She finished her wine in one large mouthful, “how did you... get over what happened to you with Eddie?”
As soon as she blurted the words out, Duffy eyes widened. She dropped the wine glass in shock and stood up quickly. “Shit! I, I shouldn’t have said that!”
“Duffy wait..” Duffy grabbed her coat, her bag and apologised. She ran out of the pub, her heart hammering inside of her chest. That dull ache and sickness had returned, her breathing quickening. Shit, not here. Please not here.
She slid down the wall as she desperately tried to regain control of her breathing. She closed her eyes tightly, gripping her coat so tightly her knuckles had turned white. Alicia came out and looked around. Now she was even more convinced Duffy wasn’t ok. She was about to go back inside when she heard the short gasps of someone and followed the sound to the outside tables. Finding Duffy, she crouched down in front of her.
“Duffy,” she placed her hands on either side of Duffy’s arms, “I need you to breathe for me. Follow me, in through the nose, out through the mouth.”
She did this continuously with Duffy until Duffy was able to regain control of her breathing independently. She helped her up of the floor and sat her down on one of the outside tables.
“Are you okay?”
Duffy couldn’t look at Alicia. She was embarrassed at having being found in such a state. She ignored the question for a couple of minutes, putting on her coat. “I’m fine.” She answered after a couple of minutes of painful silence.
“What you asked—“
“Please,” Duffy’s voice broke. She couldn’t do this. She was stupid to even ask, what was she thinking?
“You need help.”
Duffy shook her head. That was bollocks, she didn’t need help. She was fine, she was ok. She was just tired. Tiredness did stupid things to her, made her say stupid things. Duffy stood up. She needed to leave, she always ran away from situations when they were too much.
“I should go!” She took a step further. “Please, please don’t repeat what I asked you to anyone?”
Alicia sighed sadly and nodded. “I promise I won’t but Duffy?”
Duffy turned slowly to catch Alicia’s eye, “you won’t ever escape this unless you face it.”
Duffy didn’t say anything as she walked away from Alicia and the pub. Tightening her coat around her again, a cold shiver ran down her spine. What if the sheer reality of the situation was that, she was always going to be haunted by him?
A couple of seconds later, Duffy threw up in the hedge bringing up the wine she’d drank less than twenty minutes ago. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and closed her eyes tightly, hoping it would be enough to stop the tears from running down her cheeks.
A single thought entered her mind as she began moving again. The reason this was so hard, so painful and brutal was because she was still a victim. People like Alicia were survivors but she hadn’t made that leap yet.
People like her were victims.
And being a victim wasn’t something she could handle...
— x —
Daily musings, had fun writing this. Hope you enjoy reading. Feedback is always appreciated and loved.
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It was a deflection from any more questions and Alicia knew it was. She hesitated before leaving Duffy alone and the older woman sighed, catching her reflection in the mirror. How was it possible to look so tired within a matter of minutes? Splashing cold water onto her face, she sorted herself out and went back to work, to the young girl.
“Hi again,” Alicia smiled at the youngster. “I believe you’re going to let us examine you, is that still okay?”
She nodded, moving to uncross her legs, straightening her legs out in front of her. The blanket was still wrapped around her tightly but she began to loosen the material, her eyes glancing between both adults in the room.
“You said you were in pain, are you still in pain?” Duffy asked.
“Yes.” She whispered and coughed, clearing her throat.
“Where’s the pain?” Alicia asked as she took her stethoscope from around her neck. The young girl nervously glanced between the two adults before she slowly raised the sleeves of her jumper. Duffy shuddered inside at the harsh slashes across the young girls arms that had obviously being self-inflicted. The wounds were infected and it was no wonder that the young girl was in pain and had fainted. Alicia put on a pair of gloves and gently took hold of her arm.
“How long ago did you do this?”
The girl glanced at Duffy, and Duffy smiled reassuringly. “It’s ok, we’re just here to help.”
She was sat in the bath, the water as hot as she could stand it. There were red blotches on her skin where she’d been scrubbing her skin. The knife sat on the side by the shampoo and conditioner, the blade glistening in the dark. She slowly picked it up and ran her finger along the edge...
Duffy blinked, reminding herself of her surroundings. The young girl bit her lower lip and answered back timidly, “a week or so. I... I couldn’t keep it clean.” She mumbled.Â
Alicia nodded acknowledging the girl and gently examined the wounds. They would require cleaning, dressing and she’d require a course of antibiotics to stop the infection.
“Duffy, do you mind running full bloods? And cleaning and redressing the wounds?”
The girl watched them both before she asked; “it’s bad isn’t it? I should’ve come sooner but i.. I was scared.”
“Have you done this before?”
“Sort of. Not this bad though.” She paused, “I’m Kimberly James, Kim. Born forth of the seventh two-thousand and three.”
“Thank you.” Alicia smiled, “I’ll be back in a couple of minutes, I’m just going to look up your medical records, ok? I’ll leave you with Duffy.”
Duffy put on a pair of gloves and began to treat Kim. She did the bloods that Alicia had requested before she started to clean the wounds.
“This is going to hurt.” She pre-warned as she gently began to clean the wound. Kim flinched and whimpered, the pain making her feel sick.
“What happened to make you do this?” Duffy asked gently.
Kim didn’t say anything, she watched as her wounds were cleaned and redressed. “My exams. I’m thick.” She laughed sadly.
“I’m sure that’s not true.”
Kimberly shrugged, “it’s what everyone says.” She mumbled.
Duffy sighed. “What do you want to do, when you leave school?”
“Dunno.” She sighed and rubbed her forehead. Duffy finished dressing the wounds, taking off her gloves and disposing them.
“Would you like a drink?”
“Please,” Kimberly smiled, “a glass of water would be nice, thank you.”
Duffy nodded and cleaned up before she left. She went into the staff room and grabbed a mug, filling it with cold water. She was about to leave, to take it to Kimberly when she saw Charlie. Their eyes met and she smiled sadly. God, she missed him but she didn’t have any right too, she was the one who broke their marriage. Reluctantly, she broke her gaze from Charlie’s and returned to Kim’s cubicle.
“Here we go, a glass of water as requested.” She handed the mug over and Kimberly smiled, taking the mug and wrapping her arms around it.
“Thank you.”
By the end of the shift, Duffy had found Kimberly a bed on the ward and she was starting a course of antibiotics. She rested her head against the locker in the staff room, her eyes closed. What a shift. She was relieved that it was over and she had tomorrow off under the duvet.
“Duffy?”
“Hmm?” She moved her head and looked at Alicia. She smiled, “you did well today. Ever considered a career in paeds?”
Alicia laughed gently, “it was nothing. I was just doing my job. I wouldn’t have got very far without you. She opened up to you.”
Duffy opened her locker and removed her coat and handbag, having already changed ten minutes earlier.
“It was nothing,” she paused closing her locker. “Do you fancy a drink?”
“As long as you make it a large vodka.” Alicia answered.
Duffy laughed, “deal. Meet you outside?”
Agreeing to meet Alicia outside, Duffy left the department. The bitter cold air hit her and she shivered, wrapping her coat tighter around her. She remembered how cold it had been that night. How the cold air combined with the raindrops caused her skin to goosebump. The pain in her joints from the bitter cold air.
“Duffy?” Alicia frowned slightly. She’d called Duffy’s name twice only to receive no response. She noticed the glazed look in her eye and gently touched Duffy’s arm. Alicia’s touch was enough to break her out of her trance and bring her back to the present day.
“Sorry, you were saying?”
She caught Alicia’s eye for a second before looking away. Alicia shook her head and indicated it wasn’t important and together, they went over to the Hope and Anchor. Once inside, Duffy took off her coat and Alicia couldn’t help but be concerned. It was obvious that Duffy had lost weight, it may not have been noticeable before but it was now.
“What are you drinking? First round is on me.” Alicia said.
“I’ll have a white wine please.”
Duffy found them a table and as she sat down, she took her phone out of her pocket. No missed calls. No messages. She sighed. She needed to stop thinking Charlie was going to contact her. She’d screwed up, there was no going back on that. She’d lost the one thing that she’d ever loved and she had no-one else to blame but herself.
When Alicia arrived at the table, she couldn’t help but notice the sad expression on Duffy’s face. There was definitely something going on. Alicia was just as good as Duffy at reading between the lines. She placed the wine glass on the table and sat down opposite. Duffy smiled warmly as she accepted the wine glass and immediately took a large mouthful.
“Tell me to mind my own business, but are you sure you’re okay?”
Duffy smiled sadly. She held the wine glass in one hand and ran her index finger along the rim.
“I’m fine.” It was quite a defensive answer and as soon as she said it, Duffy sighed. She didn’t mean to bite Alicia’s head off, the poor girl was just trying to be a friend.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t pry.” She paused, “but I can’t help but notice you look... tired.”
Tired, that was an understatement. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a decent night sleep. A sleep that wasn’t haunted by him. Last night she’d woken up in a cold sweat, truly believing she was back in that alley with him taking advantage of her, all over again.
summary: Duffy and Alicia have to work together to solve a case of a young girl refusing to talk. But the difficult case isn’t the only thing on Duffy’s mind. slightly AU.
“Are you okay?”
It was Duffy who asked the question when she saw Alicia sat at the nurses station, lost in thought tapping her pen against the desk. She seemed preoccupied about something, a small frown etched onto her features. Alicia looked up and smiled sadly at Duffy, before nodding.
“Just a patient, that’s all.”
“Want to talk?” She asked as she lent against the desk. Alicia sighed and lent back in her chair.
“Young girl, brought in after being found collapsed in the local park. Refuses to talk, won’t tell us her name or age. I’ve put her peads for the time being, she’s terrified. I want to run a full set of bloods, get to the bottom of why she fainted but she won’t let me.”
Duffy nodded understanding the difficulty of the case. It wasn’t normal for children to faint, nor was it normal for them to refuse to give any details.
“What do you think?” She asked.
Alicia shrugged, “that she’s scared hence refusing to talk. Or she’s got something to hide and she’s been sworn to secrecy.” She paused, collecting her thoughts, “I’m about to call social services...”
“But?”
Alicia smiled sadly, “I don’t want to further jeopardise any chance of getting her to open up to us.”
“Then hold off contacting social services until we know more?”
Alicia smiled, “thank you.”
Duffy smiled back, “you don’t need to thank me. Do you want me to see if I can get anything out of her?”
“Would you mind?”
“Not at all, what cubicle?”
After finding out where the young girl was, Duffy decided to go and see wherever she could get her to open up. She was aware that it was a challenge but that’s what Duffy thrived off - challenges. She stood outside the cubicle for a moment before she gently pulled back the curtain and stepped inside. She pulled the curtain closed behind her before turning to face the youngster.
She was lying on her side, her knees to her chest in the fetal position, holding the blanket around her tightly in one hand. Her brunette hair in a French plait. Duffy swallowed, her stomach dropping. Her palms started to dampen and she swallowed hard again, desperate to keep the nausea at bay. She closed her eyes for a second, focus. She needed to focus. Duffy took a step towards the bed,
“Hi, I’m Duffy.”
The girl didn’t acknowledge she was in the room. Duffy’s chest started to become a little tighter, a dull ache in the centre of her chest. Her throat dry. She swallowed again, the nauseated feeling twisting around her insides. Duffy was about to say something when she just stopped..
All she wanted to do was hide. Why did they have to bring her here? They could’ve chosen any other hospital but they took her here, to Holby, the place she worked. She was fine. Nothing happened but nobody believed her, why didn’t anyone believe her? She curled up in a ball, clutching the blanket tightly, not wanting to be spoken too or touched. The sooner she could go home, the better. The better for everyone...
She snapped out of the flashback to find the young girl staring at her. Her brown eyes full of sadness and fear and Duffy smiled warmly, trying to reassure the young girl that everything was ok. She was in a safe place, whatever it was she was scared off, couldn’t get her here.
“You’re safe here.”
Duffy watched the girl. She looked scared but not terrified and apart from the small bruise on her cheek, she looked relatively unscathed. She’d say she was about fifteen-sixteen at a push.
“It’s important we know your name. Tell someone where you are.”
The sick feeling Duffy had earlier as she walked into the cubicle had slowly started to subside. The girl was still watching Duffy, her fingers playing with the thread on the blanket. She moved slightly and sat up, pulling the blanket around her tighter. However, she still didn’t speak. Duffy stepped closer to the bed and gestured to the edge.
“Do you mind if I sit down?”
Silence. Duffy sighed sadly and sat at the end of the bed. She allowed a couple of seconds to pass between them before she spoke again.
“Are you hurt anywhere?”
A small nod. Blink and you’d have missed it. Duffy smiled sadly and nodded. She paused for a moment and asked,
“Can we examine you?”
Another small nod. Duffy nodded again and stood up from the edge of the bed, to leave the cubicle to get Alicia when she felt a hand on her arm. She closed her eyes.
She was naive to always see the good in people, naive to believe things like that never happened to people like her. At first she didn’t even notice, she was almost passed those steps but she heard him. She crouched down in front of him and touched his wrist, checking his pulse. It happened so quickly and before she knew it, he had hold off her wrist tightly.
“You.”
She turned around when she heard the tiny whisper and for a brief second, their eyes connected.
“Me and Alicia.”
The girl nodded again, the small whisper she’d just spoken enough for now. She gently let go off Duffy’s arm and Duffy was grateful because the sick feeling that had subsided had come back with a vengeance. As quickly as she could, Duffy left the cubicle and darted to the bathroom. Entering the cubicle, she proceeded to throw up.
She lent back against the door, brought her knees to her chest and sobbed quietly.
She tried to fight as he pulled her closer to him and further down the alley. Her body betrayed her, she didn’t fight hard enough. She couldn’t fight at all, she was frozen. Just like she didn’t say anything when he began to undo her tunic button and slipped his hand inside. She was screaming on the inside but nothing came out. Just silence.
She threw up again, her body shaking because she was remembering things she didn’t want to remember. Her cheeks were damp from the tears she was crying, the dull ache in her chest feeling tighter. Almost like a crushing feel in her heart.
The door to the bathroom opened and Duffy took a deep breath, trying to stop herself from crying. She’d been so good at keeping this battle a secret from her colleagues and that’s how she intended for it to stay. There was a shuffle as the door closed and Alicia’s voice called
“Duffy, are you in here?”
Duffy closed her eyes tightly. She had a choice. She could keep quiet and pretend she wasn’t in here or she could try and control her tears and answer Alicia’s question.
“Just a minute,” she answered, wiping her tears with her hands. She flushed the chain and slid the lock on the cubicle. She stepped out but was unable to look Alicia in the eye.
“Are you okay?” Alicia asked, a small frown on her face.
“Uh huh.” Duffy nodded as she went over to the sinks and began to wash her hands. There was a silence between the two but not a silence you could call comfortable.
“Are you sure?”
“I think I’ve eaten something dodgy.” She admitted as she washed her hands. She hoped Alicia would buy her lie for now even though she wasn’t the most convincing liar. Alicia didn’t believe her but didn’t say anything, what did she say without causing Duffy offence?
“The young girl, the one you wanted me to talk too? She’s agreed to let us examine her. I’ll meet you in there?”
