#thatmarewiththeglasses

Eighteen years ago, the evil King Tsarkon of Cartahena invaded Excalabria, destroying the fertile fields and peaceful folk of that once prosperous land. When King Erik of Excalabria saw that he could do nothing to stop the hordes that stormed his castle walls, he ordered his bravest knight, Blade, to escape with his infant and raise him far from the land of his birth.

Blade journeyed far, at last settling in the isolated village of Wyclif. There he raised the prince, never telling him of his royal heritage. Eighteen years passed, and the young prince grew into a strong, skillful warrior. On the day of Blade's death, the prince learned of his true identity. He vowed to fulfill his destiny, and avenge his father...

No more dreadful wrestlemen and their antics. Rainbow Dash, your suggestion was bad, and you should feel bad.

Today's game is actually one of my long time favorites, an old action RPG for the Sega Genesis. Sadly, I am not going to be playing it by way of an actual Genesis, as mine gave up the ghost long ago. But, on the bright side... emulation makes it much easier to show what I'm doing.

Let's get to it.

Ah, memories of adolescence. I must warn you, the glasses I am wearing are most certainly fitted for nostalgia, particularly with this game.

Welcome to Sword of Vermilion! No demo screen here, simply a repeat of the intro (with the lovely music and thunderbolt), so let's dive right in.

First thing's first... name entry! Such a classy looking screen, and just enough room to input the name of yours truly. I may be forced to be male in this game, but at least I can use my own name.

And we have our backstory. Rival kingdoms, daring escapes, and a destined fight against an evil overlord! Delightful, no?

And we start things off at the entrance to the village of Wyclif, my home. First thing's first, though...

Like playing a video game inside a video game. Wait, did I say productive? I clearly didn't mean it.

... Actually, that does sound productive. Let's do this.

A charming little logo. Videlectrix seems a quaint little company. Decidedly retro. Or perhaps even retraux.

Now I am curious as to the fourth entry in this series. Any game in which punching snakes is the goal is one I can get behind.

Fairly simplistic. I appear to do battle against a never ending hoard of color changing snakes (the color change, naturally, denoting a power increase). The snakes get faster, and develop a nastier bite, so eventually it only takes one or two bites to knock you down.

Meanwhile, Strong Bad spouts assorted nonsense as you punch the daylights out of venomous cobras. That aside, it's an enjoyable game.

A snake pinata filled with snakes? That would be a terrible idea.

Around here it got to the point that just a rapid series of punches seemed the best tactic, as opposed to the duck and move from earlier snakes. Difficulty spikes early on? Definitely capturing that retro feel.

Not even a little bit, Mr. Bad.

Sadly, the next snake put me in the grave, taking my remaining falls in short order.

I detect a second subquest. One that is decidedly more agreeable than that Teen Girl Squad snuff comic.

So Strong Bad has managed to murder off two of the girls in rather ludicrous ways. I fear for poor What's Her Face and The Ugly One.

Awww, how sweet. Propositioning the basketball player with... a basketball.

Why are you grabbing her by the head? Grab the ball!

Why would you... what even...

Alright. Let's see how Strong Bad kills off What's Her Face, so we can be done with this atrocious little comic.

Smooth. Clearly, this can only end well.

What an... odd rejection. And a bit TMI.

WHY

WHY WOULD YOU DRAW THIS?

Thank Celestia. That was absolutely horrible.

You are a sadist, Mr. Bad.

Fried... chicken... pizza... bender.

This explains so very much, and yet raises more questions.

Oh no... don't tell me...

I've got to track down those horrific ideas he had so he can make another, more brutal comic?

This is my first sidequest?

This is my first bloody sidequest?

Are you kidding me, game? You have got to be joking!

That may be the dumbest thing I have ever read.

And I just watched a girl get mauled to death by rats who (apparently) love metal.

Darling, you hardly need to add product to your hair. You're about the only one of the group whose hair is even remotely stylish.

That is... an interesting choice for a scene transition.

Such... loving attention to sweat and armpit hair. Bravo, Mr. Bad.

I can think of several things that are much more impress-

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