only have fish in them.

That may sound weird to the untrained ear. You may ask yourself "Cindy" (if your name is Cindy,) "Cindy, aren't ALL saltwater fish tanks just tanks with fish in them?" Well Cindy, no. (Idiot)  If fact as I said earlier, it's the only one in the company. All of our other saltwater tanks employ live rock as the primary biological filtration.  Called FOWLR (Fish Only With Live Rock), this method creates a huge range of organisms that are a living part of the micro ecosystem. Populations of snails, tiny shrimpy things, sea urchins, a few species of sea stars hang out in these tanks like blanks at a blank.  Also I'm sorry for calling you an idiot, Cindy.

This tank was not set up by TFG, but while it's not our opinion of "the best" way to do it, we left it pretty much the way it was. It works, it's a little harder to maintain, but the end result is the same.

(There's nothing wrong with this photo; I'm that blurry in real life)

Back to the shop!.

Good you're still stirring. Good job, Toki.

The first batch (predicted to be a sharp tasting, hoppy imperial pale ale) is transferred to a cooling bath to terminate the boil. Once it reaches about 80 degrees, the yeast will be sprinkled in (we doubled the yeast from the recipe-FOR SCIENCE.) 

A simple airlock valve on a five gallon bucket will prevent anything nasty from getting in over the next week or so, while still allowing the gas from the fermentation process to escape.

The next batch, which is intended to be imperial blonde ale (about half the hops as the imperial pale but roughly the same amount of malt. Giving it a sweeter, smoother flavor while maintaining the same alcohol content, +/- 9 %) also goes into a primary fermenter for about a week.

They will both be transferred to a secondary fermenter to further clarify the wort. Also to give all that extra yeast a breath of oxygen so it can keep doing its thing and not just lie there like a dead starfish.

All in all this, slightly illegal, team building exercise will help my employees stay gruntled, keep their chemistry sharp, and when it's ready, we will sit around the table and drink a few while we come up with the next great American TV show. Possibly something with a CGI shark with a Mexican accent and a sombrero that explains scientific concepts to kids. I dunno I haven't had a beer today so I'm just spit balling.

We'll keep an eye on these two brews.

Join us next time to learn the secret of perfect bottling (there’s not one.)

Be well, higher level earth primates.

This is a Spaghetti Worm. (Lanice conchilega)

He’s a member of a family of polychaete worm called Terebellidae. There’s basically two parts to him. A digestive system that stays buried in the sand bed. And a mass of elongate prostomial tentacles that splay out over the sea floor. These spaghetti like protuberances grab anything edible that may happen to fall to the sea floor. They are common in reef or live rock aquariums and are an essential part in the natural cycle of things for their role in processing uneaten food and organic waste.

Now usually when a client asks me “what’s that thing?” (referring to the spaghetti worm)

I COULD answer with the long ass explanation above.

But instead I answer “Oh, that’s that thing that ate Boba Fett in Return of the Jedi.”

So far not a single client has gotten it.

Wednesday.

The Boss is going solo today.

One of our oldest clients (oldest as in “been a client for a long time" not “been on the planet for a long time") is also the company’s largest private residence aquarium.

It weighs in at around 400 gallons and has an LED-based primary lighting system, a waterproof LED auxiliary lighting system, UV sterilizer, protein skimmer, 25 gallon two-part evaporation replacement system/trace element supplemental dosing system combo, and an industrial grade back up power generator. This is hardly your traditional fish bowl.

Believe it or don’t - this soup to nuts, self-sustaining style of set up was common place at one time, even for smaller, less grandiose aquariums.

Back to this specific tank. There are a few unique characteristics with the livestock in this tank that vary from what is “traditionally" done in the trade.

For example:

Tangs like these; Zebrasoma flavescens, (Yellow Tang) Zebrasoma veliferum (Sailfin Tang) and Paracanthurus hepatus (Yes, Dory) are typically very territorial and don’t tolerate a lot of competition for resources. They are intelligent enough to recognize another tang or obligate herbivore like this Foxface Rabbitfish. (Siganus vulpinus).

In most instances, these fish would be at each others throats (so to speak) until one or more eventually succumbed to the stress and expired. Not so in our tank, code-named “Wayne Manor". Although there are some skirmishes along the DMZ, no major altercations take place.

Another, less observable conflict exists between the invertebrate population in Wayne Manor.

This long tentacle anemone (Anthopleura michaelseni) packs a nasty chemical punch. Tiny cells called Nematocysts are basically spring-loaded harpoons that shoot disturbingly far on contact. Most long tentacle anemones carry their nematocysts under their prison issue jacket and they will f***ing stab you in the yard during rec time. You ain’t safe.

However this fellow (he’s not really a he) is pretty cool. He can easily reach several species of coral that he chemically outranks. He can strip them down to the skeleton overnight. But he leaves them alone.

Some anemones don’t need to be near their target to sting. They can be just downstream. These Rock Flower Anemones (Epicystis crucifer) can launch clouds of weapons-grade mucus at each other and at other corals.

Whatever the secret to this homeostasis, be it responsible feeding on the client’s part or a low stress environment. Or the robotic Sauvignon Blanc drip system.*

We’re just glad everyone is fat, healthy and happy.

(Except the client of course, he looks great for however old he is supposed to be.)

*not a real thing

Monday.

The twenty ninth.

Mondays are almost always a busy day here at TFG. We usually have a few projects that need attending to while the week is still fresh.

This week, we have a two part mission down the 54 corridor.

Phase One:

Eric Nelson (code name The Boss) and Jessie Leblanc (code name Luh-Blanc) need service one of our larger African cichlid tanks in the lobby of the Center for School Leadership Development near UNC’s Friday Center. The artificial plants need to be retrieved and transported back to the shop for bleaching.

The only two non-aquatic animals in the company live across the street at the Dubose Health Center. (Why is everything a center?)   I’m told they are called “birds.” One of these “air fish" has an interesting medical condition that causes his beak to grow rapidly. After a certain point, the beak no longer fits together properly which can cause some issues with feeding. It also looks ridiculous, thus earning this bird the nickname DERPJAW. (I’ve typed that so much my autocorrect didn’t even flinch).

Derpjaw will need to be captured and put in a travel cage for transport back to the shop. Where Luh-Blanc will very carefully use a jewelers rotary tool and shave the (poor bastard’s) little guy’s beak down to an acceptable size and shape.

 Back to the fish side of the business:  Bleaching deco is pretty easy. We use a solution of sodium hypochlorite and water to turn anything organic clinging to the plastic plants (algae, bacteria colonies, tiny intelligent brain parasites, etc) into a water soluble salt. To dechlorinate and stop the reaction, the plants are rinsed and treated with pentahydrated sodium thiosulfate. (Probably, the manufacturer won’t tell me exactly what’s in the declorinating solution, and I’m no longer welcome to contact them anymore.)

Squeaky clean plants that are free of algae and any sort of invading extraterrestrial organisms will be placed back into the tank during phase two.

Speaking of…

Phase Two: Air-fish Rhinoplasty complete and alien human zombie drone plot thwarted. We are joined by Kyle Crane (code name The Crane). Fresh back from some sort of hippy concert in the woods (some guy David Matthews or something, I’m not familiar).

Aaanyway, The Crane and Luh-Blanch secure Derpjaw back into his habitat where his roommate had been busy going through his stuff. Upon being asked where the bird had been all morning, Luh-Blanc responded (to the elderly, retirement community resident) “oh, we just took him out to have a spa day.” Brilliant.

We head back across the street to the School for School Leadership Development School Center, where the plants need to be carefully re-um…planted.

Good Job Kyle! Don’t forget to change the bonded carbon pad in the canister filter.

There’s a good lad.

BACK TO THE SHOP!

Job Over.

Until Next time Humans