#thebilife

When I was 12/13, I had an online girlfriend. She was so sweet and I can honestly say I loved her lol.

Well, my mother decided she was gonna go through my instant messages for one reason or another. She legit didn't give me a reason. But it was late at night and I had been upstairs in bed. She called me down stairs (where my computer was).

So she sees I've called this girl my girlfriend and we were talking about our sexualities.

I wish I could tell you I was kidding but she beat the living shit out of me. Like beating me so bad, I had bruises all over.

I don’t know if she thought she could beat the "gay" out of me or what, but it was terrifying.

At this point, its about 2 am and she decides to call my very religious, catholic grandparents. AT 2 AM!

Shes going on and on with my grandma how this isn't right, blah blah blah and then hands me the phone.

I could hear the sleepiness in my grandmas voice. And my grandma tries to explain to me that this MIGHT just be a phase. So, to get her off the phone and back into bed I agree with her.

Then my mother sends me back to bed.

****

I hadn't planned to come out, I was outted. And once I was out I wasn't allowed to talk about it, she shamed me for it, laughed and mocked me for it, for a long ass time I couldn't have ANY kind of friends over or leave the house. She grounded me for being bisexual. I wasn't allowed to be bisexual. It was forcefully, brutally ingrained into my head that I was a disgrace.

It has taken me so long to even be comfortable around women in a romantic setting. And I still get nervous; I shake like crazy.

In the itty-bitty back of my mind I'm waiting to get beaten for holding hands with a girl, kissing a girl, loving a girl.

It was so beautiful outside yesterday, I couldn't help but smile.