#the-eggman-textposts

One strategy that I've seen many famed politicians from your universe use to gain popularity is the concept of appearing relatable. I, of course, could never be truly relatable, as not one of you happens to possess my beautifully brilliant brain. HOWEVER, perhaps some insight into my daily life might give that affect!

So, here, I will talk about my morning routine.

In the mornings, I tend to wake up early to maximise the amount of time I can spend thinking of evil plans, instead of letting my brain begin to rot with ridiculous dreams. But, of course, a handsome man like me NEEDS to keep up his appearance! You don't get to my age with so few wrinkles without a fabulous skincare routine. So, I start my day off with a bubble bath surrounded by candles, where I tend to pretend my rubber ducky is one of my worst enemies, and I crush it with my fist to demonstrate my power! Then, I do a little facemask for good measure, and give my moustache 50 strokes to maintain it's beauty. (Of course, whilst I'm doing these things, I'm planning out my evil schemes and plots for the day within my perfect mind palace.)

Then, Orbot and Cubot bring me my breakfast, which can range from just eggs and bacon to a full feast depending on how much I ate the night before. (Which tends to be a LOT, so it tends to just be eggs and bacon. I'm not a pig, I only have one or two feasts a day, not three! That level of greed would just be sickening!)

Then, I pick my outfit for the day - which tends to be my typical one, because it's hard to beat perfection. I then get Sage up, and my day begins.

If you read all this, you BETTER drop a like. And if you didn't? Drop a like anyway because you love me and I'm the best.

I hate public transport. After my Eggmobile gets destroyed in combat, I usually have to take a train back to my lair, dragging the damn thing with me. And the people on there are always so judgy. Always glaring at me but never saying anything out of fear.

But today?

Someone spoke up.

My Eggmobile had a lot of smoke coming out of it and someone's baby kept coughing and the mother went MENTAL at me!!! And I was like, 'seriously, lady, just go sit somewhere else and stop being a Karen'. And she was like 'there's no other seats' and 'you shouldn't be allowed that thing on here'! Uggggghhhh. And then I got kicked off the train at the next stop! Unbelievable. I can't do ANYTHING anymore.

One of my favorite things to do is carry large wads of cash on my person. There are few things funnier than ordering McDonald's and paying with a 100 dollar bill (500 if they look at me funny when I walk in), then requesting change. The poor peasant employees look SO funny when they struggle to find enough in the till to repay me.

Any other fellow billionaires do this, or just me?

I'm so hot. I love my reflection so much. I'm the handsomest man ever. Send post.

Had to repair Orbot today because Cubot managed to accidentally put him in the washing machine when he was napping in the laundry basket! MORONS!!!

... Suppose it's kinda funny, though. There's never a dull day in my evil lair!

Today, I'll be discussing with you the robotomy process — a free advantage that will be granted to you all once my Eggpire has gained full control of the Earth!

Robotomies involve an organic being (AKA, you!) getting placed inside of a badnik. Once inside, you will lose your ability to think freely, which will then turn you into a mindless toy for me to use in battle! This is great for you, because now, you don't need to have original thoughts! You don't need to worry about sleeping, or eating, or even breathing. All you have to worry about is battle and combat!

Agreeing to getting a robotomy will also be life-saving, because the polluted environment once I'm in charge will be very difficult for your poor lungs to handle, so if you don't need to breathe at all, you simply won't die. You also won't be forced to ride on one of the many fatal rides in Eggmanland if you get a robotomy. How perfect!

There are also many more benefits, including but not limited to:

Free repairs!

Free refuellings!

Lifelong job security!

No taxes, because I'll just take everything that's in your bank account for myself, as money isn't needed by you anymore!

No more school - teenagers, children, and even newborn infants can get robotomies too!

The Eggman Empire is not responsible for any violent injuries or deaths caused if someone who has faced a robotomy gets attacked or destroyed by a certain blue hedgehog or any of his little friends. If you have any complaints, you're free to talk to customer service, but only after riding one of our fatal rides in Eggmanland!