#thecelestetag

Loss

When I woke up, everything was dark and eerily quiet. I blinked my eyes several times, trying to clear them, but it didn’t seem to help.

I turned my head to the side, and felt something wrapped around my head. Confusion spread over my body- and something else, too. I couldn’t place it, but goosebumps spread down my arms, making my hair stand on end.

Was…was this dread?

We were…we were just out to do a little grocery shopping. Me, mom, and dad, too. The boys wanted to stay home. But, Darry and I were going away to college soon. I wanted to spend all the time I could with them before I left.

Mom suggested we stop in at one of the clothing shops afterwards and get me a couple new outfits while dad went to check out the sporting good’s store- to see if he could find something for Darry and his coming football career.

“It’s hot in Texas,” she had told me. “You’re gonna want more shorts, right?”

Panic welled up inside of me and I sat up, quickly. Something pulled in the bend of my elbow. With my other hand, I reached over and felt something taped to my arm. Terror clawed up my throat and my chest started heaving but-

That’s weird. I know I’m breathing- I can feel it. Why-why can’t I hear it? I should be able to hear… What-what the-

I felt someone sit down on the side of- was I in a bed? They put their hands on top of my arms. I could tell they were trying to calm me down but they’re not telling me what’s happened or why I’m here. It just made it worse.

After we’d gotten everything mom thought I’d needed for school next year, we headed out. Dad had finished before we did, and he was waiting at the car with a smile and a milkshake for each of us. Two vanillas for him and mom, strawberry for me.

“Don’t tell the boys,” he’d said. “Our little secret.” He held a hand up to his lips. It made me giggle. I loved my parents very much.

The person sitting on the bed with me was talking. I could feel the vibration of words through their hands. I paused, trying to listen. I shook my head. Nothing worked. They stopped and shifted a little.

Whoever it was stood up again, but they moved closer to me. Their shirt barely brushed my arm, but I still felt it. My head bobbed slightly. What was around my head? A bandage? Whatever it was, it was being unwound.

With each layer gone, light slowly filtered in. A mesh pattern filled my eyes. Gauze. It was a bandage. I blinked a few times, trying to clear my thoughts and my memory. What on earth happened?

Once we’d gotten rid of any milkshake-y evidence, we were on the road back home. I was animatedly going on about what I’d read about the campus and the town surrounding it.

“There are tons of jobs for students, too,” I informed them. “So maybe I can get one and help pay for my books or somethin’.”

“That’s great, honey,” dad replied, smiling at me from the rear view mirror. Mom sighed, happily.

“I’m so happy you two are goin’ to college,” she started. She reached across the front console and squeezed dad’s arm. “We never had the opportunity and I’m overjoyed that you both have somethin’ that you’re passionate about. I just hope Pony and Soda are the same way.”

The gauze was lifted from my face. The bright lights made me squint and I lifted one hand to shield them. The pull in my arm was back, so I glanced down and saw an IV sticking out. I felt my face drain of blood and my head swam, my body threatening to pass out.

I felt fingers under my chin and a gentle tug. I looked up and saw my twin brother sitting on the bed in front of me. But he-he looked…something was wrong.

Something was very wrong.

I grinned wide enough to show my teeth. She was right. I knew what I wanted to do with my life. Darry, too.

I was really excited about being on my home, too. I was going to miss everyone here, sure, but this was a new chapter in my life. If that’s not exciting, then I don’t know what is.

“Oh, shoot,” mom said from the front seat. “I forgot flour while we were out.”

“That’s alright, honey,” dad assured her. “We aren’t too far away from the store. We’ll just go back real quick.” He flipped his turn signal on and slowed down the car to turn.

Darry’s face was different. His eyes were puffy, dark circles underneath. His cheeks were sunken, and his lips so pale they were nearly white. He looked sick. My brow furrowed and I looked around the rest of the room.

I was in a hospital room. Sodapop was asleep in a chair on the other side of the room, his chin resting against his chest, and his long, greasy hair hanging over his eyes. Ponyboy was curled up in the empty bed to the right of me, covered with a thin hospital blanket. His nose was red, his closed eyes puffy.

My eyes slid back to Darry.

“Tuesday?” he said. Or, I assumed that’s what he said. I mean- I know what my own name looks like on other peoples’ lips.

The only problem was that.. I couldn’t hear it.

Dad looked both ways before turning. That is one thing I remember distinctly, because what happened next seemed so ridiculous to me.

He started pulling back out onto the road. When I turned to look out my window, I saw him. He’d come out of nowhere, driving fast. So, so fast.

I didn’t have time to do anything more than gasp before he smashed right into our car.

“Darry?” I said. I felt my voice working, my mouth forming the word. But…there was no sound…

My brother must’ve been able to read it on my face. He turned towards the door and my eyes followed. A man in a white coat was heading in, a nurse with a clipboard on his heels. Her mouth was moving. He reached back for the paperwork. She reached out and handed it to him.

The doctor and Darry talked back and forth for a few minutes. My eyes followed the conversation, trying to pick up on words, but they were speaking too fast. Finally, I got fed up.

“What’s happened?” I yelled. They both stopped and turned to me with wide eyes. Soda jumped awake in his chair.

The force of the impact to the front of the car forced my body to one side. I hit my head against the window next to me. It made me groan, loudly and I heard a ringing in my ears.

Time seemed to slow and I saw mom turn to look at me.

“Tuesday!” she cried.

“Mom?”

But, the car wasn’t finished moving.

My brother heaved a sigh and nodded to the doctor, who was eyeing him, waiting for an answer. He handed the file to me. I set it down in my lap and started reading.

Tuesday Lynn Curtis. Okay, that’s me.

Car accident. Right. With mom and dad.

Trauma to head. D-detached retinas. Reattached through surgery.

W-what?

Temporal bone fracture. Ruptured ear drums. Surgical repairment, but permanent loss of hearing possible.

I’m…deaf?

A tear fell onto the paper under me. The ink welled up in the drop.

I looked up at Darry, eyes wide, unwanted tears streaming down my cheeks. His entire face was a picture of grief. He averted his eyes from mine and nodded.

The car that had just crashed into us kept going. I could hear the squeal of brakes, but it wasn’t fast enough.

Our car started flipping.

The impact was so hard- the driver in the other car driving so fast- our car turned over in the air multiple times. My seatbelt cut into my neck and I couldn’t control my arms as they flung out with the movement.

My head bounced off the window a few more times.

When the car finally slid to a stop, completely upside down, the edges of my vision were fuzzy.

The last thing I remember before blacking out completely is seeing my father’s glassy, unfocused eyes in the rear view mirror, blood dripping from his ear to the roof of the car.

“Mom? A-and dad?” I said, my voice shaky.

Tears welled up in my brother’s eyes. He took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to keep himself from breaking.

Darry shook his head.

A sob escaped my lips and I threw the clipboard. It hit the wall and landed on the floor. I dropped my face into my hands and bawled. I’m sure they were loud, awful, heartbreaking cries.

I’d never felt anguish before. I imagine this is what it felt like.

I felt Darry gather me up in his arms. His shoulders shook as he cried with me. I don’t know how long we sat like that. It had to have been a long time.

When we separated, my other two brothers were sitting on the other side of the bed. Their faces- they broke my heart even more than it already was. Pony was sniffling and wiping his nose, but Soda held up a piece of paper for me to see.

—-

Raindrops started smacking loudly against the window as I sat on the couch, a blanket wrapped around myself and an open book in my lap. A mug of hot chocolate sat steaming on the end table next to me.

The book I was reading wasn’t particularly entertaining, and if I were honest, it was putting me to sleep. Why they had to assign the most boring books for school was beyond me. I would’ve given anything for some kind of distraction, even if I was supposed to read twenty more pages for the next day.

After a few minutes, the rain was thick. I took a quick look out the front window and couldn’t even see the porch light across the street. It was coming down like a waterfall. I sure hoped no one was stuck out in it.

I sat back against the arm of the couch and pulled my knees up on to the cushions, trying to focus in on the words of the story again. It wasn’t gonna happen and I damn well knew it.

I sighed, put my paper bookmark in the middle of the pages and closed the book. As I reached for my cup and lifted the hot liquid to my lips, the doorbell rang. The batteries were starting to go out and the ding slowed down and cut off at the end. The clock on the wall read nearly ten at night- who in the world was at the door at this time of night in the rain?

I set the mug back down and threw the blanket off my shoulders. The doorbell struggled to sound again.

“Alright, alright, I’m comin’,” I said to myself as I made my way over to the front door.

When I opened it, the person who stood on the other side was the last person I ever expected to see standing on my stoop.

“Two-Bit Mathews,” I commented, crossing my arms over my chest, looking him up and down. He was without a jacket, without a beer, and dripping rain water on my mother’s welcome mat. His long hair was drooped over one eye, rivulets of water running down his cheek. I leaned into the door frame, but didn’t open the screen door. “Well, you look pathetic.”

“Don’t ya think I know that?

“What the hell ya doin’ here?”

He shifted uncomfortably in front of me and tried to wipe his wet hands on his pants, but it didn’t help much. His jeans were soaked through, too.

“W-well, I,” he stuttered, a shiver running through his body. “I sorta locked myself outta my house.” I raised an eyebrow.

“And? Ain’t your momma home?”

“She’s at work tonight.”

“And what do you expect from me?”

“I need a place to stay tonight. I was really kinda hopin’-”

“That I’d let ya stay here, huh?” He shrugged his shoulders. “Why didn’t ya go on down to Pony’s? It’s not like they lock their door.”

“I mean-I wanted to see ya, too,” he replied.

“Did you?” I crossed one leg over the other but didn’t move to let him in. “I ain’t seen ya in a month, Two-Bit. No calls, no visits. Nothin’. I barely see ya at school. Why should I let ya in now?”

“Well, I thought-”

“Thought what? That I’d wait for ya? Jesus, Keith.” I huffed a laugh and shook my head. I uncrossed my arms and rested one hand on my hip, waiting for an answer. Instead, he shoved his hands in his back pockets and looked down at the stoop. I dropped my hand to my side and chewed on the inside of my mouth. “It’s-It’s like ya totally forgot I existed.”

He looked up then, a stricken look on his face.

“How could I ever forget about you?” he asked, low and serious. I scoffed at him, trying to bury the excited flip my stomach did at the tone in his voice. Gotta make him suffer a little bit first, right?

“Well maybe ya should’a treated me a little better, huh?”

“I guess you’re right, doll,” he admitted, then looked me square in the eyes. “I’m sorry.” I rolled my eyes and clicked my tongue.

“Tsk, I guess you better come on in, then.” I stood up straight and pushed open the screen door.

Instead of coming inside, though, he grabbed ahold of my outstretched arm and pulled me outside. He stepped back so that he was in the rain again, me stumbling after him. I landed against his chest and he wrapped his arms around me.

“What the fuck?!” I screamed, feeling the cold water soak through my own clothes. I struggled against him, but he held on to me, tightly. I felt his chest shaking, and looked up at his face. There was a sparkle in his eyes that hadn’t been there a few minutes ago.

He was-he was laughing? That stupid, no-good, son of a-

“You can’t play me, baby,” he chuckled.

“Let me go, I’m gettin’-” He leaned down, looking me in the face, grinding his hips against mine.

“You know I like it when you’re-” I shoved my finger in his face.

“Don’t you finish that sentence, you dirty motherfu-”

Before I could finish scolding him, he’d bypassed my hand with his face and his lips were pressed up against mine.

God, I could just fucking melt into him.

When he pulled away from me, I watched as drops of water slid down his face, his grey eyes reflecting in the light I’d left on in the front room. Damn.

“I hate you,” I said, shaking my head.

“Sure ya do,” he retorted, a grin splitting his mouth open.

I jumped on him, wrapping my legs around his hips, and forcing my lips on him again. He caught me, placing his hands on my ass, and kissed me back with all the intensity I was throwing at him.

When I separated my face from his, both of us out of breath, he dropped me back down to the ground. I wrapped one arm around his waist and tossed my wet hair over my shoulder, then started leading him back to the house.

—-

Tim woke up to a rifling sound somewhere in the house. It took a moment to reorient himself to his surroundings. He was in his room, his bed. Tonight is…?

Friday night. Right. Okay.

He could hear Curly’s obnoxious snoring from across the hall. Good god, whoever marries that kid is gonna have one helluva time.

And Angela was…? At a friend’s house for the night.

…

So who the fuck was in his house?

Tim sighed out his nose and sat up, the sheet sliding down his bare chest. He scratched at an itch on his neck with one hand, uncovered his legs with the other. He dropped his feet on the cold wood floor and stretched his arms out.

Once he was finally, actually awake, he made for the closet and grabbed his loaded shotgun. He tried to listen over his stupid brother’s snoring- and he was pretty sure it was coming from the kitchen. Tim’s brow furrowed.

What the hell? What’s in the kitchen that’s so valuable?

Slowly, he stalked down the hall, making sure his feet didn’t make a sound. When he got to the living room, he could see a dim light shining in the kitchen. The ice box? Did some homeless guy just break into his house for food? For fuck’s sake.

Swiftly, Tim turned the corner and saw the door to the refrigerator wide open, whoever was behind it bent over, searching. He raised the shotgun and loaded the chamber.

“Hands up, motherfucker,” he called.

Dallas Fucking Winston’s head popped up from behind the door. He had a piece of sliced turkey hanging out of his mouth as he raised one hand. With the other, he stuffed the rest of the meat into his mouth and swallowed quickly.

“I think I’m pretty bulletproof, man…but uh, don’t actually shoot me,” he said, breaking out into that stupid lopsided grin that got on Tim’s last nerve.

“What the hell, man?” Tim asked, lowering his gun and shaking his head. He stole a glance at the clock on the wall behind Dally. “Its two in the fuckin’ mornin’. What are ya doin’ breakin’ into my house, eatin’ my food?”

“Okay, strictly speakin’, I didn’t break in.”

“And how’s that, exactly?”

“I got a key.” He reached into his pocket and held it up. Tim swiped at it, trying to get it bad, but Dally had always been faster.

“And how did you get that key?” He pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache coming on. Fuckin’ Christ, he just wanted to sleep.

“Kinda nicked it off your brother a few weeks ago.”

“Jesus Christ, Dally.” The kid stuffed another piece of turkey in his mouth. He was gonna slam the door closed on Winston’s head if he wasn’t careful. “Just make a god damn sandwich and stop wastin’ all the electricity.”

“Fine, fine.”

Tim went back into the front room, flipped the lightswitch, and set the shotgun down against the coffee table, then dropped into the couch cushions, laying across all three. He put a hand over his eyes and waited for his stupid hood friend to join him.

When he heard Dally set himself up in the armchair next to the television, Tim removed his hand and stared up at the ceiling. He crossed his arms over his chest.

“You gonna tell me why you’re here?”

His answer was unintelligible, his mouth full of meat and bread and cheese.

“English, please?” An audible swallow.

“Was on this side of town. Saw a cop tailin’ me. Figured your place would be the best hideout ‘round this area.”

“What’d you do this time?”

“Well, I ain’t done nothin’, yet.”

Tim sighed heavily.

“So let me get this straight, Winston.” He turned his head to see Dally take a long drink out of a beer bottle- again, taken from his fridge. “You broke into my house and woke me up at two in the mornin’ just because you thought a cop was after you when you done nothin’ to get picked up for?”

He saw the cogs turn in his friend’s head, trying to process everything that had just been said.

“Uh-yeah, I guess so.” Another sip of beer. Tim rolled his eyes.

“Seriously, man? You didn’t think for a minute that maybe- just maybe that cop was just doin’ his rounds and he wasn’t really after you?” Dally paused, sandwich halfway up to his face.

“Nah, I guess I didn’t think about it.”

“Ya know, not everyone is out to get ya. You gotta stop thinkin’ that. It’s annoyin’ the hell outta me.”

“Chill out, man,” Dally said, mouth full again.

“I outta just fuckin’ shoot ya.”

“So, can I stay here tonight?”

Tim sat up again and grabbed the shotgun by the barrell and stood to go back to his bedroom. Another sigh.

“I guess. You know where the pillows and blankets are.”

Dally stood up as well, heading to put his plate in the sink and take up the couch for the night. Tim paused at the mouth of the hallway and turned back. He pointed a finger at his friend.

“But you better be gone by the time I wake up.”

“Yeah, yeah, man. Whatever.”

He went back to his bedroom and shut the door. He put the gun back in the closet and fell back onto his mattress. As he covered up and turned over onto his side, he played back the entire conversation in his head and vowed to kill that stupid hood in the morning for ruining his sleep.

—-

“They’re not your kids. Back the fuck off!”

Sodapop jumped up from the couch at the sound of Darry’s voice filtering in from outside. It sounded like he was getting into with the neighbors again. The middle Curtis flew out the front door and placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder. He held out his hand, palm out, trying to diffuse the situation.

“Alright, alright g-”

“You let your little brothers and their hood friends run around this neighborhood without a care. They’re the reason that-”

“Hey, that’s enough. You don’t get to talk about my brothers or my friends like that.” She shoved her finger into his face.

“One call to the state and they’ll have you thrown into a boys’ home. Maybe then you’ll learn some goddamn manners.”

Soda shoved her hand out of his face and blocked out the sound of her voice as he grabbed ahold of Darry’s shirt and tugged.

“Just ignore her,” he said, quietly. “She ain’t gonna do anythin’. Let’s just go inside.” His brother chewed on the inside of his mouth, glaring daggers at their next door neighbor. Finally, with a shake of his head, he threw his hands in the air and turned.

“Fine.” He forcefully shrugged his brother off and pushed past to go inside. The middle Curtis brother followed, closing the front door behind him after one last look at the lady, standing there with her arms crossed, a mean expression on her face. Darry dropped down into his father’s armchair and put his head in his hands.

“Why was she bitchin’ this time?” Soda asked, sliding himself into the couch cushions. The other boy rolled his eyes.

“Couple days ago she caught Pony and Curly burnin’ each other’s fingers with a cigarette to see who was tougher.” A sigh. “And then Tim came along and knocked their heads together pretty good. Hopefully that teaches them a lesson.”

“All that,” he motioned towards the door. “All because of a little cigarette burn?”

“Yeah,” Darry answered. “Pretty stupid, right?” He shook his head and sunk further down into the chair. “God, why can’t Pony be a little more sensible?”

“He’s still young, ya know. He’s at that age,” Soda responded, laying back against the arm of the couch. He looked over at his older brother. Tired. Stressed. Sad. You name it. “You okay?”

“I could use a vacation is all. All this pressure on me all the time ever since mom and dad…” A pause. He didn’t have to continue. They both knew what he was talking about. “Sometimes, I feel like I can’t breathe.” He rubbed his temples with his fingers. “That sounded so bad. You know I love you guys. I’d do anythin’ to-”

“We know,” Soda interrupted, his voice soft, understanding. He got up from the couch and cracked his knuckles. “Back rub?”

“Please,” Darry answered, a small smile. He moved himself to a dining room chair and let his brother knead his shoulders until he was able to relax.

“Me and Pony know ya gave up a lot for us, okay? I know he’s difficult, but ya know he’s still grieving. We all are in our own way.” Soda worked his brother’s muscles. He was tense- really, if they’d had the extra money, he could use a professional massage. “Why don’t ya call up your old buddies and take a nice, long ski trip? Ya know I can take care of things here.”

“I know, little buddy, but we can’t afford it right now.” He sighed again. “I just wish Pony would smarten up a bit.”

“Oh, he’s smart enough. He’s only thirteen.”

“Smart enough to hold a cigarette to his finger to prove he’s tougher than another kid?”

“Well, okay,” Soda relented. They both shared a chuckle. “Maybe he is a little crazy sometimes.”

They heard footsteps come up from the hallway. The both stopped and turned to see their youngest brother standing there, ears red.

“I swear, I’m not crazy!” he whined.

“I think that Band-aid on your finger says otherwise, kid,” Darry said. The younger Curtis brother huffed.

“It was Curly’s idea.”

“And you went along with it, didn’t ya?”

Before he could respond, and without warning, Soda ruffled Pony’s perfectly slicked-back hair, then took off running out the front door, laughing as he went. Diffusing situations was what he was best at, afterall.

“Hey!” he heard Pony shout. There was quiet for a few seconds before- “God damnit!” Darry came barrelling out after him, grinning from ear to ear, and wiping his hands on his jeans.

When their poor brother stepped into the doorway, his greasy hair was sticking straight up like that Alfalfa kid on TV. He looked absolutely pissed. He started flattening the spike down,

The two older boys stared at him for a few moments before the oldest couldn’t hold it in anymore.

Soda watched as the tension in Darry’s shoulders visibly vanished as he started laughing. A good, hearty, stomach-cramping laugh that made tears spring to his eyes. It made Soda laugh, too.

When Ponyboy had gotten his strands back in place, he huffed again, but when he turned to go back inside, the unmistakable uptilt of his lips graced his face.

—-

I was in the kitchen getting a pop when I saw it: a packet of papers sitting on top of the trash can. I’m nosy as hell, so I had to look at it. The envelope had Steve’s name on it, so I grabbed it and unfastened the flap and took everything out while he was outside smoking.

I know I shouldn’t have- but my curiosity got the better of me. He’d been acting strangely the past few days- was this why?

When I looked down and read the lines on the first page, my eyes widened. Steve Randle- Congratulations - Harvard- full scholarship.

With a gasp, I dropped the entire packet out of my hands like it was made of fire. A full ride to Harvard? Why-why hadn’t he told me? Why was this in the trash? This was a huge de-

When I turned, he was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, leaning on the frame with his arms crossed. I was absolutely at a loss for words. He was going to be angry with me for snooping through his shit, but I was feeling almost angry with him for not telling anyone.

He didn’t look angry, though.

“Can we talk?” I asked him. He looked down at the ground and nodded.

“Yeah, let’s go to my room.”

Once behind closed doors, we sat side-by-side on his bed. I took a breath and went to apologize, but he stopped me with a shake of his head.

“It’s okay, Evie. I ain’t mad. I left it there for you to find.” My brows knitted together as confusion crossed my face.

“Wh-you did?”

“Y-yeah, I…I don’t know what to do.”

“A-about Harvard? Baby, you just got a full ride to one of the best schools in the country.”

“I know.”

“Of course you should go!”

“But, Evie,” he started. The tone of his voice made me pause. “I-I don’t know if I want to go. I never thought I’d actually…get in, ya know?”

“Well, why’d ya apply?”

“Soda dared me.” I rolled my eyes. That’s usually the only reason Steve does a lot of things he does.

“Okay,” I said, slowly. “So why don’t you want to go?”

“You gotta swear not to tell anyone.”

“Baby, you can trust me. This is a secret you’re going to have to let me keep.” He nodded and looked down at his lap.

“Evie, I think- I think I’m scared.”

“Scared? What of?”

“I don’t-” Steve sighed. I could tell he was trying to find the words. “What- what if I go and then I find out I’m not cut out for it? What if…what if I go and the other students there find out I’m not one of them?”

I reached out and wrapped my fingers around his. I scooted closer to him so my thighs pressed against his and set his hands in my lap, running my thumbs over his knuckles.

“How could you think you’re not cut out for it? You’re the smartest person I know.” I raised a hand and brushed a strand of greasy hair out of his face. “And since when do you care what other people think of you?”

“Ya think?”

“Well, yeah, Steve.” I put my hand back on top of his. “Haven’t you seen your grades?” A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips at my words, but it fell almost as quickly.

“That’s not all of it, though.”

“Hm?”

“I dunno about…leavin’, ya know?”

“You wanna be stuck in this town for your whole life?”

“Everything that I have- that I am- is here, Evie.”

“What have you got here that’s worth givin’ up this chance?”

“If I left, who’d take care of my dad?”

“But-”

“Ya, I know we fight a lot. But that don’t mean he doesn’t need my help. Besides, there’s Soda and the boys.” He sighed. “And you.”

I’d be lying if I said those words of his didn’t awaken some sort of warm, happy feeling in me. Of course, I wanted him to stay. But of course, I didn’t want him to give up the best opportunity he’s ever had in his life.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he said, interrupting my thoughts. “A doll like you? You’re worth it.”

“Won’t you regret it?” He smiled and turned his hands over so that he was holding mine. He looked down at them.

“I’d prob’ly get kicked out soon enough for fightin’ those rich bastards anyway, right?”

Okay, that made me laugh. He leaned in to plant of quick kiss on my lips.

“Besides, I don’t need no fancy education to be happy. I got everything I need right here.”

He squeezed my hands. My smile crept back up.