#thatdeafblackguy

November 24, 2014 - Seventeen Years Old

♠

The small object sat on his side table all night, where he kept examining it as he woke up intermittently until first light. He found something else wrong with it every time he looked. Frustration cursed him but there was something comforting about seeing it next to him as he slept; imperfections and all.

In the morning he carefully preserved it with bubble wrap, then old newspaper taped outside. It looked like shit but it got the job done. 

This is the stupidest thing. Why am I doing this?

Even though anxiety was tight in his chest, he knew why he needed to do it. With a sigh, he placed the circular wrapping at the top of his backpack to ensure it wouldn’t get broken. He still found himself staring at the spot it occupied as he dressed, as if he might magically gain X-Ray vision so he could keep finding faults with it.

Veronica came into the room. A half eaten piece of toast was shoved in her mouth. ‘It looks fine,’ she signed.

‘You’re such a liar,’ Lazarus signed back with a groan. He pulled on the loose black t-shirt he often wore to school. It hid his scars the best.

She shook her head, taking a moment to finish the last bite before raising her hands to respond. ‘No really, it looks great. You did good.’ She dealt a swift blow to his arm. ‘Learn to take a compliment.’

‘What if-‘

Laughter painted her words as she signed over him. ‘It’ll be fine, Lazzy.’

Nerves settled a bit, he admitted defeat. ‘Fine. I did good,’ he conceded, ‘but not good enough.’

Veronica rolled her eyes. ‘You were so close.’

He didn’t see her all morning, which only gave him more time to ignore Veronica’s words and let his mind run wild.

She didn’t know him. She hadn’t acted out of some personal affection for him, so why did he care so much? He had earned the wrong reputation at that school for being like a guard dog; hackles raised and teeth bare. What if this just scared her? Made her feel like she owed him her time?

It was lunch time when he finally spotted her in the cafeteria. The grip he’d been holding on his backpack tightened at the sight of her friends. He wasn’t worried about what they might say to him - it was always the same shit with these kids - but was anxious instead that they might judge her.

Grip slackening, he took a clean breath. He would wait until she was alone.

♠

The gift stayed placed with care at the top of his backpack for several days before he got his chance. It was the end of the day on Friday when he found her sitting alone.

She was on the bleachers, legs braced against the row in front of her. As he approached, he could see a notebook on her lap. Right hand guided a pencil lightly around the page, making gentle curves and lines. Her pretty face was keen with focus, long copper hair dipping down to scratch the page. Certain she hadn’t heard him approach, he prepared himself to just walk away.

I’m terrible with introductions anyway.

He turned to leave, stopped only when he saw her head pop up. She examined him curiously, greeting him with that smile she often wore. She tucked her hair back behind her ear as she said what looked like, “What’s up?”

Straight to the point, Lazarus came up next to her and put down his backpack on the seat. He opened it, pulling out the gift. He shoved it towards her, trying not to make eye contact while simultaneously being too curious to look away.

She took it hesitantly, setting it on top her notebook for a moment.

Just in case it was too terrible to tell, he cocked his head toward the paper blob, mouthing the word as he signed it. ‘Gift.’ 

He thought he saw her cheeks redden in his peripheral.

She opened the package, thankfully indifferent to the terrible wrapping job.

When he finally worked up the courage to look, he was shocked by her reaction. She held the wooden fox in her palm as if it was made of glass, admiration filling her kind, brown eyes.

Before she could give it back, or tell him that the ear was bent, he picked up his backpack and started walking home.

I MAY BE OVERWHELMING HIM WITH ASKS 

WOOPS

"날 쉽게 이해한다고 하지마못 생기고 삐뚤어진 내 마음이 널 원망할지도 몰라" 

Translation: "Don’t tell me that you easily understand how I feelI might resent you with my ugly and crooked heart"